If we could tell you with 100% accuracy why men lie about cheating, we’d be an expert on the male psyche. We’re not.
We believe it was Gordon Lightfoot who wrote,
“If you could read my mind, love,
What a tale my thoughts could tell.
Just like an old time movie,
‘Bout a ghost from a wishin’ well…”
While we don’t claim to know the essence of a male, we’ve worked and played with them all our life that we think we can identify the reasons why they lie about cheating – or why they keep ghosts in their closets. Some frustrated women will even go to the extent of saying that men lie, period. Not just about cheating but also about everything else.
We’ll venture some educated guesses:
- relationship with parents – when a boy grows up in a home atmosphere where his parents demand that he excel in everything he does – academics, sports, community service – there comes a time when he is saturated and feels that a white lie wouldn’t hurt once in a while. “Professor Roberts loved my essay, dad”; “I scored a home run today, mom”; “yes, I called Mrs. James’ daughter. I’ll ask her out on a date soon.” Pleasing his parents can be a considerable source of pressure for a young lad who is struggling with his own identity and at the same time living up to the expectations of his folks. His own parents may be prominent citizens or accomplished individuals in the arts, sciences or in business, and he feels that he’s an extension of them. When he plays the part and has to complement his parents’ image, he will, once in awhile, seek escape and utter a lie, so as not to displease them. This is repeated in his marriage. Sometimes he may find it difficult to live up to his wife’s expectations and will realize that it’s sometimes good to lie to keep the peace.
- reputation to protect – when a man feels that he is looked up to by colleagues, friends, neighbors and by his own family, he will feel compelled to cover up any behavior that is perceived to be unacceptable or wrong. Why ruin a reputation that he’s taken years to build? Why not let his co-workers continue believing that he’s a faithful husband and loving father?
- avoidance of confrontation –some men would do anything to avoid a confrontation with their wives. There is no point having a huge drama at home and dealing with a hysterical wife who won’t listen to reason. Men will deliberately lie about cheating to avoid the third degree and a messy predicament if they’re caught.
- fun and enjoyment – some men are natural skirt chasers. They are perpetual admirers of the female silhouette. They enjoy the company of other women but don’t necessarily want to leave their wife. Some like to play around – it doesn’t mean they want a divorce or they’re unhappy. In fact some men who cheat actually love their wives very much and would not dream of living the rest of their days without them. But a little infidelity breaks the monotony of a marriage…plus there’s something exciting – the adrenalin boost – about playing hookey.
- desire not to take the blame – some men are aware that if their wives ever caught them cheating, they would file for a divorce. If their cheating can be proven, lawyers and judges would penalize them and throw them to the cleaners. Why admit that they cheated? They could end up losing the divorce battle, paying more.
- chronic lying – some, NOT all men are chronic liars. They’ll lie about everything – how much they make, how good they are at their jobs, and how much they love their families. They’re experts at flattery (“nice dress, it highlights your curves, sweetheart”) and have no qualms about uttering a lie, no matter how brazen that lie is. They’re con men disguised in fine haberdashery. They’re the type who’ll say anything as a means to an end. Cheating? They’re good at it but will never admit it. Lying is ingrained deep in their character.
When Men Lie About Cheating – Telltale Signs
Women are good at sniffing. They possess an undefined instinct for detecting a lie, white or not. They’re particularly sensitive to men who lie about cheating because that’s one of the “occupational hazards” that comes with saying “I do.” If you confront your spouse and he insists that he never cheats and would never dream of cheating on you – then don’t push it. There’s no point starting a fight. But if you have the slightest suspicion, be vigilant for telltale signs. There are good reasons for remaining silent. You know the saying, “silence is golden.” You can keep track of his infidelities and use them later should you end up in divorce court.
- unexplained disappearances – you’re at a party and your husband disappears for a few minutes. He’s not mingling with the guests. He’s in some room upstairs in the house or behind the bushes making a phone call;
- sudden business trips where he can’t be reached – why does he insist on “don’t call me, I’ll call you? Why does he conveniently “forget” to tell you what hotel he’s staying in? Why can’t his secretary tell you?
- charges on his credit card – there’s a $250.00 charge for a gold bracelet from a jewellery store. How come you’re not wearing it?
- untouchable cell phone – he guards his cell phone with his life and won’t let you use it. He even brings it to the toilet and is careful not to leave it lying around.
- weird telephone messages – “Ma’am, could you please tell Mr. Roberts that I’ve fixed the leak in his condo and that I’ll be sending him my bill soon?” Didn’t he say he can’t afford a summer cottage because he’s still waiting for his stock options to come through?
- no sexual advances in the last little while – why isn’t he romantically flirting with you anymore? Is he getting it somewhere else? Too tired from all that activity?
- absent-mindedness, distractions – you feel your husband hardly listens to you or barely manages small talk. It’s like his mind is somewhere else – and you know it isn’t on work.
- ringing phone, no one there – your husband’s girlfriend tries to call him at home but when you answer, the line goes dead.
- he smells funny, has hair strands on his coat – you don’t recognize the perfume, and the color of the hair strands is not your hair color.
- suddenly a gym freak – he said he hates gyms and hates to exercise. Why is he in the gym 8 days a week and looking desperately lean and mean all of a sudden?
Ideally, the best thing is not to emotionally react when you catch your husband lying about cheating. Collect evidence like a good and calculating detective. Men tend to run away from a highly-charged emotional confrontation, they can’t deal with wild accusations, tears and flying saucers. Be cool and psychologically stable. Instead of ranting and raving about why men lie about cheating, find out why they cheat.
Ask your husband calmly why he cheated. Show him the evidence. Maybe he’ll be ready to tell you the truth if you’re not angry. And maybe you can suggest couples therapy.
Remember, there can be many reasons why men lie about cheating. Keep the communication lines open. It doesn’t mean the love between you is dead. It can simply mean it wasn’t allowed to flourish because of problems at home or that something in the marriage needs a fix.