4 Ways to Build Self-Trust in Your Decision Making
We often think we’re searching for answers when what we’re really searching for is certainty. We ask friend after friend, read article after article, listen to podcast after podcast. Often, we know more than we think we do. Our intuition, values and experience are already pointing us in a direction. Yet, we’re hopeful someone else will tell us it’s ok to trust what we already know. We’re often drawn towards the people who will give us the answer we want to hear because their validation relieves us of the discomfort of deciding for ourselves.
We’ve stopped trusting ourselves enough to listen to our own voice, so we ask more people, gather more opinions, seek more reassurance. Not because we’re incapable of making decisions, but we’re trying to avoid the discomfort that comes with owning one.
Making decisions means accepting uncertainty. It means accepting things may not go as planned and accepting responsibility for the outcome.
Many of us have spent years learning to trust everyone except our own selves. We trust experts, friends, strangers on the internet and the opinions of those who have never lived our lives. As their voices get louder, our voice becomes more difficult to hear.
Seeking advice is natural and healthy. Some of our greatest growth happens because someone else helps us see what we cannot see on our own. Mentors offer perspective. Coaches ask powerful questions. Friends provide support. Experts share knowledge gained through experience.
Seeking wisdom is not a weakness. It’s often a sign of humility and self-awareness. The value comes in understanding the role we should allow other people to play in our decisions.
Healthy advice expands our perspective. Unhealthy advice replaces our perspective.
A mentor can help us think through a challenge, a coach can help us uncover what we already know, a trusted friend can point out a blind spot, but none of them must live with the consequences of our choices. At the end of the day, only we do; therefore, the goal is not to stop asking for advice, it is to stop outsourcing responsibility for our decisions.
The healthiest question is not, “what should I do?” It’s “what am I hoping this person will tell me?” This answer often reveals more than the advice itself.
Wisdom from others should inform our decisions, not replace them.
4 ways to build self-trust in your decision making
Ask yourself what you already know before seeking advice.
Before calling a friend, asking a coach or posting in a Facebook group, ask yourself, “If no one else’s opinion was available, what would I do?” This creates a starting point before outside voices enter the conversation. You may not have complete clarity, but you’ll often find part of you already knows which direction feels most aligned.
Notice whether you’re seeking wisdom or permission
There is a difference between “help me think this through” and “tell me what to do.” One invites perspective, the other surrenders responsibility. When we’re seeking permission, we often keep asking until someone gives us the answer we desire. Awareness of this tendency helps us notice when we’re gathering information or simply avoiding a decision.
Pay attention to which advice resonates
When multiple people offer different perspectives, notice which advice immediately feels right. Or wrong. Feelings aren’t facts, but your immediate reaction often contains valuable information. Sometimes the strongest clue isn’t the advice itself, it’s your response to it.
Let advice inform your decision, not make it
Mentors, coaches, experts and trusted friends can provide perspective, identify blind spots and share experience but they cannot make your decisions for you. The goal of seeking advice is to gather information, not surrender responsibility. At some point you must choose.
We all need those who challenge our thinking and help us to see what we are unable to see on our own; however, there is a difference between gathering perspectives and delaying a decision. Eventually, additional opinions stop creating clarity and start creating noise. The goal isn’t to stop listening to others and seeking advice, it’s to make sure you haven’t stopped listening to yourself.
