Married Sex! What is “Normal?”

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You hear it all the time. People complaining because while their pre-marital sex life was fantastic, their post-marital sex is sort of ‘okay,’ to put it nicely. Is there some sort of physiological connection between the placement of the wedding ring and the lack of sex?

For many couples dissatisfied with their sex life, they feel as though they are an anomaly of sorts. They worry that something is wrong with their relationship, with them – or with their spouse. They are curious, especially when hearing stories about all the creative ways that others create intimacy in their marriage – why there’s cannot be that way. And you would think that with marriage, some sort of relaxed fever would hit that would enable couples to be more open and honest, more experimental and definitely more wild when it comes to their sexual acts. After all, they are married now – the sex part ‘should,’ be a no-brainer, right? Wrong!

Sadly, there is quite a bit of misinformation floating around that makes married people in unsatisfactory sexual relationships feel like they are doing something wrong. When the truth is that sexual intimacy seems to show a sort of steady decline in the years after marriage. In a Kinsey Institute research study that polled thousands of married people from all different age groups and demographics, the following facts were proven to be normal aspects of marital sex.

  • On average between 4 and 10% of all married couples have not had sex in one year.
  • Around 50% of couples have sex an average of ‘a few’ (meaning 3 or less) times per month after the second year of marriage.
  • Only 3.7% of married couples have sex 4 or more times PER WEEK.
  • Less than 2% of married couples engage in oral sex together after the second year of marriage more than 3 times every 3 months.

The Durex Sex survey, goes into even more detail. This study showed that around 12% of married couples sleep in different beds, and that 84% of married women have sex with their husband simply to get them to do more chores around the home. 58% of married women say they have faked an orgasm with their husband on many occasions – and around 29% say they have never had a real orgasm while having sex with their husband. Another interesting statistic is that the average person has sex 127 times per year – while a married couples has sex an average of 48 times per year.

What stands out the most is a statement made by the sociologists behind the Durex Sex Survey which states:

Mutual respect plays a vital role in a satisfying sex life. Eighty two per cent of us who are sexually satisfied say they feel respected by our partner during sex. Thirty nine per cent are looking for more love and romance, 36% would like more quality time alone with their partner, 31% would like more fun and better communication and intimacy with their partner and 29% a higher sex drive. Thirty seven per cent want to feel less stressed out and tired." 

In so many ways, the details of the married sex life are one of life’s greatest mysteries. Probably because couples stop talking about sex, and definitely don’t want to talk about sex with their friends and family. But what resonates true with a great deal of married folks is that the sex life isn’t quite what they expected. Today, one in five marriages is completely sexless and one of the leading complaints of couples headed to divorce is a mismatched level of sexual desire. And as you may know, sexual desire is completely tipped on and off by many factors.

When a couple gets married, they are suddenly inundated with responsibilities and pressures from the world around them that are often amiss when they are dating. And although marriage should bring some sort of comfort level and security – the truth is that a malady of negative emotions, such as stress, resentment, anger, jealousy and just plain being tired – seem to take away from the sex drive.

Even worse, is that when couples get married there is a consistent aura of ‘not trying anymore,’ that makes couples less interested in pleasing one another. Suffice it to say that the battle is already won, and so both men and women become completely complacent when it comes to the sexual needs of their spouse. Or maybe they are just so darn tired.

The question posed by the title however, is Marital Sex, what is normal? For instance, is it normal for married couples to be having anal sex? (Whatever normal really is) Are married people just plain old, lazy, and non-creative in the bedroom, or do certain things become taboo, unmentionables so to speak? Certainly, you would never imagine June and Ward Cleaver doing it ‘doggie style,’ but does that mean that you and your partner shouldn’t?

Let’s start with porn. Men love it. Probably men love it because it’s all staged and fake. Heck, even the boobs aren’t real – and women certainly know that those penises aren’t either. But how many couples watch porn together. (Which to be honest is much better than watching porn or reading porn magazines alone, right) Statistics show that around 20% of married couples watch porn together for arousal purposes. The problem is that many people become guarded after marriage while watching porn. Let’s face it, porn can be a good way to get the sexual juices flowing, and it is best if you keep it balanced, and stay real. Porn is for entertainment, but if can help your man maintain an erection and give you some ideas about how to get started – then there really is nothing wrong with it. If it makes you uncomfortable, then try something else, or softer porn. But honestly, if one in five couples have or do watch porn together – you might be surprised how well it works for you. Is it normal within marriages? Jury is still out on that one.

Another thing to consider is how well men and women take care of themselves ‘down yonder.’ Remember when you weren’t opposed to shaving your partners initial in your pubic area, or going completely bald to impress one another. Far too many married couples ignore small details of erotica like this once they get married. And, rest assured – nobody….not man or women….wants to tread through a forest to find your genitals.

What about anal sex in marriage? Is it considered normal? According to the Durex Survey, around 43% of all married couples have tried or had anal sex. That’s almost half, which sort of seems to say that the curiosity of it is common, if not normal. Does this mean you do it every day, or prefer it to vaginal sex? Not necessarily. But let’s understand that you are married now – and you don’t know what you do or don’t like until you try it – so you might want to at least try it!

How many married couples use sex toys? According to surveys and polls, not many. But according to sales and revenues from sex toys companies and online companies….ALOT! Listen, every couple needs a little help from time to time, and if so many women are not having orgasms with their husband, what’s wrong with introducing a vibrator to get it done??? Normal? Would have to say yes – but a lot of people are ashamed and hiding their fetishes for sex toys in the bedroom.

And what about foreplay? You hear a lot of women these days complain about foreplay. It takes too much time to switch hats from Mama Bear to the roaring sexual lion but the men in their life just aren’t interested in foreplay. Of course, there is a lot of promotion taunting foreplay in a marriage to show you care, and to sort of open up the sexual mood. But let’s be real – most married couples, especially those with kids have like 5.6 minutes to get the whole sex act completed. Foreplay??? Don’t expect too much once you get married. If it happens, great – but if not, just be happy you aren’t in a sexless marriage.

Orgasms. Do married people have them? Good news is that it’s easy to tell if a man has one or not. Because once they do, they are pretty much done. But it’s not that cut and dry for a woman. And plus, she can be a professional at faking orgasms and the man in her life wont have a clue. If she has ‘doing the dishes’ on her mind, she will more than likely fake an orgasm – or allow a man to have his and then move on. After all, orgasm or not, it still counts toward the sex count, right?

Another thing to consider about normal sex in marriage is the fact that after you have spent a century with someone – it’s harder to keep that attraction and imagination alive. So it’s only normal that after time, couples become less attracted to one another. Sure, no one admits this because it would mean they are a shallow asshole – but human nature says it happens. Of course, we are not attracted to one another after two decades. The mystery is over, and what is left is routine. Just be glad the two of you are still having sex at all.

The funny thing is that there are always going to be stories about sexually crazed couples who swing – or who are so in love and so exploratory with their sex life that you will be filled with jealousy and rage, thinking that your mundane life of missionary style sex, with the clothes on, once or twice a week (or month) without kissing (because you haven’t brushed your teeth) signals there is something wrong with your marriage. But the reality is that what you are experiencing in the bedroom (or what you are not experiencing in the bedroom) is what’s normal. Its those other married folks that are either lying or delusional that ARENT NORMAL. Good for them, right? But don’t worry – chances are you fit cleanly into some of the aforementioned statistics which signals that your married sex life, albeit boring and routine….is at least NORMAL. So hooray for normal! (Well, maybe not in this case)

Bottom line! If you are unhappy – speak up. If you want to try something new, ask. If you aren’t having an orgasm, teach your partner how to give you one! If you are totally content having sex on your birthdays and anniversaries…then keep your mouth shut and enjoy it until a problem arises. You are likely much, much more ‘normal’ than you think!

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