Who said divorce had a pretty face anyway?
No matter how you slice it, divorce is still a monster that wears an ugly face and can wreak havoc on lives, much like a mighty hurricane. It’s hard to stomach the fact that two people who were once madly in love, viewing each other as the greatest thing that ever happened to them, can end up fighting like jungle warriors. We’ve heard poetic expressions like “she brings out the best in me,” “he’s brought light into my life where it was once darkness,” or “her love is all I need to survive.”
But give these lovers a few years, a kid or two, and some unresolved issues, and what do you get?
Poof! The love goes up in smoke, leaving only dying embers. Interestingly, the Canadian Oxford Dictionary defines “ember” as an almost extinct residue of a past activity or feeling. Is the ember then a symbolic representation of a divorce, suggesting that the feelings are no longer there?
So much for waxing poetic. When a divorce is looming, there’s neither time nor inclination for eloquent poetry. Ammunition must replace poetic justice. This time, as crude as it sounds, it’s time to make war, not love.
Given that divorce can be ugly, Ronald Sharp (Winning the Divorce War, 2005) suggests that individuals should plan for it even before they get married. That’s a rather cold, cruel perspective. Just think: how can two people who love each other and are about to get married even consider preparing for a divorce? It’s like saying, “Get married if that’s what your heart desires, but your marriage is doomed anyway, so plan for the next step.”
Heartless, you scream. You’re crying out, “That’s unrealistic!”
We’re willing to accept heartless, but unrealistic? Remember the 50% rule? Fifty percent of marriages today end in divorce. Do you still think planning for a divorce even before the wedding is unrealistic?
A Divorce Can Be Ugly – But if You Prepare for It…
You could save your sanity, your finances, and your relationship with your child.
We’ll borrow some insights from two authors who have written extensively on divorce. The first is Ronald Sharp, whose ideas may enlighten divorcing couples so they don’t get short-changed during the proceedings and final settlement. His views are somewhat devoid of emotion—“to maintain objectivity, you must consider your spouse the enemy”—and he could be misinterpreted as advocating a relentless adversarial approach. But then, isn’t a divorce action inherently adversarial? His book focuses on protecting your own interests, so if it means employing all possible tactics to manipulate the situation to your advantage, his advice deserves consideration.
The second author is Judith S. Wallerstein, who takes a more emotional perspective, offering advice on how to navigate the breakup. Her focus is on how to emotionally survive the ugliness of divorce by tackling three fundamental challenges.
Some writers reference the film War of the Roses because it truly depicts a marriage that starts well but turns ugly when the Roses file for divorce. And “ugly” is an understatement; it was downright vicious. If you haven’t seen it, it rates a 9.5 on a scale of 10. Your video store must have it in the “old films” section.
Two Views to Making It Less Ugly
If we must adopt an adversarial stance, so be it. Here’s what Sharp has to say:
If your emotions are running high, seek help to manage them. Once you have a handle on your feelings, you can focus on divorce planning. The first step, Sharp advises, is to plan for it before it happens. If possible, do this well before the wedding date. One effective approach—many couples are already doing this—is to get a written premarital agreement in place. Once married, clarify your involvement with the children, stay informed about your spouse’s financial dealings, and arrange property ownership to your advantage.
Sharp notes a few common mistakes divorcing couples make. Still healing from their wounds, they often fail to see the bigger picture. For instance, many couples believe that obtaining custody of the children is the most important goal. However, Sharp observes that while people may be willing to sacrifice everything for custody, they often overlook that what they really want is to maintain a loving relationship with their children.
Consider Sharp’s questions:
- Do you really want custody? Are you prepared to be the parent who prepares all the meals, washes the clothes, does the shopping, and drives them to lessons and sports practices?
- Do you want to have to find a sitter every time you want to go out?
- Are you ready to be the one who disciplines them or cares for them when they are sick?
Regarding keeping the house, Sharp advises considering the costs involved. Yesterday, you had two incomes supporting the household expenses like heating, mortgage, yard and pool upkeep, and countless others. Today, with a divorce, there’s a strong possibility of relying on a single income. A smaller, less expensive house may be a safer bet.
What’s crucial, Sharp emphasizes, is never to share your divorce goals with your spouse because your spouse is your enemy. Anything your spouse gains is something you lose.
We’ve outlined Sharp’s arguments regarding the logistical side of divorce. These issues explain why divorce can be ugly. If your strategy is weak, it could become even uglier. This is why you shouldn’t navigate this journey alone. A lawyer knows the options; you may not. A lawyer understands the procedures and can help you cut through the legal jargon.
Unless you’ve been voraciously reading divorce judgments yourself.
Now, let’s turn to the challenges Judith Wallerstein believes you need to face head-on:
First challenge: Get a grip. Restore your sense of self and put it back in working order. Rebuild your support systems and regain your balance. You’ll need all your strength to cope with future challenges.
One reason couples divorce is due to abuse—either physical or verbal. Patricia Evans explains that a verbal abuser diminishes the abused to the point where their self-perception blurs. When a spouse is consistently criticized—“you’re illogical,” “you can’t think for yourself,” “you’re dreaming in technicolor,” “you’re argumentative and competitive”—the person being criticized becomes conditioned to accept more abuse while experiencing increasing self-doubt. It’s almost akin to brainwashing.
Here’s a case Patricia Evans cites as an example:
“Luke constantly presented to me that I had a flaky family. He did this in subtle ways. I gradually began to think he was in touch with the real world, while I and my family weren’t. I became confused. In reality, when I thought about my relatives, I realized they were highly respected and had made real contributions to society. Still, I felt there was something wrong with my background—like his family was more solid. Now I can see that none of this was true. It was like brainwashing.”
(The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans, p. 113.)
The example given by Evans illustrates a woman who met Wallerstein’s first challenge: to wake up and regain the confidence she once had.
Second challenge: Channel your energies toward your children. Prepare them for the breakup and provide plenty of support. Choose the best custody arrangement for them, but review it periodically, as their needs and circumstances will change.
Third challenge: Create a new relationship with your ex-spouse to redefine your roles as co-parents after the divorce, and find ways to sustain those roles for the children’s sake. Prepare yourself; it’s an entirely new ballgame.
Wallerstein emphasizes that all three challenges begin on day one of the divorce and will last indefinitely. “This is why divorce is so complicated and why so many people don’t benefit from their divorces. Just because you succeed at one challenge doesn’t mean you’ll excel at the other two. But if you succeed in meeting all three, I believe you can open up new opportunities in your life and put the disappointments of your marriage behind you, once and for all.” (What About the Kids, 2003)
All this talk about divorce is quite serious. Let’s end on a lighter note.
Lois Misiewicz shares numerous divorce jokes online. Here’s one for you:
“Congratulations, my boy!” said the uncle. “I’m sure you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.”
“But I’m not getting married until tomorrow,” the groom protested.
“I know,” replied the uncle. “That’s what I mean.”
