Knocked Up - A Funny Look at Being Pregnant

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Let’s face it; pregnancy is not all it is cut out to be. Sure, hearing the heartbeat and feeling the little fetus move are great sensations that can’t be duplicated anywhere else in life; but gaining weight, feeling hungry all the time, having swollen ankles, watching your nose spread and witnessing reddish spots turn up all over your body can make a woman feel as unattractive as a chili dog in the trash. Even worse when you lose the ability to properly groom yourself ‘down there’ life becomes a humiliating sequence of everyone in the world wanting to see you naked.

For some unknown reason, the bigger you get the more freedom perfect strangers find to touch you. Unusual people will start stroking your belly (which only makes it itch more) and tell you all about their ‘pregnant’ days (like you care). Many will attempt - with the kinds of grins you give a puppy - to tell you how beautiful you look and it quite frankly makes you want to sit on them. Of course there are the occasional women who look perfectly beautiful in their pregnant splendor but for most of us it is the exact opposite of what you see in magazines. Other non-pregnant women begin to make you green with envy and you wonder how in the world they can live with themselves being so slim and in shape. You will begin to notice that your husband has a roaming eye that spots every pretty, attractive woman around; but no worries it’s you he loves!

Pregnancy for a large part of the population doesn’t even start out good. We either feel like we have to puke all the time, fall asleep or are left to deal the ups and downs of ridiculously wild hormone levels that make it hard to concentrate or even feel sane on some days. You worry endlessly, have heartburn and cramps and have an extremely hard time finding clothes that not only fit, but feel comfortable. Your feet are constantly growing which makes shoes unmanageable unless they are slippers and your thighs begin to scrub together. All you need is a pair of maternity corduroys so not only can you feel the friction but hear it too.

The man responsible for this condition becomes a non-understanding; selfish and hideous person who is only has to live with the absence of sex for 9 short months yet still complains as if he is being punished as well. Speaking of that man, he is too afraid to have an annual colonoscopy yet is fine escorting you to the doctor so that some physician can try to find your cervix which you swear keeps creeping closer toward your neck. The cold, metal spoon they use to do this doesn’t even kiss you first and few doctors have the decency to even warm it up for you. When a tear rolls from you eye because of the pain and discomfort he offers you a hand off the table….and little more. He may even witness this little stunt and begin to feel that if the doctor can do that, then certainly sex during pregnancy should be just fine (which it is, but there is no use in telling men that).

Being knocked up is sometimes as good as being knocked out. Actually if you could be knocked out for the nine months it takes to create this little life people would probably have more children. Most things in life are a means to an end, but pregnancy quite simply has a mean end. Damn that Adam & Eve! As anticipation grows and the day gets closer those perfect strangers who used to stroke your belly will begin trying to scare the hell out of you by telling them about their dry births, water breaking in a store, extensive labor pains, when the epidural ran out halfway through, about the baby getting stuck and having to have a c-section or about not going into labor at all, which is an even bigger nightmare. Why do so many people share so much with pregnant woman?

People will start buying things for your baby that you don’t like, telling you how to raise your infant, what to expect when the baby comes and even begin discussing your breast feeding options as if it is any of their business. Don’t forget that the man in your life will be staring at you as you polish off two steaks and the onion rings left on his plate as if he is sure there is no way you can get any bigger. And then you do! Your moods are either weepy, really happy or asleep and the people you love the most are afraid to say anything at all unsure about which personality they may be facing that day. That’s probably best because the only thing that people can find to talk to you about anyways is the baby, and quite frankly you have had just about all you can handle of the baby! That’s when you know you are about to go into labor.

Being undeniably knocked up is one thing, but labor is truly another. There will never be another time in your life when so many people will not only see - but want to film you completely naked looking your worst. Even if you tried to put make-up on or shower before the big event, it won’t matter because by the time you are through you will look like a sloppy, wet, still fat, tired but happy and in love woman. Not with the man in your life of course, but with the little life in your arms. Suddenly you forget it all- except the person who got you into this mess, he is doomed forever – and you dig down deep and find gratitude, peace and total joy with what it is you now have. The roller coaster ends but the ride is just beginning. The only thing you can do is hang on tight, close your eyes when your afraid and remember what a beautiful thing it is that a woman is able to do.

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