Instead of running away or trying to hide your embarrassment, try to learn from it to improve your own relationship.

Couples that fight in public have no right to privacy. They are venting their dirty laundry in public and in many cases, one of them will pick the public spot because they know it will put a limit on how much the fight can escalate. We have all heard about the idea of breaking up with someone in a restaurant so they do not cause a ‘scene’? Public fighting is often treated the same way and if it bothered the couple to be overheard, they would agree to continue the discussion at home.

So how do you take their situation and apply it to your relationship? First off, public fighting shows a lack of self-respect, respect for their partner and what little value they put on their relationship. For example, think about where you see people fighting in public. It is usually big cities where anonymity is guaranteed whereas small town folks fight behind their own closed doors. The big city couple knows that part of living in close quarters with thousands of other people means that no one will recognize them, no one will gossip and that part of the unwritten rules of densely packed society is ‘mind your own business’. Picture the small town where everyone knows everyone else’s business – there are no couples fighting in public because no one wants to be the center of the gossip circle. Aretha had it right:

‘R-E-S-P-E-C-T!
Find out what it means to me!’

Public fighting is a cheat. Women often get the upper hand in the argument because the man cannot stand up for himself without looking abusive. It is an odd society we live in that the women can tear the man down in public and all that happens is the man garners the sympathy of everyone within earshot. Turn the tables, however, and the man is a cad and a heel and without much provocation, someone will call the cops on him. Women are often the instigator of the fight because they know they will be able to vent their argument without the man arguing back.

Fighting is a normal part of any relationship and holding in or bottling up feelings is hard on both your marriage and your health. Resentment breeds and when the couple does fight, all the bottled up feelings of hurt and pain come out at once. Worse, they never come out and the couple grows apart, letting the relationship die a slow death.

In a seventeen year study conducted by the University of Michigan School of Public Health showed that couples that hold in their emotions die twice as early as couples that express their feelings. Out of 192 couples that were classed in one of three groups – those that both parties expressed their feelings, those that one side repressed their feelings and one group where both parties bottled up their emotions. Of the twenty-six couples were both parties suppressed their feelings, there were thirteen deaths. Of the remaining 166 couples, there were only forty-one deaths. So although it is important to tell your partner how you are feeling, choosing a private place to begin the discussion is essential.

Fighting in public is dirty fighting, along with name-calling, bringing up every hurt the other person ever caused or bringing in friends or family in the ‘all our friends think…’ tactic. It is unhealthy and a sign the relationship is in serious trouble.

Instead of airing your dirty laundry, take a ‘time out’ and return to it at home. A time out will give you both a chance to calm down and think about what it is the two of you are fighting about. If the relationship is worth salvaging, you work it through without letting it escalate. Try putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and see the fight from both sides. The number one thing couples fight about is money and raising children so try to think of compromises or a plan that addresses both your needs while still doing what is best for your finances or kids. Work out a way to sit down with together and make a plan for the future so that the fight will not happen again.

So watch the couple in front of you in the grocery store line-up and learn from their behavior. Is the couple tearing each other down? Being disrespectful? Is there a way they could approach the problem without the name-calling or hurtful remarks?  Do you ever want your relationship to look like this one? No? Then take steps to make sure it never does and apply what you have learned by watching that couple to your own relationship.

Whether you have been dating for several months or several years, moving in together is a huge step. Before now, you have both had your own space so if you needed a break, you could always get it easily. When you were sick or feeling grumpy, you could hide in your own home, warmed by the knowledge that he will not see you looking anything less then perfect. Your space is your space and if you want stuffed animals on your bed, you can have them and if he wants to rebuild his motorcycle in his living room, he is welcome to do it.

Moving in suddenly means compromises, understanding each other’s space, needs and differences. It means discussing core values such as time, money, religion, family, friends, children and marriage so that both parties are entering into the union knowing what to expect.

Here are a few things to consider before moving in:

Can you talk to each other about anything? Moving in together is not a great time to have a ‘wait and see’ or ‘time will tell’ attitude. Before signing a lease together, talk through how the budget will look, who should clean what, which person is doing the cooking on what days, whether buying that big screen TV is a priority or whether the money should be put towards a new car instead

Often in the excitement of moving in together, people buy big ticket items together – a new bed, a new couch, a new car or that darn big screen TV. Talk through what is needed and instead of going halves on items, one of you buys the bed while the other buys the couch. What if you do not want the big screen TV but he can’t live without it? It is unreasonable to say you are not chipping in because you will end up watching it but what about saying you will buy the Blueray disc player to go along with it? You are contributing but since it is not a priority for you to have the huge 54” screen in your living room, you are not paying more then you are willing to spend.

Moving in together means that private matters are no longer private. Can you talk to him about any medical problems and does he understand that for one or two days a month, you are an emotional basket case?

Can you try living together for a month in one of your homes before leasing a place together? Try to make it as real as possible and don’t run away to your house at the first sign of a spat. Stick it out and work it through, soon you will have no option but to do just that.

Making quality time for each other is even more important when living together then when you were dating. You may spend more time in each other’s company under one roof but it doesn’t mean it is all good time. Exercise together in the mornings, enjoy a glass of wine and decompress together after work, have a once a week date night even if that date is renting a movie and hanging on the couch together.

Not sure whether you can live with each other? Go away together for a week first then and see how that goes. And not to an all-inclusive party place either – road trips are the best test for a relationship. Vacations are fun, yes, but they are also stressful and each day throws decisions and compromises at you both that will make communication necessary.

One thing that new couples do not do but should is spend some time with a financial planner. Money and finances are the number one relationship killer so why not deal with it at the beginning? A financial planner will help you develop a budget, understand each other’s priorities when it comes to money and will help you plan for upcoming expenses such as a wedding, buying a house and retirement. If the money is figured out ahead of time in an intelligent and organized way with the help of someone who understands both of your needs and desires, many of the potential arguments are diffused before they even begin to smolder.

Living together is a bit step in a relationship and should not be entered into lightly. What your four T’s - talk things through, take time together, touch and build trust in each other.   

We met because of that old car and even though the proposal was not as romantic as some girls would like, he was my knight in shining armor that day and every day since. Two years later, when I asked him to hand me a flathead screwdriver so I could scrape some 40 plus year old grease off of the disc brake housing, he was still that knight when there was a glistening diamond ring around the driver.

Not every girl likes to work on cars but I am sure with a little imagination, you can come up with an equally touching proposal that has significance to both you and your girlfriend.

As nice as the romantic dinner proposal can be, it is a little humdrum. Watch a few movies and you see it done a million times, probably better then you would do it yourself.

First, think about what type of woman she is – does she enjoy big scenes, is she close with family and friends, or is she a private person? This can go a long ways to helping narrow down your ideas, as a private person may not want her proposal to come on a billboard along the freeway she takes home from work. Someone who enjoys sharing special moments with family and friends may think a surprise ‘marry me’ party surrounded by everyone important in her life is the perfect proposal.

What did you do on your first date? Can you recreate the moment or, if not the first date then the ‘ta-da’ moment where you both knew you had finally met ‘the one’? Think hard, was there a significant moment where you looked into each other’s eyes and at the same time knew you would be together forever? Mine was at a cheesy Mexican restaurant an hour after we met and I was so bewildered by what was going through my head that I walked straight into a stone pillar on the way to the door. I am glad my husband chose to propose the way he did rather then take me back to that embarrassing scene.

My cousin met her now husband at a NHL hockey game – they just happened to be sitting beside each other and started chatting. When he wanted to propose a year later, he had the proposal put over the screen on the scoreboard during a break in the first period. Not only was it incredible to be proposed to in front of everyone in the arena and all the hockey fans watching at home, he had told friends and family what he was doing so everyone was watching too! The sports announcer even drew everyone’s attention to the board and then the lights and cameras all shot straight to my cousin. It was easy to organize, relatively inexpensive and a memorable way to propose!

My neighbors are in their fifties, both were previously married with grown children. They are also quite well off and spend much of their time traveling. Her proposal came in the most delayed way possible. In her Christmas card were two tickets to fly to Greece for the fifth anniversary of their first date. When they arrived in Greece, they got into a limo at the airport with all their bags and gear. A short ways before they reached the hotel, he asked the driver to pull over so they could walk the rest of the way to ‘stretch their legs after a long flight’. After a few hundred feet, they came across an arch covered in white toile and flowers, a Justice of the Peace, a man in a tuxedo holding champagne, her sister, his brother and sister in law and one of her adult children. Right then he got down on one knee, asked her to marry him and ten minutes later, it was done.

A friend of mine loves to hike, she is a true outdoor enthusiast. Her fiancée organized with a friend to have a champagne picnic waiting for them just off the trail. The had reconnoitered the spot beforehand and when he asked her to follow him off the beaten path, she almost said no and he had to think fast for a reason that she should come with him (have a reason already figured out!). When they came across the picnic, he sat down and started pouring the champagne (the friend was nowhere to be found, previously arranged of course). She had a fit thinking he was muscling in on someone’s private picnic and was ready to march off, furious with him! It wasn’t until he pulled out the ring that she realized that this was indeed for them and he knew what he was doing! Every year on the anniversary of that infamous day, they take a bottle of wine and relive that picnic proposal.

The point I am trying to make is there are a million ways to ask the love of your life to marry you but there is only one way to do it right. With a little thought and preparation, you can find that perfect way and it will be a story that you will tell your grandchildren.

Infidelity is the ultimate disloyalty between a couple and although it is usually associated with married couples and sex, married folks are not the only ones who can ‘cheat’, nor is infidelity purely sexual. Statistics collected by InfidelityFacts.com state that 53% of marriages end in divorce and 57% of men an 54% of women say they have committed infidelity. Work-related affairs occur in 36% of marriages and 17% of men and women admit to having an affair with the brother or sister in law. Most affairs last two years on average and only thirty-one percent of marriages survive an infidelity by one or both parties.

So why is there so much infidelity? Considering John Gottman, the guru of marriage, divorce and cheating, states that in his 35 years of research only twenty percent of divorces are caused by an affair and that “most marriages die with a whimper, as people turn away from one another, slowly growing apart", why do so many people cheat?

In the book Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by author Malcolm Gladwell, Gladwell quotes Gottman’s theories of ‘how to predict which couples will stay married’. The theory is based on ‘four major emotional reactions that are destructive to a marriage: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism and contempt’. Of these four, contempt is the most critical.

Gottman feels the two marriage killers are ‘slowly growing apart’ and contempt. One breeds the other in many situations and if you lack respect for someone, it is impossible to continue to love them. So as people move apart, the gap becomes a wedge between the couple and soon one or both parties will find someone to fill the hole left by the other person.

Humans are not monogamous by nature so in many ways, marriage and relationships enforce an unnatural state on us, which makes many people balk. Men in particular are prone to the natural urge of ‘spreading his seed’ and when children come along, some have problems viewing their wife as a sexual figure any more. Sex becomes routine and soon they begin to look for the excitement of a new sexual partner.

Women on the other hand do not cheat for the sake of sex or the ‘notch in the bedpost’. Women are in search of an emotional connection and if they do not feel that with their partner, then they will look for it elsewhere, even inadvertently. Women do not have to have intercourse to cheat. Instead, they can fall in love and find the emotional connection they require without ever thinking they are cheating but the damage is done just the same.

The internet has not helped. Our society has become one of instant gratification and the ease of accessing internet dating, chatting and pornography definitely fuels the fire. It is estimated that eight to ten percent of internet users become addicted to online sex in one shape or another and a growing number of divorce proceedings are claiming internet sex as a cause.

So what is the answer to our straying spouses? Relationships fall apart for a few simple reasons: couple not taking time for each other, not talking, not touching and not trusting each other. Instill some of the life back into your relationship by going on ‘dates’ together. Talk to each other, not just about the kids but also about your hopes, feelings and desires. Communication is really the key to a healthy relationship and too often we spend time talking to everyone else but the person we are supposed to spend the rest of our lives with. Touching – hugs, kisses, holding hands, cuddling on the couch are all things we loved when we were dating so why does it stop? Introduce it back into your daily interactions and you will quickly see a difference an improvement in your relationship. Trust is the toughest one but nothing breeds frustration like jealousy and it does not take long before problems erupt.

Relationships do take nurturing. Couples begin to take each other for granted and frustration develops for both parties. From there, it is only a downwards spiral to cheating and eventual divorce.

Taking time to understand the other person, to listen to what they say, to put yourself in their shoes and to appreciate them for who they are is critical. Remember why you married them in the first place and how they made you feel that first few years. Now make a date with your spouse for a romantic evening with just the two of you at a favorite restaurant or go away for a fun-filled weekend. Put the time, talking, touching and trust back into your marriage and fall in love all over again.