Sexless Marriage

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We’re still debating which is worse: a sexless marriage or a chock-full-of-snores marriage. Both are grounds for divorce. But then…

Just as there are “state-of-the-art” devices that are supposed to lower the snore decibel and which can be worn during bedtime - obviously the time that the roaring and the howling are going on, there are also best-selling kama-sutras and other how-to manuals that tell you what positions are supposed to stimulate sexual desire.

And some pillow talk techniques, don’t forget.

For every problem, there’s a solution at hand. Maybe they’re not always the best solutions but it’s not as if we have no options.

So ladies and gentlemen, what seems to be the problem? Why do you have a sexless marriage?

Even body odor can be eliminated if you can no longer bear NOT to breathe during your intimate relations, or does your partner’s skin feel like sandpaper?

What are your biggest turnoffs to sex? Why do they kill desire so that not even the most suggestive black satin lingerie can rekindle that desire in you?

If it’s any consolation, those of who are suffering from a sexless marriage have counterparts at the other side of the fence: they’re complaining that their marriages are built on sex and sex alone. Oversexed spouses – that’s what they call them – such powerhouses of energy.

What gives?

Sexless Marriages - A National Epidemic?

We certainly hope it’s not a national epidemic. The trends though seem to be pointing in that direction. The reason we say this is that it’s not the sexless marriage that is a problem per se, but the reasons that make men and women lose interest in a commodity that eons ago provoked hunger pangs. The old flame is flickering, dwindling, fading away. And when there are no flames, it can get awfully dark in the bedrooms of America and Canada – and in the rest of the Arctic world.

Sex is to marriage as what flour is to cake. To bake a real pearl of a cake, you need flour. Otherwise the cake won’t rise. Okay, so it’s the yeast that actually makes a cake go up and up, but without flour, you wouldn’t have a cake. And let’s not argue this detail to death.

Without sex, there could still be a marriage – on paper – and in the eyes of everyone who were witnesses in the marriage ceremony. But a sexless marriage is a recipe for disaster. Couples will tolerate that vacuum in their lives for awhile, thinking it’s normal to go without sex. If this becomes a habit, however, then we ought to start screaming, where’s the beef?

The reasons for not having sex are varied but there’s evidence to prove that these are the very same reasons that snuff out the love that people, once upon a time, had for each other.

Popular Dr. Phil offered these insights on why we’re having to deal with the problem of sexless marriages. If it’s happening in at least 50% of households, then it just might qualify as a national epidemic.

Men and women are going through biological changes
We used to think that only women suffered these changes, but it seems that men too have not been spared. As we age, there are “weird” things that happen to our bodies. We’re not talking about turning gray or developing brittle bones or suddenly seeing corns grow out of the sides of our feet. We’re talking about what’s going on inside - to our mind, to our emotions, and to our overall feeling of wellness. Yes, these are more of a psychological nature, but biological changes cause some of these psychological changes in us. For women, lower hormone levels can affect sexual appetite. When menopause rears its ugly head, do you think women would obsess over lack of sex? We think they’d rather avoid it.

Individuals are depleting their sleep bank
When we chatted with our aunt in California one day about sexless marriages, she asked us if we heard the slogan that 60 is the new 40. Of course, we replied, that’s old hat! Then she comes back with another question, “Well, did you hear about the new sex?”

We said no. She said that last week some smart pseudo scientist came up with the statement that sleep is the new sex. How so, we asked. She said that more and more people, it appears, would rather sleep than have sex. That’s why, she pointed out, they’re called the married singles!

If sleep is your problem and you’re obviously too tired to make the first move in bed, there’s a generous sprinkling of sleep disorder clinics across the country and over the border, if you will. There are sleep specialists who’ll coach you and maybe perform a hypnotic gesture or two to help you catch up on those 40 winks.

Why are the children in OUR bedroom, honey?
Couples shy away from sex because the marriage produced children who love to jump and play…in momma and poppa’s big, wide bed. You can’t really explain it to them because they’re too young and innocent, and even if they’re in their own bedrooms, you dare not do any of the hanky panky in case one of them wakes up from a nightmare.

When your beautiful baby starts to cry at night wanting to be comforted, and you’ve had a long day in the office to boot, who can think of sex at midnight? It wasn’t like this when you were dating. Goodness, midnight was the best time to be intimate. There was something kinky about the nocturnal hour.

Me, Depressed?
Yes, folks. Dr. Phil believes depression plays a key role on sexless marriages. Some people recognize the signs of depression, it may run in families. Depression can be caused by a traumatic event, or by insufficient chemicals in the brain. While depression has become common currency these days, it can be difficult to diagnose when we’re not sure what the root cause is. It could be physiological in nature, or it could be purely psychological.

Naturally depression prevents a person from desiring intimacy. In fact when a person is depressed, there is nothing he wants to do. The appetite for food – and life – disappears overnight.

I’m not Superman, I’m just tired
Lack of energy is another culprit for sexless marriages. “Jim doesn’t understand what I go through in the office – I agreed to take on this high-stress corporate job because we needed more money to buy the things we’ve always wanted. But my job as manager of customer relations obliges me to charm and seduce every irate customer who wants to return product. Naturally my job is to convince them that our product is the best one in the market. Doing that at least 30 times a day is enough sex for me.”

A vicious cycle, they all say. When you don’t take care of your body through nutrition and exercise, your fatigue level soars. And when fatigue is riding high, sex is riding low. Way too low. Too tired for sex is what you’ll hear most people say these days.

Sexless Marriages - Can a Therapist Help?

If you can’t pinpoint what’s behind this absent desire, yes, perhaps a therapist can offer some valuable advice.

There are many possible reasons for sexless marriages. You have the more common ones, but in a few rare cases, you hear of “strange” theories that explain why a woman, for example, suddenly decides to stop having sex after marriage. Perhaps she was a rape victim many years ago and has never learned to cope emotionally with it. Or perhaps she was a victim of sexual abuse from a previous marriage and she can’t deal with intimacy because it triggers her memories of a horrid past.

This is where an independent third party can come to the rescue. If your marriage is worth saving, and we believe it is, and the lack of sex is about to make it come tumbling down, then find out how you can put the zing back into your marriage.

After your therapy sessions, you could come out of the therapist’s office with a song in your heart.

Hey, honey, do you remember where you put that Kama Sutra book we were looking at 10 years ago?

Under the mattress…perhaps?

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