My Husband is an Idiot

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If we were to hold a contest inviting all married women to provide as many reasons to explain why “my husband’s an idiot”, how many do you think would (a) participate in the survey and (b) give at least five reasons for their husband’s idiotic qualities?

We have a strong suspicion that the survey would be a popular one and probably make it to CNN, with a thousand reasons; but seriously, have you heard many tales of woe from frustrated wives and girlfriends, who after five years of marriage realize that there isn’t much difference between a floundering schoolboy and a grown-up male?

For instance, we’ve heard these complaints from some of our female colleagues and friends:

“My husband’s an idiot – after five years of marriage and three children, he still buys me underwear – size small! Is he trying to tell me something or just doesn’t see the expanded me? Then he gets hurt when the underwear he buys is still in the original gift box.”

“My husband’s an idiot – the other day he insisted on sparing me a trip to the bank and offered to deposit the checks. I gave him the account number on a piece of paper with big bold numbers. What does he do? He deposits the checks into someone else’s account, mistaking the digit 9 for the digit 6.”

“My husband’s an idiot – he wanted to surprise me by taking me to this cute little village in Upper Canada. He said I’d enjoy the antique shops there. We’re driving along and then he misses a turn. I said, “let’s drop by the gas station and ask for directions.” He says no. He kept refusing to swallow his pride and admit he was lost. We never made it to the antique town. I was so mad it made me feel like a piece of antique. Imagine wasting an entire day on the road, lost and bewildered.”

“My husband’s an idiot – he was called away suddenly on a trip to Asia. His laptop wasn’t working well so he borrowed our daughter’s new laptop, promising her that he would take good care of it. When he gets to Asia, he plugs it into 220 volts, eager to send us an email saying that he arrived safely. The laptop got fried, of course, and my daughter was in tears. She had her school project on the hard disk and hadn’t made a copy.”

“My husband’s an idiot – he keeps telling his beer buddies he married me for my money.”

Do these complaints sound familiar?

There was a study once upon a time that said that the female species are a more intelligent lot, and that women almost always consistently performed better in school. Is there any truth to these statements?

If my Husband’s an Idiot… then I Must be the Smart One!

We stumbled upon a cool article on a web site that didn’t give the author’s name – the title of the article was “Are Women Smarter than Men?” and it simply said, “emailed to me by my friend Marvin.” The article writer said that it was the kind of article that Dave Barry would write – not that we know who Dave Barry is.

Anyway, we mentioned earlier that men are like schoolboys who never seem to grow up. This article insists that men are from…well…just school; women, however are from grad school. It’s because men would just spew out simple, straight answers when asked a question whereas women would give a well-researched answer – almost to the point of sounding terribly scholarly. True academics some women are.

An example: if a man walks into a shoe shop and the clerk asks, “what’s your shoe size, sir?” His answer would be 11. Or a 10.5. Nothing else. On the other hand, if a woman walks into a shoe store, she won’t give you her shoe size right away. She’ll mostly likely ask:

  • what’s the top made of?
  • how high is the heel?
  • does it have good cushion soles?
  • is this genuine leather or faux leather?
  • where is it made?
  • was child labor used to make this shoe?
  • how many colors do you have?
  • why does the buckle have to be that large?
  • do you have a softer beige?
  • how do I clean them?
  • what if I leave them out overnight?
  • are they durable, comfortable, organic, green, natural?
  • Try making a soft sell to a woman.

A man knows the difference between black and white colors. A woman? She can tell the difference between bone white, navajo white, off white and eggshell white, the article said. If they’re that detailed, no wonder they think that all men are such simpletons. If men’s brains get to warm the bench, women’s brains get a full cardiovascular workout, the article also said.

Chuckle…

One day a good friend was complaining. “I’m dumbfounded. My husband has all kinds of degrees. He’s got 2 doctorates. But why is it I can’t get him to understand basic instructions? We were going to join some friends in the club for a round of golf. I told him not to bother with my golf bag, I’d carry it myself as soon as I cleared the trunk of groceries. He picks up my bag and his and I stop him and say that he’s not going to make it past the narrow alleyway with 2 golf bags in tow. He ignores me. He says, watch me. Before I know it, the entire wall had scratches, he knocked off some crystal and getting to the garage, one golf bag fell and hit the garage door. There’s a huge dent. I just about lost my appetite for golf.”

We have a funny theory about men’s brains: if they’re often deprived of sex, the y don’t get the oxygen to their brains and blood circulation is slow. Maybe that’s why they’re not thinking straight. Their minds are on something else.

Can any scientist prove this theory? Because really, how do you explain that idiocy in men? Maybe the only way to find out is to put the theory to a test. If women didn’t say “not tonight, I have a headache” too frequently, would that make men smarter? You can’t make a man happy only through his tummy, you have to give him his basic need.

One writer said that men are smarter than women, but they’re twice as stupid. Is this contradictory, or is this fact?

Who knows?

Women love men, hate them, love them again. And perhaps they can’t live without men, no matter how insufficient their gray matter is. What’s great is that even if your husband’s an idiot, he will take the garbage out, change your flat tire and uncork champagne the right way!

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