I was an unlikely candidate to be a stay at home. In my twenties I was a partier and had more fun and friends than most! Life was good. Accidentally, my husband and I became parents and almost immediately I changed. My life took on a new meaning and purpose and even throughout pregnancy I began the entire denial of self that makes moms like me feel or think (at least temporarily) that they are doing the right thing. So 12 years in, I am exhausted and have realized that taking care of mom is important. But how? When? And how do you suddenly begin taking care of your self when you have been the do it all mom and wife for so long! If only I had paid attention watching some of my friends who had this way of easily becoming detached from their children. But instead I scorned them secretly and outwardly. Maybe I was jealous! Looking back I can notice that it has more to do with the fact that I had a lousy, inconsiderate mother growing up and I was terribly fearful of my kids feeling one day about me, like I do about her! So my fear turned me into super mom, super wife and the most selfless person on the face of the Earth. At least so I thought!

What happened to me, happens to most people in due time. You become resentful, sad, quiet and withdrawn. At some point you become ill or realize that you are picking up every infection that used to never faze you. On the inside you are pissed although you don’t really have the words to say it. But lets be honest, the inability to finish a sentence, use the bathroom, talk on the phone, go the store, write a letter, watch a TV program, cook a meal (this least goes on forever) without being interrupted gets irritating after a while. And as the kids get older and you imagine that they will leave you alone more or at least not be so needy; they really only need you more. Why is it they seem to think that no matter what I am doing or in the middle of; that it is not as important as what they want! I mean seriously, couldn’t they wait to tell me about Rachel from science class until I am done brushing my teeth! The reason that they don’t seem to think any of that is important or difficult to endure for more than one decade is because in my adamancy to do and be it all; I taught them that no one had to take care of mom…not even mom! So, like most things in life it is my fault! The trouble then turns to how to change it.

As a matter of survival, I had to change it. I realized I couldn’t coach softball with a two year old at my feet and that I couldn’t write with passion when someone was constantly trying to get me to match clothes or find underwear. So the kids and I had a talk. First, I explained that I was tired…so much so that I wasn’t enjoying life much anymore. Then I explained that there were certain things that they could handle on their own now! Even the two year old. I started putting myself in mommy time outs which meant that unless the house was on fire; no one could interrupt me. We decided that bowls of cereals and snacks after school did not have to be made with moms signature and could be very well be gotten by the capable. We went through the whole spiel together and I explained quite succinctly that mom needed some time to think, to have peace and quiet and that this was important to my health and my sanity.

Although I still don’t feel good about dumping the kids on others or handing over the things that I feel are my responsibility I have built up immunity to the guilty gestures and comments that my kids impose on me. When I tell them to go away and busy themselves for a minute, they huff and stomp and add their sarcastic “SOrreeeeeee, didn’t know I was bothering you” routine and for a minute I question myself. But once that minute is over, I finish what I am doing and rarely make an issue of it. What the children don’t realize and what I didn’t realize until recently, is that I was caught up in teaching my kids that mom was not important, and that taking care of mom all the way around was not a priority in our family. As my health; both emotional and physical began to suffer from this secret policy that I had initiated so many years ago I realized quickly and harshly that things had to change. And they have! Now I am in the healing process myself!

The ironic thing is that in this process I have actually become a better mom and earned a lot of respect from my children. I am calmer and less easily frustrated on those days when everything seems to go wrong. I have more patience and when I am with my children, I am really with them rather than imagining some hot beach with sand between my toes and a margarita in my hand. I notice them more and they in turn seem to notice me more. And this is a good thing. I am hoping that as they become mothers one day they will remember the changes in me that they have seen and remember to take care of themselves and to ensure that taking care of mom is always a priority in life.

Over the course of a few years I have realized that a very interesting yet powerful teacher of mine has been the herd of heifer cows that live out in the pasture. For most of my life I would have agreed that cows were not the brightest of creatures although their silent and powerful presence is a beautiful thing to watch from a porch swing! But as I watched many of these heifers become mothers for the first time I realized that cows no more about innate motherhood than most people combined. Just about everything I ever needed to know about motherhood; I learned from cows!

Understanding the Sacredness of Birth

Our cows are bred to deliver in the late Spring when the grass is fresh and the air is neither hot nor cold. Daylight is longer than which enables me more time to watch as they get ready to have their calves. Thus, the first lesson. Delivery and birth is a private affair. It is a moment in life that can never be relived and if done wrong the first time can lead to irreversible feelings of resent. Cows know when they are about to labor and will silently, quickly and secretly disappear into the thickest forest they can find. One minute they are sitting in the middle of an open pasture and the next they are delivering a 70 pound calf in the brush. When they disappear, it is always time to go find them. Usually when you do, they are licking and nudging a soft and cuddly figure of bones and fur until they are dry. There is a special tone to their moo that naturally becomes the calf’s name and together they take the first hours of life to bond. Mama cows are infinitely patient and responsive to their babies, never ignoring a noise or stunted breath as they cough up leftover mucus from their now breathing lungs. Even a first time mama cow will become aggressive and guarding of her calf after birth and they realize the importance of an intimate, private and natural birth! They want no other sounds, smells or confusion around their calf as they build the first foundation of family. People could learn a lot from watching this! Cows give birth the way birth is supposed to be; quiet, still and perfectly beautiful.

What the Meaning of Tough Love is all About

Soon after birth, within a few minutes a calf will try with tenacity to get up. It is similar to watching a toddler walk. Mama cows bellow with their special moo and nudge them toward the utter. Instinctively they latch on and nurse the sparse drops of colostrum they need to be healthy. Sometimes, the mothers lick them so hard trying to clean their fur that they knock them down. It almost seems cruel. But cows know that life is often about survival and security and they will always o what is right first beyond what is nice. They know if their calf is cleaned and dry that a pack of coyote’s wont smell the birth and that they are less likely to get sick from bacteria or fluctuating temperatures. They also know that by licking them they are taking in their smell, tasting them and quickly and easily asserting themselves as mother. When it comes to cows, mother is at the top of the pecking order.

Limits & Boundaries

Within a few days (by the toddler years in human life) mama cows begin disciplining their young. No, it is not harsh or mean but they use their massive heads to direct their young. Few mother cows allow their young to get out of line and when they do there is a certain tone and presence of their body that ALWAYS quickly gets the attention of their baby. Cows realize that discipline is about boundaries and setting limits and that it is vital to safety; especially in the midst of a herd. It is evident from the get go of life with cows and is probably why they so easily transition into herd life. When a calf becomes rambunctious, hopping around with curiosity and chasing silly dogs- Mama cows step in. No calf is left wondering what is tolerated and what is not….the mothers make it clear. As for consequences…they don’t have to use them because they are never questioned.

Taking Time Out to Breath

Another lesson I learned from cows is that all mothers need a break. All mothers deserve a break and that no matter what; your baby will be okay for a brief lapse of time while you are out to graze greener pastures. Mothers trust their young to stay put, hidden in the stink weed and teach them right away that if they call, mama will come! There is no separation anxiety for either. In the first few days of life, the mother cows stay vigilant sacrificing their own nourishment to ensure that no one, not people, animals or even other cows mess with their child. But after that they trust, they let go! Cows are unequivocally adept at appointing another eager and loving mom to act as babysitter and normally she will stay with all the calves throughout the day. Even more interesting they take turns; ensuring that all of the moms get their fill of green grass and clover! And, once a mama – always a mama; as cows seem to discipline all calves. If one gets out of line they will always ever so gently point them in the right direction. It takes a village to raise a child and apparently a calf too!

Along the same lines, a mother cow will swallow down a tough of sweet feed and push their baby away from it. Just because they are mom doesn’t mean that the apples and salt blocks of life are to be given to her children. She still puts herself first! They will also use their back legs and a very clear signal moo to wean their young when the time is right. In the beginning they allow them to nurse all they want; but shortly they force them to act their age and begin nibbling grass. If they are not in the mood to nurse; they simply don’t! They will come back to it but they know how much their calf needs and although they can reel them in anytime they allow and expect them to have their freedom.

Being a Mom is no a Family Affair & Routines

Having generational cows in the pasture, it is clear who belongs to whom. Still, pecking order is important. Cows are matriarchal BUT you will never see a grandma or aunt cow trying to take over the raising. If mom won’t do it, is unable to do it or can’t do it – the calf will not get what it needs! There is usually one cow in a whole herd who will take on strays but by and large, mama cows know they have the utmost responsibility. They don’t get tired, they don’t get bored, they don’t forget that precious moment when they delivered and they don’t get to hand off or pass over their responsibility! They know that if they do, their calf will be the one to suffer!

Cows are also completely routine creatures. They make paths in the dirt from their constant walking. They know where to be at 1pm or 1am and they will always be in the same spot unless they are sick or having a calf! Cows know that routines make things work. They know that by eating in a pattern they won’t run out of grass in one area and they know that the afternoon sun is hot – so they make it a point to graze in the shade. This is their example in life and through this example they teach all there is to know about being a cow! They teach them what to fear and what to ignore; what to eat and what to pick around! They teach them where to drink and how to swim. Their routine is their life and although it may seem to get dull at times; cows know nothing of it. They are happy and content the way things are!

Letting Go & The Meaning of Love

Perhaps the most important thing I have learned from cows is that there comes a time in life when we have to let go. I have seen calves die in the fields and the mothers knew they were sick. Still they chase away the vultures. I have seen them have miscarriages or deliver still born young; yet still they love. They are immediately changed. Normally, it takes several days if not weeks for these heifers to get over their loss. Many search through ditches and thick pine straw for weeks on end, mooing in that certain way hoping to find their young. When calves are separated for cultivation purposes – there is an extremely deep sense of longing and remorse that takes over the farm. At night when most pastures are quiet the distant echoes of mother and baby can be heard for weeks. But then, they let go! When cows grow and no longer need their mother for everything, mama cows let go and watch from a distance as their young becomes a mother herself. They are far away but never out reach; as mother hood is supposed to be.

No matter how dumb a cow may seem; they can teach much about maternal love. Love is in the way they respond and clean their baby. Love is in the way they move alongside them and they way the just know things. They can be acres a part and a mother cow will raise her head from the grass with that look as she walks off to find her calf. Perhaps surrounded by a stray dog or maybe even hungry. In a field of all black calves, the mama cows know (even though they don’t see well) which one is theirs and this holds true for years to come. You can separate them for 4 months and they will still know!

Perhaps it seems strange that cows are such incredibly loving and dutiful mothers. The truth is that they do something few of us human mothers do anymore; believe in our instinct and judgment when it comes to being a mom. Cows believe that motherhood is a gift and as such they trust in their most innate place of intimacy to do and be a mother at all times. Inside every mother exists the embodiment of what motherhood is and should be and it quite simply is up to the creature to form gratitude and expression of spirit that clearly expressed the many different layers and facets of love and motherhood.

Perhaps it is more important to look at why it has changed and whether or not the changes have been effective at achieving what is supposed to be the one main goal of parenting; to raise happy, well adjusted adults! According to research into things like crime, drug use, alcoholism, mental illness and domestic abuse it is clear that all of these things are steadily on the rise. Perhaps more alarming is that first time offenders are now much younger now than they were 40 years ago. Some liberals will no doubt be saying it is because more is reported and calculated; but the truth is that years ago children had limits and boundaries and RULES and more importantly consequences! Now days parents see setting limits and enforcing them as detrimental to the parent – child friendship. Do we really want to be friends with our children? Seems that adults should find more suitable playmates!

This transition started slowly over the years as things like child abuse and fields of psychology became more mainstreamed. Back when; people kept their craziness to themselves airing their dirty laundry for no one! Now, parents discuss every fine little detail of their life with the mom sitting next to them at the ball field as if ill behavior is an expected and tolerated part of childhood. Think about it; was bad behavior tolerated when you were a kid? Mom probably had a paddle stored in her apron pocket and the words “wait till your father gets home” meant something…terrible! Parents followed through and played the part of Alpha male in their children’s life! But suddenly we are too civilized for all of that! Certainly beating a child is wrong and not appropriate; and spanking should not be the punishment of choice; yet statistics show clearly that 74% of all parents admit to spanking their children in anonymous polls! Sometimes, a parent has to get a child’s attention fast and when hollering doesn’t work a simple tap on the hand or bottom can do the trick!

Another indication of how parenting has changed over the years is the epidemic of ADA/ADHD children that are medicated each year. This number rises monthly; because as soon as a child shows an iota of independence or resistance for the “way of the home” parents rush them into specialists and eagerly have them medicated. Absolutely this is not true for all children, but ADD and ADHD aren’t new; they were just dealt with differently than they are now. Chances are you can think back to your child hood and remember a child that today would have been labeled as something.

The April 2009 edition of Psychology today reported that there are more clinical diagnosis’s of depression among parents today than ever in the history of psychological medicine. What does that say? It shouts that parents are not in charge. Every where you look you see parents doing everything and providing everything for their children at the expense of their own happiness. Parents feel forced to provide the nicest house in the best subdivisions, drive the coolest car and cart their children to numerous places to ensure they are being stimulated enough. Years ago children stimulated themselves with things other than Nintendo’s, Wii’s, TV’s, IPODS, the internet and all the other new toys that parents are throwing in their children’s lap. 16 year olds often drive nicer cars than their parents and credit card debt from all this ‘giving’ is destroying the economy. How many moms and dads are wearing the same pair of jeans they have had for years yet feel pressured to spend a grand on new school clothes for their kids each Fall? It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out how parenting has changed. It also doesn’t take a brain surgeon to fix it or a Dr. Phil or Ferber! Come on parents…when a baby cries they want to be picked up and when a teenager is spoiled, bratty, snotty and not doing what they are supposed to do they should be curtly and firmly put in their place. Who is the boss? The children of this world have figured that out; so why can’t the parents?

Secondary to what parents are constantly doing and giving to their children; comes the emotional battering that children are allowed to inflict upon parents. This of course is facilitated by all the nice and fluffy parenting advice that parents soak up like a sponge. God forbid we put our child in their place or tell them they can’t sing well to avoid the embarrassment of standing on stage howling like a dog. We say “good job” and you were great and lead them down a path where they become self absorbed and completely unequipped to deal with the real world. We give them choices instead of orders. Did your parents do that? The answer is clear, we did what we were told and how and if we didn’t we were lucky to get food for dinner let alone the privilege to watch TV for the remainder of the year. Now, sending a child to bed without dinner is not humane.

The bottom line is this! Parents have become soft and uninfluential. Parents have handed over everything to their children. Children are entitled, spoiled, cant take no for an answer and rarely understand the importance of respect, integrity, working for things or being grateful. This makes poor adults! Soon, across this world we will have an Earth full of adults who don’t know the meaning of sacrifice or sharing. They won’t understand compassion and what a blessing is. Few will believe in Angels or realize the importance of saying please, thank you and sorry! What will happen to the militaries, to the people willing to give their life to teach? The repercussions and ripple affect from what can be considered sissy parenting will have an everlasting affect on this entire world! If we do not understand how parenting has changed right now; we will see it clearly in a decade!

Before you break down and try to keep up with the Jone’s or cave to social pressure consider a few things. Most school systems across the board have stringent policies about cell phone usage during school hours. They are clearly an interruption to class time and with capabilities like texting and internet access can easily be abused and used to abuse classmates. If they are forbidden to use a cell phone in school; why give a child a cell phone to take to school? For so many children who do not have the gifts of self discipline it seems like an open invitation to trouble.

Secondly, consider the cost. Children really believe that money grows on trees and they may see their innocent text messages and lengthy phone conversations about what so and so was wearing as harmless. Once you get the bill; you might see them differently. Parents might threaten to make a child pay for the bill if overused; but realistically few elementary, middle and even high school kids for that matter can afford a $400 bill. Another consideration is the fact that within schools and children’s venues there is going to be theft and there is going to be forgetfulness. Providing the top notch Iphone for a child who can’t even keep up with their own toothbrush or pencil is not just ridiculous; it is just plain ignorant! If you are giving a child a cell phone; make sure it is one of your oldie but goodies or buy something for $15 at Wal-Mart! Prepaid; although more expensive at the onset may be the best bet for youth cell phone users because it avoids the shock and horror that comes with overages or the disappointment that results from leaving it in the cafeteria, loaning or having it stolen. If your kids balk at having to use a dinosaur; give them the choice to either take this one; or not have it!

There are also some other altercations that cell phones and children seem to invite. The whole text and picture fad has opened up a plethora of indecent things to young children. Although they might not understand the implications for taking pictures of themselves or others in either promiscuous or private moments; it can be legally prosecuted. Teens use these devices to play out battles and social clashings in school and can easily forward rumors, gossip and other painful information to hundreds of people within an instant. Certain things can be legally prosecuted and it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out who will be responsible for footing that bill.

Giving a child a cell phone should be looked at as a privilege. Yes, they can survive without it. No, you are not saving their life by giving them the phone. Chances are in the event of any large scale national emergency or even a localized school fire or shooting- cell phones are one of the first things the government will shut down. It seems that when your child begins to drive or spend hours away from home unattended at band camp or ball practice; that the time to have a cell phone is upon you. Prior to that…it is just silly! If parents would begin using their heads and stop trying to ensure that their child has everything they want but doesn’t need; spending more time providing the things they need but don’t necessarily want like supervision, control, limits, boundaries and rules, the cell phone conversation would be non-issue until they are driving.

Speaking of driving, take a look around as you shift through the streets of your town or local market places and see how many young people use cell phones. You can’t order a drive through burger or stop at a traffic light without seeing some young person chatting endlessly - paying no attention to anything that they are supposed to because a cell phone is glued to their ear. What is this generation learning about smelling the roses or enjoying the moment?

Giving a child a cell phone is a familial decision - but one that should be made thoughtfully and with rules that a parent can enforce. They really don’t need them. They really aren’t allowed to have them in school and they really are a distraction to adults and children all around. When we were young we used hand me down bats and clothes before our parents were willing to foot the bill. When we got the new stuff it was a Christmas or birthday present and we cherished it. Why suddenly have parents begun to feel so sure that children of today are entitled to things like cell phones or laptops? If you are considering giving a child a cell phone it is wise to hammer out your reasons for doing so before deciding whether or not to do. If it is needed, useful and conducive to something positive for either you or your child…then do it! Otherwise you should probably wait a few years until the cell phone is actually warranted!

During our dating years he never mentioned my appearance but I always knew that he was proud of being with me. He was not jealous, clingy, possessive or untrusting yet I knew that he knew that there probably wasn’t a man out of my reach. That thought never did and still has not crossed my mind. Now, married with a houseful of children under our belt I have to admit that the one thing I let go of was my body. Not because it didn’t matter or because it wasn’t important; but because enduring multiple pregnancies, c-sections, breastfeeding (which I swear makes women retain weight longer) and living through the dynamic changes that child rearing and age put on a woman’s body (at least most women) there was no time or energy left to pay it mind. Until recently!

I started a silent diet several months back not telling a soul. I cut out the Coke’s and began eating properly. Instead of picking up half eaten chocolate covered pretzels and finishing the food on my children’s plate I began replacing meals with Slim Fast shakes and cutting out sugars and sweets altogether. Water began to become my life blood and drinking enough ounces to match my weight per pound was cleansing my skin, my body and interestingly my soul. It just felt good. The first week or two were a bit difficult and I was slightly hungry; wishing I could have the Nutty-Buddy or Potato chips that my children were snacking on. As soon as I realized that things were working though my appetite became as non-existent as dinosaurs. 27 pounds and several months later I have to say that I feel great, proud and absolutely love the way I look again. The shift in my weight made me begin to take care of myself again; exercising properly, manicuring my fingers and keeping up with my highlights. It seemed that the whole world noticed the change in me and compliments, kudos and awe struck responses came pouring in. I could see the sexy curves of my collarbones and actually spent the time liberally applying sandalwood and rose lotion on my legs after every shower. Hot? Not exactly; but definitely on the way.

About this same time I realized that my husband never said a word. He would grumble and make sarcastic comments about the Slim Fast shakes in the fridge and would never forget to bring me home a Coke. He would tell the kids to “go give this to Mommy” at which they would exclaim “She doesn’t drink Coke anymore!” He hid Hershey chocolate bars on my pillows and began asking me to make “our” favorite Mexican cheese dip when the kids were in bed. As my clothes no longer fit I was becoming confident again to purchase those tight fitting yet classy clothes that made me feel like a woman. At 40; I still realized that things had to be age appropriate. Suddenly my husband would try to get me to wear his cut off sweat pants or oversized shirt to the store where a year ago he was complaining about me borrowing his duds. I realized almost at once, that my husband was trying to make me fat again. Although he never commented about my weight loss, he would comment that I wasn’t eating enough at dinner (compared to my two plates from the past) and say things like “I didn’t have to lose weight for him because he liked me the way I was.” (As if that was the only reason to lose weight)

The cokes, candy and late night invites to Mexican or Waffle House kept coming. Still nothing about how good I looked. The inner sex kitten was reawakened and I could tell when he ran his hands over my body that he was definitely enjoying sex more. The lights during sex were no longer an issue and the confidence in my self and my body improved our sex life tenfold. The lingerie from years ago was coming out of the drawers and onto my body and yes, he was (is) loving it! But no comments about my weight loss. He does complain about me waking up earlier than ever to get in my morning run and thinks I should take the time to ‘sleep in.’ Did he really want me to be fat again? I wasn’t sure.

It also seemed that my trips to Wal-Mart or the grocery store, to the PTA meeting and to the softball games now became more of a big deal. Where was I going, Why was I dressed so nice, who was going to be there that I wanted to impress? Hmm, a woman with four screaming ranting kids at her side is more like a poster child for birth control than for pin-up and I wondered what in the world he was thinking. I began to realize that although he never once complained about my old body that grew with every child I reared; he was somewhat concerned with the shape of the new one. 15 years into marriage and at the age of 40 it seemed silly to think I was up to anything. Even if I wanted to how in the world would I do it with kids constantly under my wing? My husband really did like me better fat. Perhaps not exactly; but he was comfortable and certain that few if anyone would find me attractive or at least attractive enough to cause him any strife.

So; my jury of 15 years of marriage concludes that husbands really do like their wives fat. Sure, they like to look at all those women who look hot and sexy but they want to know somehow that the woman they come home to is complacently unmotivated to get back her body. To me it seems that since our (his) sex life has become hot and wild again that he would certainly be appreciative of the super charged confidence and self pride I have again. But not so- now he just thinks I am hornier not realizing that I have always been this way but was too self conscious to act on it! Poor fellow! Just last weekend at a surprise party for an old high school buddy of my husband we ran in to people we hadn’t seen since before we got married. They were wowed by the fact that we had 4 kids, even more surprised that we were still married and even more shocked that I looked as good as I did. One of the guys slapped my husband on the back and said “Damn, even after all this time you still have the hottest wife in town!” My husband smiled and slipped his arm around my decreasing waist into the back pocket of my jeans. “Yeah…she looks pretty good” he said with a smile. We left it at that; but for the first time in a long time I felt that feeling again that he was proud to be with me. The difference is now the reasons are for more than just my looks! As we left the party which was essentially a barbeque he asked me if I wanted to go to Waffle House on the way home. Just for him…I said okay! Once we got there I ordered water and a grilled chicken salad with no dressing or cheese. He spent the whole meal trying to get me to ‘taste’ his scrambled eggs with cheese, hash browns and quarter cheese burger! Does he prefer me to be fat? Unequivocally…yes; but now he will have to learn to live with the new me that prefers to be thin! Somehow I think he will be okay with it…

The good news is that I have a choice. Just like all of us do! You have a choice to understand your self worth at all costs and to feel good about the everything that make us unique and makes us who we are. There is an old expression that says no one can make you feel any way without your approval! This is perhaps the most altruistic expression that describes the individual power of each person. To understand your self worth you must first realize that it is not measured by anything external. It doesn’t matter how much money you make or how you look. It doesn’t matter what kind of car you drive or how successful your kids or family are. Self worth is not about anything other than the inner you that you know. Self worth is about realizing all at once that who you are and what you are is a divine creature of substance that gives something extra special to this world every breathing moment of their life.

I am not a religious person per se. I believe wholly in God and am filled with gratitude for life that I am unable to express through words. I pray daily, nightly and every moment in between. I ask for understanding and peace, love and happiness and all the things that God is to me. I am humbled to stand with two feet planted on an Earth that is so much bigger than any one of us; yet beholds all the treasures that are needed to sustain each of us. Like thread, I am part of a massive quilt of man kind that would not be the same without me. I understand that my self worth transcends modern methods of reasoning and that feeling bad about what I do for a living or what I earn only negates and probably irritates a God that has obviously given each of us so much!

To understand your self worth you must be able to see past the obvious. It is equally important to see past the exterior character that each and every person creates in this world as a way of hiding. When we see in others things we can respect, love and admire – we are mirroring things in ourselves that we feel the same about. Similarly as we found things that are met with disdain in others, we are simply reflecting on those things about ourselves where we have not yet begun to understand our self worth. All of us are creatures who can change at will. We are not butterflies that have to wait and live in cocoons before we can unfold and bloom. With each morning, we can understand our own self worth and make it a day to remember. Everything that we need is provided to be happy- always! It is just left up to our choice.

Many people that I know spend hours in a daze of putting themselves down. They feel bad because they are over weight or because they don’t have enough money. They live in a world that somehow perpetuates them to feel badly. Secretly I think they like it there. By always focusing on this negative side to life they are ensuring that they never understand their own self worth and the superb impact that each of them can have. It enables them to remain unmotivated. It is as if they are victims of their own life and mind. Being fat, poor, ugly, and lazy or any negative quality does not mean that a life is not worth something. First we must be able to feel gratitude for what we are equipped with, realize the importance of our every breath and decide each day that we are worthy of this day of life.

Along the road of life lots of people try to inadvertently change our self worth. Sometimes a stranger, teacher, parent, friends or relatives word can sit harshly on our shoulders forever leaving us with a scar of damage to our self worth. The older we get the more important it is to understand your self worth and realize that no one can take it away from you without your permission. As we seek to understand just how much we have to offer in life by way of our presence we can begin to thoroughly understand our self worth.

For me, sometimes it is irritating that no understands or appreciates all that I do. I have learned in life though that often the thankless and silent tasks we do are done in order to make ourselves feel complete. To understand your self worth takes much time and patience and is the most important task we have to become the kind of person that we can admire. The journey is as individual as the hair on each of our heads and as important as anything in life we strive to accomplish!

I was one of those people. I consider myself to live a life that consists of healthy eating and just enough exercise to keep things moving. For months, I had been suffering with afternoon bouts of fatigue and several episodes of the ‘shakes’ which made me feel weak and hungry. Usually, once I had a coke or something to eat – my body shifted back into its normal state of well being. Having a large family and tons of responsibilities it is not necessarily unusual for me to forget to eat, and I quite simply attributed these episodes to that. When I spoke to my doctor at a normal visit, she immediately tested me for diabetes. The results- I was a diabetic! But not by conventional measures.

Genetically speaking I was predisposed to the disease. But fairly young and in pretty good health it was a bit shocking. Even more confusing is that traditional blood work and fasting glucose tests did not reveal the diabetes. Lancet finger samples however unequivocally showed that my body had an inability to regulate my blood sugar. The next step was medication and daily testing to see if it was working. Injections she told me were right around the corner. Could it really be that bad?

I am a firm believer that illness is the result of something emotional. Louise Hayes, my very favorite holistic author attributes diabetes to a “lack of finding the sweet stuff in life.” Am I really facing diabetes, because I have lost my ability to soak in all the goody out of life? It was worth investigating.

Daily testing showed that my sugar would plummet and rise at astonishing levels. One moment I would happily be at 65 and then two hours later my blood sugar was approaching 400. I did not have any of the other risk factors or common symptoms of diabetes and my A1C number (commonly used to assess diabetes) was within normal range. The AC number is based on an average of blood sugar over a certain period of time. Some people, like me for I instance have blood sugar that varies so vastly the A1C number will come out level. I tried to explain to my doctor that since I felt fine and my tests (with the exception of the finger pricks) were normal, that perhaps it was something else. Nope! She still prescribed medication.

One of the problems with diseases like diabetes is that they require a complete life style change. Reviewing the dietary recommendations and eating schedule showed that I would have to entirely revamp my life. Counting carbs and trying to keep counts on foods that were high in carbohydrates is painfully difficult. Staying away from certain foods that are considered my favorite was even harder. The first few weeks I found myself nervous and stressed out as it seemed I spent more time calculating things than living. Back to Louise Hayes I thought! Instead of calculating carbs I began calculating my life. Was I happy? Was I living to my full potential? Was I harboring ill feelings inside that were as old as me? I turned to mediation and Reiki to try and renew my inner resistance. Perhaps this is all some form of denial, but it was better than taking pills.

After 2 weeks on the medication I realized that the pills made me feel worse. Like most medications they came with side effects that seemed to off set the benefits. My sugar was stabilizing and I had fewer issues with the shakes or feelings of nervousness and hunger. But I was also very concerned that by simply medicating myself I would only mask some of the emotional causes of disease. Laziness set in and I came off the medicine. I quite stressing over what I ate and tried even more diligently to eat right. I skipped high carb foods and things with high sugar. I fit in just a little more exercise and probably most important took a hard look at my emotional connection to my life and body. I had a couple energy work sessions, performed my own energy renewal as best I could and decided that I would not allow diabetes in!

I figured that if I had to be one of those people facing diabetes I certainly had a choice. Two months later I still check my sugar a few times a day as directed. So far, all is well for me. However irresponsible this may look to the physicians who quickly prescribed me medication – I have vowed to take care of myself as best as I could for as long as it worked. I would certainly not allow myself to get ill just to keep from taking pharmaceutical cures. But I am better. Facing diabetes or any illness is always as much about our inner emotional and psychological health as it is about our bodies. When we care for our insides, our outsides have no choice but to follow along!

Am I diabetic? For now, I say NO! Doctors say absolutely! I realized that being diagnosed with something like diabetes or even cancer and other heavy sicknesses can make us sick. Once we allow ourselves to accept the diagnosis we become what we are told we are. We become sick. How many people die of cancer 2 months after being diagnosed when they had it for years and lived well? I figured if I spent my entire day calculating my life in accordance with the diagnosis then eventually I would become a full blown diabetic taking insulin shots and the whole nine yards. Some day – I still might have to and I realize that although I refuse to accept it. I find it irresponsible to simply accept illness and I spend more time training my body through my mind to level off my sugar without the medication.

Most important thing I learned from this is that in some slow and subconscious way I had lost my desire to see the sweet things in life. I had been so caught up in the movement of life’s moments that I was forgetting to be a part of them. Going through the motions of life without the smile, laughter, happiness and peace that I pride myself on had quickly caught up with me. Before I could be one of those millions of people facing diabetes, I had to be one of those people that was truly facing life with the best I had to give and get. In a confusing yet calculated sort of way (just like Diabetes) I am healing myself and becoming happier with each passing day. Don’t believe me? My morning finger pricks prove it!

As adults and especially as women we are constantly saying yes, yes, yes to every thing in effort to make sure that no one is disappointed and that we live up to some invisible expectations. Yes I will coach the softball team (event though I don’t really have time). Yes I would love to bake brownies for the school play (even though I cant cook), yes I will help you with your yard sale (even though my own house is a mess), Yes I will watch your kids (even though I have too many of my own) and Yes honey I will have sex with you tonight (even though that is the last thing you want to do). With all these yes’s we begin to say ‘yes’ out of habit when in reality we mean and affirm no in our hearts. The yes’s build up and add to our responsibilities and our growing feeling of dread about actually making it through yet another day of doing a thousand things that we don’t want to do. Welcome to adulthood, motherhood and womanhood! No thanks!

Even though women seem to be the ones who have forgotten the importance of saying no; men in their own way have a yes syndrome. They will do anything for and with a friend, co-worker or make counterpart because they just couldn’t tell them no (God forbid their buddies think the wife is in charge) yet passive aggressively they tell their wives ‘no’ all the time.

Some how through our values, virtues, morals or desire to be liked and accepted we have agreed in part that it is rude to say no. Just because someone is asking us to do something or go somewhere in no way means that turning down the offer is rude. Being honest about what we can handle and what we cant makes us responsible people. No matter what we do in life we have to leave room for taking care of ourselves. Saying yes to often takes all those fleeting moments that could be used for self therapy away and spreads ourselves even thinner than we already are. The importance of saying no is that by doing so we can save ourselves and our sanity. We can also save our yes’s for those things in life that truly resonate with us and that we truly want to do. There are plenty of opportunities in life for us to get stuck doing things e don’t want to. These come up every day. I don’t always want to drive my kids to school, of cook dinner and wash clothes. I don’t always want to watch cartoons or mow the grass. I don’t always want to be married or pay bills. Why add more to the list?

Another vital reason to recognize the importance of saying no is because by doing so; we can become even better at those things in life that we enjoy. By saying no we open up our schedules and minds to truly getting the most out of our life experience. It never feels good to feel bullied or pressured into doing something. It zaps the fun out of the experience from the beginning and in our minds we are constantly whining and complaining about having to do it. The solution – just say no. No can be polite and well intended and no can be the best answer. It may not be what your best friend, child’s teacher or boss wants to hear – but once you said it…the ordeal is over! The other benefit to learning to say no is that eventually people will quit asking you to do everything. When they realize that you will only do things you want to do and that saying no is no longer difficult for you to muster up, they will go and find the next wall flower to ask. These folks have you pegged, trust me! If a friend gets upset when we say no – they are in my opinion not much of a friend. No friend would intentionally lead or pressure someone they care about into doing something they just don’t want to do.

Not having the time, desire, inclination, ability or know how to do something is not rude behavior. If we are busy, we are busy. If we don’t have the money, we don’t have the money. If we don’t have the desire, we don’t have the desire. Say No! Saying no can save yourself from getting into a lot of ugly situations and even save your sanity at times. If we can tell our children no, we can tell anyone no.

For those of you who have difficulty doing it, I offer these strategies. In the beginning of your just say no war – try not to answer so quickly. If someone asks you to do something, tell them you have to check your schedule. This gets you off the immediate hook. Then go home and email them. This way you are not face to face and wont be pressured by all that silent but powerful body language. You won’t have to see the look on their face when they realize they must find another sucker. Email is non-confrontational and you can be as professional and kind as you like. Add a smiley face for emphasis. After you handle things this way for a while, either people will quit asking you or you will feel so good about your new found freedom – you will say no to all those pain in the rump things you don’t want to do. Another strategy is to say yes, and do whatever it is so poorly that no one would dare ask you again. This one is less mature, but much more fun.

The importance of saying no is that truly how we spend our life should be a reflection of our inner person. The intuitive, emotional thoughts that we think and feel are there for a reason. If your first gut instinct is to say ‘no’ then say NO! There will be plenty of opportunities in life to say ‘yes’ and they should be chosen by you. Everyone has to stand up for themselves or risk being walked on. Saying no is just one of the simple yet meaningful ways we begin to take our own needs seriously. By taking care of our selves we are enabled to offer others around us even more.

On a recent trip home from Sea World I was instructed to read the map quest directions backwards. Naturally, it didn’t work out. When I realized we were going the wrong way, instead of stopping and asking for directions – he decided that we should continue driving to see if he could figure it out. 24 miles in the wrong direction, he finally turned around. That same man, who loathes directions, follows them so precisely when cooking a pack of macaroni and cheese that we often end up eating hard noodles. Why, because the directions said to cook them 7 minutes. If the noodles aren’t done in 7 minutes then you keep cooking them until they are; no matter what and in spite of what the directions say. Nope! 7 minutes and we eat!

Needles to say, I have conferred with my friends. Are all husbands this crazy? Turns out they are. One husband I know aspires to earn enough money to wear a new pair of socks every day of the year. Aspires! Another only offers to help with laundry in return for sex. (Imagine how that is going) Another wont let his wife mow the grass because she doesn’t do it in straight lines. Many husbands I know think that foreplay is playing golf and then coming home to have sex. One friend’s husband won’t wait in any lines. He makes no exceptions and has come from the grocery store empty handed because after he shopped he found the lines too long. This list is endless.

Most husbands don’t even make their own doctors or hair cut appointments. Few that I know are able to watch the kids for any length of time and bunches more spend more time in the bathroom than their female counter parts. What are they doing in there? All of my friends and I have decided that it easier to go anywhere by ourselves with a car full of kids than it is to go with our husbands. You would think the extra adult would make it easier, but it doesn’t! My husband can’t watch a baseball game if the kids are in the living room, yet I work all day long in their midst. Do you really have to listen to baseball to know what’s going on?

From where I sit, husbands are a lot like one of the kids. I have yet to understand some of the things that mine does especially when the situations defy any sense of logic or reason. For a man who is so scheduled and organized, never able to do anything out of spontaneity he sure gets ready quick when his buddies come by on their motorcycles. Suddenly then, he is a daredevil flying by the seat of his pants. Yet I have to schedule a long weekend vacation or worse - a trip to my folk’s house months and months in advance. Still a week before, he will say this is the first he has heard of it. I wonder if he was just hoping I would forget. I have had many conversations about important matters that my husband claims to have never heard of and he is always saying that he is left out of the familial loop. Maybe I shouldn’t talk during baseball. I am curious about how many husbands are this way. Perhaps they are just not able to pay attention to something and think at the same time. Or perhaps all husbands are crazy!

It can seem that achieving something, anything rather can become tangled in the webs of our ever moving lives. Yet at the same time we spend a lot of time spinning our wheels. The trick to achieving something large or small is getting motivated to do it. Motivation is like any other feeling as it is different for everyone who feels it. Some lucky people are easily motivated by just a dream or thought of something better; while many others find it hard to dredge up the motivation to get out of bed every morning. Fortunately there are some tricks to kicking up your motivational energy into high gear so that even the most slovenly person can finally, yes finally, finish that looming task or truly meet their dreams in life!

Now days we frequently hear about life coaches. Among their many jobs that are supposed to enable fully grown adults to finally grow up is to spark motivation in people. Good news is that you don’t really need a life coach or a psychologist to get motivated. You need a vision, a goal, some excitement and a purpose. The most important factor above all others is the ability to be excited about something again. When boring adults become excited they are urged to move forward. It could be the vision of your dream coming to fruition that causes you such glee, or it could be the fact that finally you are doing something you have always wanted to do. It doesn’t matter why you feel it; just that you do. Being excited about our lives and the millions of opportunities that lie right outside our front door is the first step in getting motivated.

Even if you can’t clearly see the opportunity; you should be able to envision it. Think about all the things your mind can create. Think about all the power beheld by your very own imagination. Just because you are grown doesn’t mean that you have to set aside pretend play. In fact, imagining yourself in exactly the precise spot that you desire to be in will only help you get excited which will help you get motivated. When you decide on a goal – no matter what it is – try to be like a child and imagine it coming true. Allow yourself to experience all the awesome feelings of achievement and bask in the knowing that you can make a difference in your life.

Another helpful tool for getting motivated is to create a vision board. In essence, this is typical of something that you did in high school with your friends. You can cut and paste pictures, magazine articles, inspirational quotes, your own positive thoughts or whatever strikes you onto a canvas. Your vision board should be inclusive of all the things that you see for yourself in the future, all the things you want, all of your desires and culminate into a mini collage of your dream coming to fruition. Frame it if you like and keep it near your work space or on your fridge. The vision board is yours…and you should take ownership of it just as you take ownership of your goal. The point of these actions is to make your dreams real. Even if your dream is as simple as renovating the landscaping in your yard – you need to bring it to life. This will not only get you excited and give you a realistic view of your vision – but it will get you motivated to start working towards your goal. Be creative and allow your imagination to take the lead!

Another great tool to use when getting motivated to act is to take a long hard look at the life you have led. Then look forward 30-40 years and realistically see all the things that you want to add to it. Life is too short for regrets. Most of us, even now, can say for certain that there are things we would have liked to have done differently. We can assess opportunities in our lives where we wished we had acted. In most cases we simply did not have the motivation to do so. Imagine how different your life would be right now; had you adhered to that calling of your inner voice and took the leap of faith to dive head first into the pool of your dreams. This will convince you that there is no more time to waste and you have very little to lose by trying.

Getting motivated is often about believing in ourselves and believing that what we think, feel and dream about becoming are actually feasible. Every good thing in this world was born out of thought first. There is nothing – nothing in this world that didn’t sprout from thought first. The simplest and most complex things had to be thought of before they could be accomplished. From post-it notes to an IPod! Consider how this world would be if everyone was afraid to get excited or hold onto a vision or dream. We would have nothing, not a fork, car, school, home or road. Your thoughts are absolutely just as powerful and have the same ability to transform the world as did any inventor who has ever lived. Perhaps you won’t be inventing an incandescent bulb like Benjamin Franklin; but you will be reinventing your stagnant life into something more. You will be getting motivated to take the steps necessary to make all your dreams large and small become realities. Once they begin coming true you will be infused with the knowing that you can achieve anything you want and you be getting motivated to dream and set even more goals.

The age old phrase “reach for the moon, because even if you miss you will still be among the starts” are truly words to live by. There is no one in this world who couldn’t use a shiny little star to call their own!

Getting a vasectomy for my husband was not such an easy choice. Pretty much he was given the ultimatum to either get things taken care of, or take care of himself for eternity. A few months earlier when we brought our dogs in for neutering and they returned sore, tired and ball-less within a week he was completely convinced that the same would happen to him. I played along, lovingly of course – until finally he just asked the doctor if he would still have testicles once the procedure was through. Pretty funny if you ask me. (He found my withholding the truth mean and cold hearted). Hearing him tell the story I would have loved to been a fly on the wall just to see the doc’s face when my husband asked him if he would lose the ‘family jewels.’ Quite honestly those jewels had shined enough in their 14 years of marriage and the thought of no more pregnancies and therefore children was blissful music to my ears. Nothing more romantic than that!

Still, there were a couple things about getting a vasectomy that I didn’t completely understand. After he watched his 1970 videos that went through the entire procedure shot for shot, he was then given a prescription for Valium. Refillable twice. Come on, really? I didn’t get Valium before my pap smear (which is what I compare a vasectomy too), certainly wasn’t offered it before C-sections and most definitely wouldn’t find a doctor this side of the Atlantic willing to give it to me for the double root canal (without Novocain) I had to have while I was pregnant. Yet, a man gets Valium for a 15 minute in office procedure where the symptoms can be relieved with ice and Tylenol. Not only that, he gets a follow-up pill in case he needs it for the next day. Is this in case he becomes suddenly bi-polar and can’t take the stress of knowing that he no longer can produce offspring? I always thought that men were supposed to be the stronger sex. Stronger perhaps, but sissy’s indeed!

After getting a vasectomy, my husband - probably like most – laid around wincing and whining for a few days. He never did the ice thing because he didn’t think that ice and that particular part of his body went well together. Each morning he would show me the scars while he was in the shower so I could see first hand just what he went through. After a few weeks, there was minimal (if any) scarring yet he swore he could still feel where the doctor made his 1/8th inch incision. Me on the other hand had zigzag staple punctures across my lower abdomen that stretched the entire width of my body. Still no Valium. His stitches or should I say stitch fell out or disintegrated in a few days time - long before I was having staples pinched and pulled from my body. Still no Valium for me. He even got a few days off from work as heavy lifting was not recommended – yet after a C-Section we are expected, encouraged even to hold our newborn watermelons. With no Valium!

For some married couple getting a vasectomy is a no-brainer while others feel sad or emotionally torn about even considering the procedure. One thing I know for sure is that it definitely can improve your married sex life. It is hard to believe how nice it is to not have to worry about incidental things like pregnancy and child-rearing while in the midst of passion with your spouse. It is doubly nice to feel certain each month that you will get your period right on time and that if you don’t its more likely something medical posing the problem. You can go so far as to plan things for the future knowing that there will not be any more little surprises to completely throw you off track. When I knew for sure that my child rearing (or bearing) days were over for good there was a certain feeling of relief and contentment that swept over me. I have to say that my husband felt the same way. He no more wanted me to get pregnant again than I did – evident by his willingness to let a doctor mess around with what he (like most men) feels is their most important part of human anatomy. If they only knew? I think getting the vasectomy was actually easier for him than worrying about adding to a brood that was already one more larger than what we had ever planned.

The vasectomy thing has taught me a lot about my husband and men in general. I wondered afterwards if he had had a female doctor would she have been so liberal with her Valium doses. The worst part was that he ended up using both the Valium’s in just one day to calm his nerves before the procedure. Luckily his father went with him to do the driving before and after his appointment. I would have gone but my finger pointing, laughter and teasing about what would happen to him afterwards was getting on his last nerve so he opted for a manly companion who had been there done that! I suppose men can put it on their list of things to do with their fathers or buddies; but in reality it is one of the nicest things ever that they can do for their wife. Getting a vasectomy is definitely worth the Valium and the return of the sexy and naughty wife that they knew before they stated their marital vows.

Probably most people do try to look at the sunny side of life. Unfortunately, life caves in and all the turmoil’s, troubles, stress and discontentment flood the psyche, washing away all the opportunity to be positive. People become down trodden and self abusive in their mental chatter; assuming the worst and usually getting it. The vicious cycle of getting what we ask for seems to only further prove our idea that life truly is not always a positive thing! After all, how in the world can one remain positive when so many undoubtedly negative things keep happening? What if we are simply getting what we ask for? Sure, out right no one would ask for financial trouble or illness; but what if the non-positive thinking status of our mind is attracting to us that which we don’t want?

Let’s pretend for a moment that the metaphysical and new age theories of thought that essentially acclaim we are what we think and that our realities are created by our thoughts are true. Imagine it to be as true as it is that they sky is blue or that fish swim! Now take a look at your own life. Perhaps the negative thinking and mindless insults and insecurities we toss around in our own heads – the voice that tells us we can’t or won’t do something is the deciding factor in our fate. What if the reasons that we think so negatively or that our lives are a culmination of squashed dreams and deserted hopes is wholly the responsibility of our own thinking. Would you be willing to change your mind? Examine your language for one day. How many times do you say words inconotated by negativity like cant, wont, don’t, hate, don’t like, refuse, or NO? How many times do you begin to nod in disagreement before a statement or question is fully asked? How often do you expect the kids to act up, to not feel well, to be tired and stressed? How many times during a day do you think about failing, about not doing as well as you dreamed, about something you feel you have given up or a compromise in life that leaves you unsatisfied? Read those sentences a few times and even take the time to write your answers down. Keep track of your thoughts and actions for one day and you will surprise yourself at how much negative thinking you do.

The law of attraction says with Universal wisdom that that which we put our energy into is what we will be attracted to and what will be attracted to us. So if we constantly think, worry or are fearful about lack of money or sex- we are given exactly that. The most difficult part of the whole equation is that positive thinking is hard to implement. Perhaps we are afraid that by thinking positive, that by getting what we want, by seeing our lives as limitless cups that runneth over we will be perceived as selfish. Perhaps we learned along the road of life that somehow we must pay our dues or earn, toil and sacrifice in order to get what we want out of life. Somewhere in our lives we have given in to the fact that we must suffer to succeed. That we must put ourselves down or last in order to be worthy and giving. We have either been taught through our social graces that getting what we want is spoiled and greedy. So many of us try to think positive for a day or two at a time and are overwhelmed by guilt and quickly revert into the comfort zone of negativity. We cling to it like a leech to blood and refuse to give it up. Have you ever asked yourself why?

There are some theories. By thinking positive and expecting positive things and hardly even considering that things could go wrong we risk being disappointed. Depending on faith or belief we risk being fearful of being punished and deep down inside many of us actually feel unworthy of the positive thoughts necessary to transform our life. Humans change their minds all day every day. You might decide on McDonalds over Wendy’s. You might choose to go see one movie instead of another. Painless, quick and easy switches in our thinking. So we know we can do it. Yet, when it comes to the simplistic theory of changing our negative thoughts into positive thinking we resist. Like mules our heels dig into the ground and we fight against one of the innate, beautiful and inalienable right known to people – happiness! Positive thinking makes things happen and causes a shift in our lives unsurpassed by any thing or circumstance. Positive thinking is what changes our destiny and enables us to systematically and naturally manifest peace, happiness and joy. Positive thinking is the one thread in the quilt of life that never snags nor withers from stress. The point is we have to choose it above, beyond and over every thing else.

The bottom line is that the only way we can truly live the life intended for us, the one we secretly dream about in our solitary mind is to begin to think positive every day. Think positive about our jobs, our children, our future and our today. Certainly – some days will be better than others and all of us will have to find not just the will but to courage to think positive in all circumstances. We should be afraid not to expect the good but to assume the bad. We should worry more about the state of our lives when we resist the switch in our thinking so furtively that we refuse or ignore all the positive going on around us. You may not believe in the laws of attraction; but you don’t have to. You do have to believe in the power of your mind to make things happen. If you commit to staying stuck in the mud that is negative thinking; no matter what ideal you believe in – you will never get out. Positive thinking is not just seeing the glass half full- it is seeing the glass, the artisan who created it, the fluid inside, the plentiful well that fills it and the ability it has to thoroughly quench the desires and needs of your soul. All is always well!

While we are lucky if our clothes not only match but are clean as well, these mom’s seem to look like they just stepped out of a magazine ad. No mater where they go they are perfectly put together, evenly tanned and their hair obviously colored - never seems to show its roots. They can somehow fit into outfits that most of us long outgrew the desire for and can even show up at the spur of the moment right from the gym smelling like a rose and looking gracefully fit and slim. As soon as they come around, the rest of us start tugging at our own clothes and noticing the fact that we only got mascara on one eye. Even worse, some of them - if you actually get the courage to talk to them- are nice too! Must be a persona? What the hell? In our minds we imagine that they at least have dentures or pimples on their butt and perhaps are married to cheating jerks that treat them poorly -but probably none of that is true.

The yummy mommies seem to also pass it down to their kids. Whether they have girls or boys, their kids are the ones that are overly concerned about how they look and wear clothes from the most expensive designers around. We shop at Wal-Mart while they spend all their time ordering Abercrombie jeans (for kids) out of catalogs. Even worse, they forewent the minivan and got the most expensive convertible BMW they could find just to show off. Of course rather than put the top down and risk ruining their hair, they drive with the top and windows up. What a bunch of dummy’s. If we normal people had a car like that we would drive around bundled up in coats just to get a chance to put the top down. We imagine them to be stuck up and snobby, rich and pretentious and of course stupid. No one can look that good and be smart, right? They seem to strut around when they walk, as if they are just trying to show us other sweat pant wearing, no make-up moms just how sorry we actually are. Well, we got news for them!

Because they are the ones that are sorry. Obviously if they spend that much time working out and shopping for the latest fashions they must not be paying much attention to their kids, right? They must have some major personality flaw that makes them feel so compelled to be all dressed up and shiny for things like going on a field trip to the zoo. How dumb is that? Certainly they probably didn’t graduate high school and have married a man for all the money it looks like they have. Trophy wives! That’s what they are trophy wives who purposely and aggressively are setting out to make the rest of us look and feel bad. After all, with so little going for them (except their looks) they must be miserably jealous of us haggard housewives who do everything in our power to put our kids first. After all, we could all look like that with a makeover, massage, personal trainer, surgery and tons of money. We stand by the fact that it is more important to be real (boobs and all) and pay attention to the growing needs of our kids rather than our own growing waistlines and dwindling levels of self confidence. That’s what being mom is about right, sacrifice?

These yummy mommies have obviously not sacrificed anything. Our jealous and high schoolish behavior refuses to allow us to think for one moment that they are good at anything but looking good. We refuse to look beyond the way they look to see or understand that perhaps they are real mothers, real people- whose feelings are as soft as the rest of us. We look at them from across the room or across parking lots as if they are from a circus freak show. The point is that we are looking at them. Probably much more than they are looking at us and with much more intent.

Motherhood brings out the best and worst in us all! Yummy mom’s or the ones that have seemed to strike the perfect balance between being a mom and being a woman and in a silent way force us to reckon with our selves. What we long to be, what we lack, what we wish we had the time for or what we dream we could look like again. Truth is; we are all yummy mommies in some form or another. The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence and yummy or not, mom’s of all kinds are constantly taking notes and comparing pastures. The camaraderie of female companionship is often defeated by feelings of envy. We may grow up and move away from high school but something inside us keeps us locked in the thinking that what looks better, is! Nothing can be further from the truth. The beautiful thing about mother hood is it offers us a chance to mend our own thinking and become all we want to be and befriend all of those that are different from us. As we do this, we pass on our good qualities, teach and nurture each other into often surprising friendships; and teach our own daughters a new way! That’s what makes us all yummy mommies!

Blog by Stef Daniel

The first thing you have to do is develop thick skin early on. Try not to read everything there is about early pregnancy and keep away from all the facts and figures about how many women have a miscarriage. Yes, the risks are high! Little that healthy women do can make a difference in the outcome. Enjoy your changing body and listen to your inner voice. If something feels wrong then contact your doctor and force them to deal with you. The second thing to keep in mind is that if you have a miscarriage chances are there was a genetic defect in the fetus. As a woman who experienced several miscarriages I understand that this rarely, if ever makes us feel better - at first. Research indicates that around the 10 week mark of gestation the largest and most important genetic split occurs. This seems to correlate with the time that most women experience a miscarriage and is also the reason that physicians usually wait until this point to begin taking us seriously.

If you are one of the women who does experience a first trimester miscarriage, take heart! You are absolutely not alone! Dealing with a miscarriage is as much about dealing with the physical loss of your pregnancy as it about dealing with your emotional connection to your unborn child. This connection encompasses all your hopes, dreams and visions for the future and can take a long time to get over. Chances are high that although you will heal; you will never forget your miscarriage and that a part of you will always love and cherish the child you lost.

The world can be an insensitive place. Often times husbands, doctors and family members do not understand how you feel. They couldn’t possibly. Forgive them immediately. A miscarriage is a loss and just like a death it needs to be felt and somehow processed. As we process miscarriage it is easy to lose our faith, question our God, curse our luck and feel terribly jealous each and every time we see a pregnant woman or newborn baby. This is simply natural. Accept all the feelings that you feel and never be afraid to navigate through your emotions. Even if they take you somewhere you don’t want to go or induce a feeling that seems wrong; allow yourself to work through them. Otherwise you will never heal. After a miscarriage the goal is not to find solace in the fact that it happened but to find strength to go on. For many women, going on means having a successful pregnancy and for others it means snipping off that fertile side of themselves. Whichever works for you is right!

In the first trimester, a miscarriage can often go unnoticed. In a pregnancy that seems normal, where the heart beat is apparent and where no red flags are raised; a miscarriage can still happen. It doesn’t mean that we did something wrong, ate the wrong food, or didn’t take proper care of ourselves. A miscarriage is not about fault or failure. Most of these miscarriages don’t even physically hurt and can easily be so calm that a woman’s mind can begin to play tricks on her. I remember specifically, after one such miscarriage- I came home wondering if I was every really pregnant at all. I looked at the ultrasound pictures and the documentations of heart beat several times curious about whether or not I had just been dreaming. It was confusing and my OBGYN seemed unequipped to help. It isn’t that the medical world doesn’t understand how emotionally painful it is; it’s just that they see it so often they have become complacent. For them a miscarriage is an occupational hazard. For women, it is conflict in the heart.

Another thing that can help when we are dealing with a miscarriage is to find some sort of commemoration. For me, I planted a tree! Each spring the tree blooms and I imagine my unborn child reaching out to me through the flowers. The larger the tree gets, the more time I see that has passed. Although it doesn’t bring on tears or gut wrenching sobs anymore I do still feel a part of my miscarriage in who I am today. The tree allows me to never forget and somehow helped me to make the whole thing real. The miscarriage was so much more about life than death; and as the tree lives so do my feelings. Other people scrapbook the baby, write him or her a letter, make a small burial spot in a special place or use a piece of jewelry to keep them close. It doesn’t matter what we do or how we do it, the fact remains that no matter what a woman never forgets. Perhaps it isn’t about moving on as much as it is about accepting and learning whatever it was that child was meant to teach us.

People will also not know what to say. If they knew you were pregnant or if you were already showing they will for some reason think they have to say something. Most of what comes out of their mouths is unintentionally upsetting or only adding salt to the wound. You may feel like screaming at them or throwing a book in their face; that too is natural. Try to understand that these people care and that they are trying to help in the only way they know how.

A sometimes forgotten victim of a miscarriage is the father. They may not understand the hormonal changes or feelings that a woman goes through. They may not understand the reasons. They may not ask questions or do anything but hold your hand. They may just go on with life as normal. But they too are hurting. This is something that will strengthen the relationship you and your husband have. This is something that the father has to deal with as well. Like you – it will have to be dealt with in their own way, in their own time and with their own heart. It may seem like they too are complacent or uncaring, but more than likely they are trying to be strong. A miscarriage can scare many men away from fatherhood and sex and they may not be ready to discuss trying again for a long time. My husband didn’t discuss the miscarriage or having another baby until we passed the original due date. When I asked him about it, he said he felt like it was only right that this baby was able to live in his mind until her intended birth. Until that moment I never believed that a man could feel so much for an unborn child. He too is dealing with the miscarriage.

Being a woman is an incredibly awesome gift. Sometimes we complain about having our periods and having to shave. Sometimes we moan about cramps, menopause and bearing the pregnancy that brings us a child. When we think about what nature intended for our bodies and discover the absolute power and strength that is inside us; we have to form a higher level of appreciation and respect for ourselves. A miscarriage can make us feel like our body has failed us. It can make us wish we weren’t women so that we wouldn’t have to deal with this sort of pain. But it should also bring us to a place where we thoroughly understand the magic we behold. We create life. We may not do it on our own at first, but we grow it, nurture it and hold it inside us for a long time to bring it to fruition. Someone obviously trusts us to do so. There is something miraculously special about being a woman. If we are faced to deal with miscarriage in the hopes of bringing more life to this world, it is pivotal to not forget your blessings.

No woman wants to feel that they are simply replacing one baby with another. No woman comes home from a miscarriage without feeling implanted with fear or insecurity about what our future holds. This too is natural. The loss can end up teaching us and allowing us to truly respect and admire the birth of a child. Often we can take it for granted. We have to be able to reach a place that enables us to treasure the lives that come our way, no matter what form they take.

Looking back, dealing with a miscarriage was the hardest thing I ever had to face. I was caught in a world that seemed surreal and mean and had a hard time climbing back up. I questioned everything. I even tried to find reasons for why I was being ‘punished’ in this manner. In the end I can say I never truly understood it until the day I gave birth to my third child. The moment I looked at her I knew. The answers flooded to me in a sweep of human emotion that I never felt before. She had a birthmark on her shoulder and the moment I saw it I knew that I knew her! It explained all the why’s and gave me all the answers that I wanted so desperately to find. She was supposed to make her way into my life and quite probably would not have had I not suffered through a miscarriage. I understood in that moment, that most certainly there is a reason for everything in our lives. Often it is not about understanding the reason right away, but leaving yourself open to receive it. When we got home from the hospital, my tree was in bloom. The flowers were open and the leaves were green brilliantly glowing with life! My unborn baby was smiling with me from Heaven. Such is life!

The truth is that I knew it was coming. As soon as the kids started 5th grade, the local sheriffs department sends over a school resource officer who teaches them all about drugs, alcohol and tobacco. The thing is that although the program is useful in encouraging children not to drink they do nothing to teach kids the truth about responsible adults making choices that are neither negligent nor refutable. Yes, my husband drinks a few beers a week but he is a far cry from an alcoholic.

The questions stands out - is it appropriate to be drinking in front of the kids? What my kids learned about alcohol is that 2 beers make someone drunk. Then they were given those crazy glasses that give them the feeling of a drunken stupor and ask them to walk around the room. The children laugh and fall, crawl around on the floor and act like maniacs. This they are told is what being drunk (having 2 beers according to the curriculum) feels like. So now their poor daddy will have two beers and the kids freak out swearing that he can neither see them, hear them nor walk around in the yard. Driving a lawnmower is now dangerous and deadly. Even worse as we visited a Mexican restaurant recently, there sat their principal having a nice spicy meal with her husband accompanied by a chilled bottle of Miller Lite. You guessed it…alcoholic!

Every person that they see who smokes, who throws a bottle of red wine in their shopping cart is now according to 11 year olds an alcoholic. And they are bad, very very bad! Perhaps even more alarming is that kids are now convinced that these people are going to die because of their habits. I think that lying in a tanning bed or taking diet pills or even eating fast food every day contributes to as many deaths as alcohol and smoking. When I try to reason with them, they will hear nothing of it because this is what they learned at school. It is maddening. I truly believe that children should be made aware of the dangers associated with alcohol, drugs and smoking. But teaching it in such a tee totaler manner deprives children of comprehending what responsible drinking among mature adults is. I defend this and I am not even a drinker, although this class may turn me into one.

It is hard to say for sure if abstinence from alcohol and smoking in the home (wont even mention drugs because they are illegal) makes any difference in the predisposition of a child to turn to alcohol or abuse it. Plenty of people from parents who never had alcohol around turn into drunken losers in high school and college unable to control their binges. Plenty of kids where beer and wine are mainstays in the home do the same. Collectively speaking however, it makes sense that by allowing children to see responsible adults who make wise decisions in life be able to have a margarita, glass of wine, the occasional cigar or cold glass of beer gives children the perception that drinking is not an all or nothing endeavor. It shows them that once they are of age, they are given the opportunity to make this decision for themselves and control their own behavior in the process. If mom and dad and the neighbors can drink a beer, maintain their jobs and sustain a normal life then it shows them what responsible drinking really is. If alcohol is treated like the forbidden fruit then at some point children will wonder what it is they are being kept away from so desperately; and it will be more fuel to try it if for nothing else to rebel against their folks.

Drinking in front of the kids in a manner which doesn’t disrupt life (we are not talking Jerry Springer drinking here) shows kids that there is a difference between a drunk and someone who is simply having a drink. Just because someone drinks does not make them a drunk any more than swimming can turn someone into a fish. Perhaps the lesson should be geared toward dependency, depression, addiction, illegal substances and other things that will help children want to be responsible teens. Perhaps the lesson should show them what it feels like to score a winning goal, make it into college, ride a horse, climb a mountain- something, anything but show them what it feels like to be drunk! What if a child in that class actually liked that feeling?

So not only do kids who take this class think a bunch of people are going to die abruptly, that they are alcoholics or addicts, it also shakes the family foundation at home if there is a person who drinks in moderation there. They actually encourage the kids to tell a teacher if a parent of caregiver drinks in their presence. Is that illegal now, to have a glass of wine at dinner? Do kids now have the right or insight to be able to decide who can or should drink? Isn’t that what the drinking age implies? Are the reins being handed over to our children? Isn’t there some other way to handle this that doesn’t make kids feel insecure in their life or worry that someone they love is a pathetic loser alcoholic or on the verge of death because they smoke a cigarette?

“Daddy is an alcoholic!” I kept on driving trying very hard to make it to school without exploding. I explained to them best I could that their father was in fact not an alcoholic. Growing up with one myself I clearly knew the difference and understood the ramifications of drinking in excess. We approached the red light at their school just as the school resource officer did. As I was discussing the truth about addiction and drug and alcohol abuse and the truth about drinking I looked out the window and saw this cop with a flaming cigarette perched out of the corner of her mouth. Hypocrisy! One of my daughters also noticed and plainly and succinctly stated that she is going to die soon. When I asked her why, she said because she smokes. She slammed the door on the minivan and walked into school smiling.

In a few years this conversation will likely rear its ugly face again but in a totally different context. When they wonder why daddy can have a beer or why it’s okay for the cop to smoke and they cant I will say with confidence and simplicity that it is because these people are adults - totally entitled to their own responsible decision regarding their life and that she is still a child, my child. I will not blame drinking in front of the kids or the police officer who smoked in front of the kids for leading them down this path. I expect children to develop independent thought at some point. That being said, I drove home hoping that the principal in charge of my child’s school was not suffering from hangover after one to many beers at the Mexican restaurant the night before, because after all according to my kids- she too is an alcoholic! I wonder if she knows!

The TV has become a babysitter for busy parents. Kids are content to spend hours watching absurd programs without complaint while the parents make dinner, clean the house and do the laundry. In the United States, kids watch an average of four hours of TV a day – that is double the recommended amount by the American Academy of Pediatrics. That is a lot of TV! Consider that children in grade one through twelve are only in school learning for an average of five hours a day, they spend almost as much time in front of the mindless TV as they do in front of a teacher.

You can pull your children away from the clutches of the TV with a bit of planning and setting the tone of television watching as a reward, not an expectation.

• First, rearrange your house. Take the TVs out of their bedrooms, away from the kitchen and dining room tables and into one centralized play area where you can keep an eye on what they are watching. Next, unplug the cable or satellite connection to that TV and connect the old VCR or, easier, the DVD player. Now you have control over what they watch. Now, in either your office or bedroom, hook a DVD recorder (or another VCR) onto the TV and begin recording the educational television shows your children enjoy. They can now watch these shows in their playroom for a couple of hours a day.
• In that same playroom put games, puzzles, a drawing table with coloring books and paper, books and kid’s magazines so they have alternatives to the TV.
• Guaranteed, you are going to get complaints about them missing their favorite shows though and you do not want them to see this new TV routine as a punishment. Let them know that if they finish their chores and homework, they can watch what they like (within reason) for a specific amount of time on the TV in your bedroom or office. Make them realize they must earn the right however -TV is a privilege now and also, because they are in your bedroom or office, they also must behave themselves because if they do not, the privilege is revoked immediately
• Try a ban on watching TV during the week or every other day. This will help foster hobbies outside of the TV that may become regular activities.
• Watch TV with your children. Pick TV shows that are appropriate for their ages that also interest you and spend the time with them.
• Talk to them about what it is they want to watch and why. Watch some of the shows with them so that you know exactly what is filling their little heads and discuss the show with them afterwards.
• Last, try to avoid TV shows that have a running storyline through them as this can become a bit of an addiction – we have all been glued to season finales that kept us hooked on the show until next season (who remembers ‘who shot JR? The hype throughout the summer on that one was ridiculous! Thankfully kids shows do not have that level of ‘cliffhanger’ ever!).

However, the most important thing is setting a good example. If they see you watching TV constantly or the TV on while you are doing chores, they will pick up the same habit. Many of us catch up on news while making dinner which is fine, that is relevant information but once it is over, turn the TV off and leave it off. If you want to relax after dinner, go for a walk with the kids, grab a good book or pull out a jigsaw puzzle. Do something other then vegetating in front of the television – you will be happier for it at the end of the day.