We all carry patterns, old ways of reacting that come from unconscious beliefs, wants, or traumas. Life has a way of bringing up these patterns again and again, often in the form of triggers. And when we are caught in them, we react automatically, without much awareness.
In therapy, people often come to me because they are becoming aware of these patterns, but they feel frustrated. They see what is happening but feel they cannot change. This is where I talk about what I call closing the gap, or the process of moving from unconscious reaction toward conscious response.
Imagine standing on one side of a bridge. That is the side of your old pattern. On the other side is the person you want to become. You are aware, calm, and able to choose your response. In the beginning, that bridge doesn’t even exist. You simply react. But with awareness, step by step, the bridge begins to take shape beneath your feet and the gap begins to close.
Here are 6 steps to move you onto a new path.
Step 1: Awareness After the Fact.
At first, awareness only comes later. You get triggered, you react, and then, after it’s over, you realize: “Oh, that was my old pattern again.” This is the first step.
Step 2: Awareness During the Reaction.
With time, you begin to notice while it’s happening. You’re in the middle of the reaction and suddenly you see it. You can’t stop it yet, but you’re closer, the first planks of the bridge are being laid.
Step 3: Less Intense Reactions.
Eventually, you catch yourself earlier. You still react, but not as strongly. The awareness softens the intensity. It’s as though you’ve taken a few steps forward and the planks of the bridge you are building feel a little steadier.
Step 4: Pausing Mid-Reaction.
Next comes the ability to stop yourself mid-reaction. You might still feel triggered, but now you can pause, step away, and return later when you’re calmer; a chance to regain balance before crossing into familiar territory, just as you would pause on a shaky bridge before taking the next step.
Step 5: Not Reacting but Needing Space.
You feel triggered, but you don’t act on it. Still, you can’t yet calm yourself enough to respond right away. The bridge is strong enough to hold you, but not yet steady enough to cross calmly. Instead, you choose to leave the situation and return later to respond consciously, with more clarity.
Step 6: Anticipating the Trigger.
Eventually, the bridge becomes so familiar that you see potential obstacles before you step on them. You soothe yourself early, preventing a reaction altogether, and cross smoothly to the other side.
This is the process of closing the gap. Moving from no awareness to awareness after the fact, to awareness in the moment, until eventually awareness comes so quickly and naturally that you are able to choose how you respond.
However, it is important to remember that crossing this bridge is not a one-time event. We don’t just move through the steps once and arrive permanently on the other side. Depending on stress, tiredness, or circumstance, we may find ourselves back in earlier steps.
This doesn’t mean we’ve failed or gone backwards. Each crossing reinforces the bridge. Over time, the earlier steps happen less often, and the later ones feel more natural. This is not just a process I teach in therapy. It is also the path I’ve had to walk in my own healing. I have walked and rebuilt this bridge many times myself, and I know how discouraging it can feel before the gap begins to close.
The key is compassion. When we stumble, we remember. We’re still practicing, still strengthening the path. With patience and kindness, the bridge becomes sturdy enough to carry us again and again, toward greater awareness.
After all, the point is not to never get triggered again, nor to be perfect in our responses. That may not be realistic. We are still human with our emotions moving in waves. The point is to live with more ease, to be less at the mercy of old patterns, and to bring more choice and freedom into our daily lives.
