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User Rank: Moderator
Joined: 9/24/2008
Posts: 275
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Let's get this section going, guys. With the economy on the brink and all the sad news in the papers (and I'm not just talking obituaries), we could use a joke or two. How about it? If you pick up a joke from cyberspace or a book, please cite your source. But nothing is stopping you from inventing one. 
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User Rank: Intermediate
Joined: 10/3/2008
Posts: 125
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I think one of the funniest people on the planet is Steven Wright. Here is one of his quotes: "Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film."
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User Rank: Newbie
Joined: 10/3/2008
Posts: 77
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Just YouTube Sarah Palin and you are all set with the comedy...
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User Rank: Intermediate
Joined: 10/3/2008
Posts: 125
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Here's one I received by email yesterday: Fred was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was REALLY angry.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a
gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6
seconds AND IT BETTER BETHERE!!!"
The next morning Fred got up early and left for work. When
his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough
there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put onher robe and ran out to the
driveway, and brought the box back in thehouse. She opened
it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Fred has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
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User Rank: Newbie
Joined: 10/7/2008
Posts: 30
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LOL!! Poor Fred... I know where he is, he's hiding in the doghouse.  Here's one our pastor told during a sermon: "My husband has bought me a mood ring so that he can always know what mood I am in. When I am happy, the gemstone in the ring is green. And when I am mad, there is a red spot exactly the same shape as the gemstone right in the middle of my husband's forehead."
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User Rank: Newbie
Joined: 10/6/2008
Posts: 54
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Those are funny!
Here's one I got this morning.
Due to today's rapidly changing stock market and the financial
conditions in industry, the following terms have had to be revised for
investors in order to more clearly reflect today's economic marketplace:
CEO : chief embezzlement officer.
CFO : corporate fraud officer.
BULL MARKET : A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET : A 6-to-18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the
wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING : The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO : The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
Market keeps crashing.
BROKER : What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR : Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST : Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT : When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER : A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION : The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW : The movement your money makes as it disappears down the
toilet.
YAHOO : What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per
share.
WINDOWS 2000 : What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought
Yahoo at $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR : Past year investor who's now locked up in a
nuthouse.
PROFIT : an archaic word no longer in use.
--
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User Rank: Newbie
Joined: 10/6/2008
Posts: 54
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Hello!!! Anyone out there? Wow, this is a really tough room!!! Madison 
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Madison, I liked the new definitions. Keep it up. Here's my contribution: "A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's - that's because she changes it more often." (Oliver Herford). And here's another quote from Woody Allen: "My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
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User Rank: Intermediate
Joined: 10/3/2008
Posts: 125
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Here are some more Steven Wright quotes: All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
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User Rank: Newbie
Joined: 10/6/2008
Posts: 54
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Babs & Elaine,
Those are good! Woody Allen is hysterical; just don't look at his personal life!
By the way, The New Definitions were not created by me, they arrived as most everything else does, by email to me.
I could swear I've seen them before...maybe in 2000, just about the time of the tech bust...ring any bells????
Madison
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User Rank: Moderator
Joined: 9/24/2008
Posts: 275
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Saw this. It's from Saki: "Their eldest son was such a disappointment to them; they wanted him to be a linguist, and spent no end of money on having him taught to speak - oh, dozens of languages! And then he became a Trappist Monk.
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User Rank: Intermediate
Joined: 10/3/2008
Posts: 125
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HMSROTFL (Holding My Sides Rolling On the Floor Laughing!)
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User Rank: Moderator
Joined: 9/24/2008
Posts: 275
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Glad you liked that Elaine:
I've got more:
"Man is not born free, he is attached to his mother by a cord and is not capable of looking after himself for at least seven years (seventy in some cases)." (Katharine Whitehorn).
Sorry guys. 
"The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson." (Woody Allen)
"Isn't it funny how everyone in favor of abortion has already been born?" (Patrick Murray).
"I love mankind - it's people I can't stand." (Charles Schultz)
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And here are two: "Dear Reader's Digest: we hardly know each other, yet I have been selected from so many millions to enter your free contest in which I may win $38,000. You have made me very happy." (Miles Kington) "Statistics indicate that as a result of overwork, modern executives are dropping like flies on the nation's golf courses." (Ira Wallach)
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User Rank: Intermediate
Joined: 10/3/2008
Posts: 125
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Received this in an email: They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m . Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now
NEAREST RELATIVE.7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
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User Rank: Moderator
Joined: 9/24/2008
Posts: 275
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Here's one from George Moore: "Don't touch a woman's knee at the dinner table; she has an instinctive knowledge whether a man who touches her knee is caressing her or only wiping his greasy fingers on her stocking."
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"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't the guts to bite people themselves." (August Strindberg)
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User Rank: Newbie
Joined: 10/6/2008
Posts: 54
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Those are all very funny:
Sometimes reality is very funny:
True story. We were in need of a part time assistant and were hoping to train her/him to move on to an exec admin position. So we hired a friend of one of the Junior Brokers.
We figured he could handle the filing, etc. The morning that he filled-out the company's simple application as a matter of protocol, the office clerical manager called me laughing. She told me that I had to come up and see this guy's application.
When I looked at it, it seemed ok, up to the part where the application asked for "number to call in case of emergency." He seriously wrote, "911" The office manager looked at me, tears in her eyes, shrugged her shoulders and said, "I guess he thought it was the TEST portion of the application!"
Cute kid but you can't fix stupid!
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User Rank: Intermediate
Joined: 10/3/2008
Posts: 125
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That's great Madison! You're right, reality can be hilarious. Our teenager is constantly texting her friends and has even taken to talking in "text speak." Instead of "oh my gosh" we get "OMG" and instead of "I don't know," it's "IDK." The other day I was talking to her about whether or not her friends were on their way over. She replied, "IDK," to which I replied, "Well you could ASK." She stopped everything, stared at me for a moment, and responded, "What does that stand for?" She figured it out after I started laughing hysterically.
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User Rank: Moderator
Joined: 9/24/2008
Posts: 275
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Madison, I loved that story. 911, right!
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User Rank: Intermediate
Joined: 10/3/2008
Posts: 125
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I received this one by email today: Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!' Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'
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I think I read that joke before, Elaine. Ha-ha. Here's one from Phyllis Diller (remember her?) "We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next 12 years telling them to sit down and shut up."
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User Rank: Intermediate
Joined: 10/3/2008
Posts: 125
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It's not only funny, but TRUE!
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User Rank: Moderator
Joined: 9/24/2008
Posts: 275
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Here's some British wit: "When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with somebody else." (David Pryce-Jones)
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User Rank: Moderator
Joined: 9/24/2008
Posts: 275
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Hey, folks, we need more jokes. Here's one more: "Probably the only place where a man can feel really secure is in a maximum security prison, except for the imminent threat of release." (Germaine Greer)
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Did this thread go on sabbatical, folks? OK, OK, open your treasure chests and share those oldies but goodies. Or invent one from your fertile imagination!
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Does anyone else find "The Big Bang Theory" as funny as I do? Not the origin of the universe but the TV show! So many sit coms are SO BAD you wonder if they actually hired any writers but Big Bang is so well written, and the actors are so good. We all need to laugh and this one's guaranteed to make you laugh!
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I only watch a handful of TV shows but I do like Big Bang. The one actor, the lead genius, has won the best actor award in the past at the Emmy's. I like Two and a half men. I made the mistake of turning my mom on to that one and now she's hooked. She TIVO's it and watches the past shows every night! Too bad Charlie Sheen is such a mess; his show is really good!
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If we want to get silly, we shouldn't miss the easy shot at country music! Funniest country lyrics. Here are a couple of my favorites:
Jesus Loves you But I don't
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth I'm Kissing you Goodbye John Denver, believe it or not! True.
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User Rank: Newbie
Joined: 3/12/2011
Posts: 8
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I love Country Music; it makes me crack up and the cowboys are hot! Here's more favorites:
My favorite verse because I definitely don't do windows!
I'm pretty good at drinkin' beer:
I aint much for mowin thick grass
I'm too slow for workin' too fast
I don't do windows so honey don't ask
But I'm pretty good at drinkin' beer
Ha, can we relate?
How 'bout, "I'm gonna hire a wino to decorate our house"
"I'm gonna' hire a wino to decorate our home,
"So you'll feel more at ease here, and you won't have to roam.
"We'll take out the dining room table, and put a bar along that wall.
"And a neon sign, to point the way, to our bathroom down the hall."
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User Rank: Newbie
Joined: 4/1/2011
Posts: 1
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Steven Wright on dogs
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he's gone.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
Question and answer animal jokes
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
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