Dating Idiots

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Commitment can be a scary thing. As much as everyone thinks they want to be in a serious relationship, subconsciously they're more afraid of things working out with the person they date than they are of everything falling apart. As a result, people tend to date idiots. It's not like they're hard to find; they're everywhere. Just look around you. You can't swing an umbrella without hitting a total moron these days.

Even though morons are everywhere, people seek them out in strange places. It's incomprehensible that someone would try to find a mate in a bar, but this happens all the time. Why would someone search for the future father of her children in a smoky, drunk-infested booze joint? That's some quality right there, sister. Go for it. Of course, the rumor is that drinking can make people seem more attractive, so your perception of reality is going to be skewed anyway. Plus being drunk can get you into a lot of trouble in other ways and you may end up in a relationship with that dude whether you want to or not.

People engage in other baffling ways of meeting people. There are myriad dating websites available that match people up based on compatibility. If you think that dating someone because their favorite color is the same as yours is important, then have at it. Banish the thought that anyone lies on those surveys too because no one would ever try to paint themselves in the most ideal light possible, would they? Of course everyone out there is a philanthropic valedictorian CEO Buddhist monk Eagle Scout...and you are too.

With all the deception going on in the dating world, how do you know whether someone is an idiot or not? There are a couple of red flags to keep your eyes peeled for. For one, if someone shows interest in you in a bar or on a dating website, run the other way. Now that we've cleared that up, there are a few other things to look out for. Someone who shows more interest in your appearance than the ever-important “who you are on the inside” has the wrong motives. If someone shows more interest in their own appearance than in either your appearance or your insides, they should be dating themself. If someone shows no interest in their appearance, they may not be an idiot, but they certainly are a slob and should probably be avoided for other reasons.

Some idiots are slick. They know how to trick someone into thinking they are a person of substance and integrity just to get that first date. Note that this idea is not original to their imagination but rather it's learned after countless rejections by perceptive people. These folks are actors and you have to be extra vigilant to spot these guys in a crowd. If you do get duped into hanging out with one of these fools, there are always the classic date-abandoning excuses. Have a friend call you at a designated time during any date you go on so you can have an “out” if you need it. After you hang up, tell the stooge that your house is on fire, or that you feel crippling diarrhea coming on and make a quick exit. If necessary, you could always make like the old sitcoms and climb out of the bathroom window.

If you're not creative enough to escape the date, you're gonna to have to suffer through it. Idiots either force you into participating in the so very unimaginative “dinner and a movie” date or they want to do something completely left-of-center like take you to play laser tag or get matching tattoos. Of course, they'll expect you to go dutch as well. No idiot would ever treat a woman like a lady. Bite your tongue and go through the motions, and remember that the clock is ticking it's way to the end of your date regardless of how bad of a time you are having.

The worst part about idiots is that they are usually oblivious people, which is what prevented them from becoming interesting and sensible people in the first place. Oblivious people don't usually realize when they are getting the brush-off and therefore will try to call/e-mail/visit you relentlessly after your first date. You must learn how to shed an idiot. Please note that it's not easily done since they tend to attach themselves to people like Velcro. To ditch a moron, you must do something drastic like tell them that you decided to move to Japan, or that you've contracted leprosy and must be quarantined for the rest of your life. It's very contagious you know! Remember, idiots are oblivious. They'll believe you and will decide it's not worth the bother to pursue you either internationally, or if you're in a state of near-death.

Guys? It's true. There are female idiots out there too. They are a little different from their male counterparts, but they are just as lonely and looking for anyone who will give them the time of day. Female idiots are bossy, brassy, superficial airheads who only want guys around them to give them attention and spend their money on them. Even if they don't like you, they will relentlessly try to contact you because they're obsessed with you liking them. These women don't care about you and no matter what they look like or what they promise, you should avoid them at all costs. Don't worry, there are plenty of guys willing to kowtow to them if you wise up to their tricks.

Worried that you might be an idiot? The best way to avoid being one is to avoid dating one. Have integrity, discernment, substance, and imagination. Don't self-obsess about your appearance, but also avoid neglecting your looks. You don't have to look perfect, but always try to look your best. Spend your time developing your personality, interests, and circle of worthy friends. Stop trying so hard and looking so hard and before you know it, the perfect person will find you. And if he or she does? Don't be afraid.

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