Making marriage work…hmmm…a tough one, if we may say so. We say that only because it is a much harder job to make a union work. It is much easier to let a marriage fail either because there’s too much anger and bitterness in the relationship or the partners aren’t willing to continue with someone who has stopped being the person they first married.

Marriage itself is a dynamic interplay of forces. It is one “hell of an affair” – pardon the expression - to sustain, fix and nurture. It’s a two way street, a bilateral treaty that requires the consent and signatures of both parties, not just one. Otherwise making a marriage work with the efforts of a solo spouse can be a very lonely tango dance.

Making Marriage Work: Looking into Why It Isn’t Working

Before we look at ways on making marriage work, perhaps it’s a good idea to first look at some reasons why a marriage isn’t working. That way, we’ll have a foundation to build on for making it work!

• High expectations – some individuals tend to bring over their romantic notions of love and marriage into adulthood. These notions are reinforced by Hollywood images perpetuated by the media. There is a certain lack of maturity when we refuse to accept the fact that expectations – especially high expectations – could lead to disappointment and frustration. Cinderella and Prince Charming are perfect models, but this is the 21st century and these personalities are best relegated to the archives. When we think that our future husband is such an impeccable prince charming with hardly any flaws – and then three years after the marriage he turns out to be the king of slobs, how will we cope? The same goes for men. If they think their Cinderella will stay home and keep house and cook lovely meals and raise wholesome kids, they could be surprised later in the marriage when she says she’s bored being a stay-at-home mom and decides she wants a career. How would a traditional-thinking male react to this?

There is one lesson worth keeping at the back of our minds: there is no such thing as the perfect partner. Therefore, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage.

• Money issues – we never understood why some spouses would never discuss money matters right at the beginning of a relationship. True, money is taboo (along with sex and politics), but it is NOT so between two married people who will have to figure out what kind of budget is required by the union.

Sadly, we still hear of cases where women are content letting their husbands handle the money. We’ve even witnessed cases of a few of our colleagues who turn over their entire paycheck to their husbands and are happy just receiving an allowance.

When both husband and wife work, they each have a right to know where and how their salaries are being spent. Husbands and wives should take a day or two to discuss finances as soon as they come back from a honeymoon. Why wait for a large debt burden to knock their socks off before they put their thinking caps on?

If husbands are uncomfortable about their wives spending the family income on shoes and bags, or if wives are concerned that their husbands are spending too much on expensive wine or the latest techno gizmos, they should speak up. It’s always good to communicate your feelings early on in the marriage – not later when the troubles are brewing and hovering at the boiling point.

• Stress – ah, we now come to the most excruciating illness that modern societies have to put up with. Humans, however, have the option to succumb to stress or to manage it. Husbands and wives who strive for a smart marriage will recognize the sources of their stress and do whatever they can to circumvent them in an effort to diminish the stress. Too much stress clouds one’s thinking and hampers a person’s ability to make things work.

Which brings us to another aspect: if husbands and wives could play together – find a sport or activity that they both enjoy, this could avert any potential stress, or at least help them manage stress better.

Some sources of stress in the marriage include children and their problems, mortgage and other financial issues, in-laws, working too hard, insufficient “we-time”, long absences of one spouse due to business travel, illness, and irreconcilable differences (different attitudes on different issues).

Willingness in Making Marriage Work

The willingness on the part of both husband and wife to making their marriage work is already a battle half won. Instead of constant arguments and reprimands, partners prefer to sit down and sort out their differences calmly, minus the emotional ingredient. As in politics, when there’s a willingness to negotiate, the chances of success at bridging international relations and diplomacy are higher. The same applies to marriages.

Husband and wife can definitely work at making their marriages work – to show the whole world that their marriage was indeed made in heaven, a marriage where angels don’t fear to tread because there’s harmony and happiness, not strife and angst.

What steps can we take to making marriage work? A thousand and one tips are out there for the asking, but partners can choose what suits them best. Tips don’t necessarily work for all marriage situations, but if we look hard enough, we’re bound to find something that will match our temperament and lifestyle.

Here are a few ideas –

• “You like sushi, I like steak. I’ll have sushi with you this weekend as long as we have steak next weekend” – we don’t need to spell this out in great detail, but we’re harping on the spirit of accommodation here. Give and take. This spirit of accommodation can extend to many potential sources of your conflict. It encompasses money, love, sex, vacations and the entire gamut of concerns that husbands and wives need to discuss;
• Sugar and spice and everything nice – whether you’ve been married three years or thirty three years, you can still give your old tired romance a fresh twist. There’s a ton of literature that tells you how to bring spice back into the marriage when it gets bland. Or when to add sugar when it gets too salty. If you used to enjoy drive-in movies when you were dating, how about going to one now? There may not be too many left around, but if you go for a long drive, you’re likely to find one. Another suggestion is the old-fashioned flowers and chocolate surprise. Pick an ordinary day (not a special occasion) and come home with Godiva on one arm and roses on the other. Flowers and chocolate are also the ideal replacements for a spoken apology; that is, if you’re too shy to say “I’m sorry.” Or you could drop in your hubby’s office and hand him a GPS device – or whatever it is he’s been wanting to have for a long time.
• Listening – so few of us make good listeners, but making an attempt to listen to your spouse will go a long way in smoothing out differences. We do enough listening on the job and when we come home, we welcome the chance to tune out and sign off and just vegetate for a few hours. But if your spouse has something important to say, you’ll have to turn your antenna back on. It’s a small price to pay for what lie at the core of successful marriages: compassion and understanding.

Making marriage work is a monumental task. But it sure beats going through divorce courts, haggling with attorneys on assets and liabilities, custody battles, and dealing with the unsettling and sometimes disastrous effects on young children.

It will help tremendously if we look back to our wedding day and reflect on those beautiful vows and the commitment we made in front of witnesses. Why let a marriage fall through the cracks when it’s so much better to make it stand on solid ground?