Professor's House

Accusing Someone of Cheating

Something feels off. Your relationship seems to have reached a point where you just aren’t sure what is going on. You wonder if the love has fizzled out? Or, maybe he or she is cheating on you? Regardless your gut instincts are telling you that something is wrong – but since you don’t have any proof of infidelity – you wonder whether you should just come forth and ask – accusing your partner of cheating – or wait it out and see if the dust settles?

Accusing someone of cheating is not something that should be done in jest or in anger. Just because the two of you have hit a lull in the relationship, or experiencing some sort of problems doesn’t automatically mean that your partner has resorted to cheating. In fact, the misplaced accusation, and the undeserved suspicion can easily become the end of a promising relationship if you are wrong, especially if it becomes an overused go-to response to any sort of dissention in the relationship.

Essentially, when you accuse someone of cheating – you are accusing him or her of lying to you. You are accusing them of being dishonest on the most primitive foundation of your relationship. The most natural and immediate response when you accuse someone wrongly of lying to you is for them to become angered and defensive. So often, although you may make the accusation because you are trying to figure out what is wrong in the relationship, you may inadvertently make matters much worse. Why? Because dishonesty and lying and cheating top the list of character flaws, and a false accusation – especially if it is not based on any sort of resounding proof – is attacking the character of your partner at a root level.

Additionally, when a partner becomes defensive or feels like you are attacking them – most people will react in an equally hurtful matter which does more to obscure the truth than reveal it.

So what should you do if you suspect a partner is cheating?

Before spouting off accusations and risk putting the relationship in further turmoil, do some homework. There are normally some pretty telltale signs of cheating. Have your partners habits changed profusely? Are they using their cell phone more? Are they more secretive than normal? Are they working longer hours at work? Do you notice discrepancies in some of the things they are doing that just do not seem to make sense? Some other signs that your partner may be cheating are going out with ‘friends’ more, changing their personal habits – such as wearing perfume or cologne when they normally don’t, working out excessively and an increase (due to guilt) or decrease in their desire to have sex with you. Have they suddenly been accusing YOU of infidelity without any real reason to do so?

If you notice sudden changes like these, then you might want to try on your investigative hat before making blind accusations. Check cell phone records; see if they are really where they say they are. In other words, find something, anything concrete that you can use to verify your feelings. Then, and only then – confront them with some of the facts so they realize you aren’t basing your accusation on personal insecurity. Then, pay close attention to their response. Are they defensive? Shocked? Surprised? Do they become immediately indignant, angry and begin blaming you for the things that are going wrong in the relationship? If their relationship seems out of character, or somehow ‘off’ or unreasonable, then your suspicions may be right. Even so, it is a very rare person that will actually admit that they are having an affair. Most people hide the affair, which adds to the excitement and adrenaline rush of the infidelity – until they are literally caught in the act. So if your partner IS cheating – they likely won’t admit it.

If you immediately think your spouse is cheating when the relationship seems off-kilter, you also have to ask yourself if this is more an internal response than one based on your partner. For instance, if you have been in a relationship that ended with infidelity, or have been otherwise personally affected by infidelity, there is a good chance that your internal hurt and pain may make you jump to conclusions of cheating too quickly. And the more you think about something, ruminate about the possibilities, the more the mind can begin to make something ‘look true,’ that really isn’t. Unfortunately, when emotions are so deeply tied to a situation it can be very difficult to step aside long enough to make common sense decisions.

The best way to confront a situation, or to accuse a partner of infidelity is to do so calmly. Try to view the commentary as a conversation rather than a conversation. Choose a time when both of you are feeling calm, and when there aren’t many outside distractions to deal with. And definitely have the conversation in private. You should also work hard to keep your emotions in check during the conversation. Most importantly, breach the subject by using YOUR feelings, rather than being accusatory. Instead of saying, “You always come home late from work, say “I miss you when you come home late for work and we don’t get to spend time together.” Own how YOU feel – rather than immediately put your partner on the defensive. You should also help your spouse understand that you are confused or concerned about the relationship and that you want to work things out.

This doesn’t mean that you will necessarily get the truth. However, the best way to fix things in a relationship is to talk about them together. And just remember, that your partner should be innocent until proven guilty.

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15 comments

Helaina March 9, 2016 at 10:40 AM

I like this article I would like to ad to it alittle about the change of habits though because you see I changed my habits as far as my getting fixed up for the day because I started getting asked where I was going when I put makeup on or wore something that was a bit nicer so instead of hearing the accusation inbthe question I just didn’t for a while but then decided ifvivwant tofedl pretty. Put make up on for myself I going to now it’s thought it’s because some guy fried is coming or has come by it’s always for anyone but him. And the fight is on I try on t togrybupset by the accusation which are notsaidvin a outright manner but hinted to and you know what is being said and frankly it’s gotten to be where I’m accused anytime I leave the house and it takes longer than he thinks it should. I’ve told him he’s gonna lose me im loyal h has been cheated on by others and I just got out of a relationship where I was accused constantly but was completely faithful and in love. And it hurt to lose someone over their crazy thoughts. That you can not change I am a 49 year old woman and need security and stability and honesty in a prior relationship I was cheated on. And my gut new it but I realy had no proof so I asked and of course deny deny deny we broe up because I could not bare to live with the thougt that he was with her when I could not reach him or didn’t hear from him when the irregular patterns came and went he eventually had to unburden his life of the lie so as t be set free it was an energy thing for him as well as a nessassary thing for me to fully have trust in my own git feelings a relief for all I guess . so yes I relate to every part of this article but would also like to ad a bit about women and the changes they go thru as they age sex drive lessens fatigue and a poor self image as the effects of gravity start showing and of course men are going to be concerned if the frequency of there sex life has dwindled yes I realiz it goes both ways and let me also ad that some effects of abuse from child hood abuse do manifest in adult years . I can speak for myself and say. I have come to realize I Har dley ever am the iitalizer if sex . I’ve always been that way and was that way when I started dating the man im with now nothing has changed from then to now but this is one of his reasons for the accusations because I don’t come seeking it and often am not on that level. And then ad to it the daily fight as to wether I’m faithfull although not pu t directly to the point it’s not a turn on for me and dies nothing but harm my feelings as far as wanting to be intimate. why when I fact he can’t really love me because that involves trust and there is not for me from him. I’ve questioned his faithfulnes only because I now the ol if your not cheating but being accused perhaps it the accuser who’s the cheater . at any rate I’ve gone on much to long and I hope my insight can bring some understanding to any troubled relationships that should not be. Oh let me ad that just because youre adds a stop or two to their agenda does not mean the y are cheating noe dies it mean they have lied or had plans to make the other stops before it just means they thought of more things needed to take care of if you have to explain every detail of your day before it happens to your mate there is no trustv and it almost becomes a type of control we should not have to have control over another nor be controlled in order to be loved .show love and faithfulness and trust and also you should have a basic level of trust for the person in your life they should not have to prove their trustworthy in order to be given trust .although if they have given reason showed behavior which broke the trust then yes that trust must be regained otherwise why destroy you days with negative thoughts that your mate might be doing instead think about what the effects of having complete trust in them ei dofor how you treat them speak to them and how it will affect their interactions with you please let this help some one.

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David July 24, 2016 at 9:04 PM

You might have saved my mind. I already accused her of cheating because she was always on her phone talking to others and she didn’t wear makeup for a long while then she got sick of being controlled or stuck as she says and started hanging out with people. Mainly a guy friend whose married happily but if we argued she needed space to hang out with him and she said it’s because she has nowhere to go. We live with 2 older people and she has no job and has to pay rent by cleaning. But my gut was always going off. Always telling me something is wrong. I don’t know what it was and cheating seemed to fit the entire scenario. I never found proof but I know guys hit her up all the time Because she’s beautiful. Its just hard to ever know..if she w as hiding it she’s so smart ..also because of my trust issues we broke up she decided giving me information fed the paranoid wolf in me so she blocked me on Facebook and locked me out of her phone.
Is she really screaming for privacy or is she cheating? It comes off as secrecy and I just get lost in the ideas..so I accused her and we broke up. My hopes was that she would halfway beg for me back or say no I don’t want to break up but she’s so hard headed we compete. Of course she wins the game there and it becomes a psychological fuck. So I decided that if I’m causing her stress or pain I need to let her go. Of she’s cheating on me I need to let her go. I just need to let her go.
Never knowing wjats true. Not sure if I could ever know the truth. Not sure if I can ever trust her. I wish I just had the ability because I’ve never loved anyone like her. I guess there’s standards set and I’ve got to let her go…

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Allen Mendez September 11, 2018 at 8:55 PM

This is a great response! Despite all the grammar errors….lol

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sam August 9, 2016 at 6:27 PM

ive been accused of cheating but am absolutely innocent. I didn’t respond in anger or defensiveness but it broke my heart. Because I knew i was innocent i sided him emotionally and tried to support him because he was so hurt. i wish i would have gotten mad or even walked out then. He has a past of cheating people and i thot I would be able to show him I was different. Especially since i knew i wouldn’t ever do such a thing. we have came to a truce about it but deep inside me i feel like i am crumbling. We were perfect and I just want that back. I am thinking about going to counseling about it but not sure it will help

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Tierra October 21, 2016 at 7:28 AM

My ex boyfriend accused me of cheating while I was out of town for work which I absolutely did not. We were on the verge of trying to make our relationship better (which I realize now that I should have not tried to do) as in the past we had some turmoil with trust and slight abuse. But at the time I was so blinded by it all and made to think that it was all my fault for all the issues that I felt guilty and wanted to do anything to make it work (Crazy). But back to the accusing. While gone on my work trip I made it my effort to communicate with him as I knew he really didn’t want me to leave in the first place. One night I decided that I didn’t want to just talk on the phone, but to do a video chat so that we could at least see each other, because I missed him. So we both decided that we would download Tango. Well, prior to us doing the video chat I called him on the phone to see if he was ready to get the video chat started and he said that he was at the liquor store buying a drink. So I waited a few minutes and then called him with the video chat. Not to far in our conversation we kept having disconnection issues and would have to keep calling each other back. He kept saying that my video was coming out blurry and reacting slow on his end, so I would constantly try to fix my connection. Well apparently during all the commotion he took a screenshot of the video chat of me which was extremely blurry and claims that he saw an image of a guys private part in the front of my face while I was video chatting with him. I couldn’t believe it, as I know for a 100% fact that I was not in my room with anybody. Then he sends me texts degrading me as a person saying that he is going to cheat and all of this mess. I was in complete shock. When I got home we had a bad argument about it to the point where he ended up putting his hands on me, and even after all of that I still went back, trying to prove my innocence, but he still believed that I was cheating. I tried to have the blurry screen shot image that he took cleared up and no one that I reached out to could. I was so desperate to prove to him that I didn’t cheat I offered to take a polygraph. But after a few days of sitting back and replaying the situation, I realized that the relationship that I was so desperately trying to save was not worth it. I should never have to go through all of that to prove anything. If he really cared and loved me like he said it would have never got to this point. So we ended up breaking it off, and he still believes that I cheated. But at the end of the day I know I didn’t. I just wish I would have handled being falsely accused better, because I put too much energy into defending myself when his mind was already made up.

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Ed November 3, 2016 at 3:12 AM

This is happened to me and we just broke off last few days and we have been together for 6 years and 9 months relationship. It’s just broke my heart and i just accept what he want maybe that is the best for him. I know what his accusation to me its not true at all but what can i do if he keep accusing the things that i never do. I need to accept and just pray to god.
Just sharing my story and thank you.

-Ed-

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David November 23, 2016 at 1:39 PM

You know , I read this and don’t feel better still. Unfortunately, I accused my gf on and off of 6.motnhs of cheating with no proof. But I don’t need any . I’m no fool. She changed her number and invited a coworker to stay at her place. Then she would argue with me and leaves for anything. Hoe could I find proof ? she lives alone and she doesn’t show me amything. Then she broke up with me 3 weeks ago after I accused her. Instead of talking. I have. otherwise heard from her since. She changed her number. Because the guy she was seeing , is keeping her just fine.

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John October 20, 2017 at 4:46 PM

I had to drop my own situation here,I was happily married until I started cheating on my wife with a girl I met on Facebook. She lives abroad and I got so hooked on her. I did whatever I could and broke my marriage. Eventually I have married the girl i met abroad and brought her over to the uk with me. We are both from the same country in Africa. Before we got married , she wAs very controlling, could not go and see my mates, she had to know whatever I am doing and who I speak to. After marriage and bringing here to the uk it has gotten worse. Basically my wife is on the hunt to catch me cheating. She’s constantly tracking my moves, investigating everything I do, I have to accept video calls to prove where I am and I am doing. Can’t go out at night, can’t see my mates, we have a three months old baby and she’s uses that as an excuse to stop me from going out.These days it’s when I go to work, she’s constantly on the phone and when I refuse to answer I am cheating, I take pictures for her but not enough proof. I’m so tired of explaining myself, I feel frustrated and keep talking to myself in my car. I have told my parents but they don’t believe in divorce. I know I brought all these to myself, my ex was simply amazing. I have been thinking of packing my things and leaving but scared I won’t get to see my three months old baby girls again. I’m tired nobody seem to feel my pain. I feel like this will only stop if one of us leave or die to be honest I have been accused of cheating constantly for a year and half, always have to prove myself and then she will say she is sorry only to accuse me within days or weeks.

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David Beart October 20, 2017 at 5:13 PM

You might say I understand your situation. You’re trapped, afraid of not seeing your daughter again. To me it sounds lose…lose. In my humble opinion if she is out find you guilty of cheating, she won’t rest till she does. The only other option is to not hang with your boys and spend more time at home with your wife and daughter. In all honestly… the fist 2 years of having raising our daughter was a blur, not a lot of time to have ‘guy time’.

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Miss November 2, 2017 at 2:06 AM

I asked my partner recently you not speaking to others online or made a profile have you as he was discussing his friend is on a dating site and his other friend had created a fake profile pretending to be a girl to wind the friend up when I asked he just said don’t be stupid you never trust me – then a he or so latter he wouldn’t talk to me and was really horrid all night do u think it’s a sign ?

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Ruth Dawson December 13, 2017 at 12:03 AM

It’s been 25 years since my husband’s infidelity and the Lord has been faithful. He directed me to this professional private investigator cyber hack whom I contact his gmail(cyberhack005) he helped me hack his phone just has his name implies, I was enable to spy on his phone remotely and I was so mad at him when I caught him cheating on me with his ex of many years. He was appalled when he knew I already found out his unfaithfulness to our marriage. The next morning he came to me and kneel down to apologize for his wrong doing and promise such will never repeat itself. Needless to say, the pain was unbearable, but the Lord carried me and spoke gently to me. The first whisper to me from the Holy Spirit was a question, “do you love him (referring to my husband)? Initially I could only answer with a heavy sigh until He asked a third time and I responded, “yes.” From that time forward the Lord promised that he would do a new thing (Isaiah 43:18-19). The Lord relocated us to a new state and we struggled through the pain together with the Lord as the three-fold cord that brought healing and newness of life to our relationship. I had to position myself to hear and to obey God’s voice and to ignore my flesh that cried out for revenge.Since . It was difficult to shut out the worldly counsel and the other voices. I look back and marvel at His amazing grace

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Bobbie January 10, 2018 at 3:47 PM

I’ve been accused of cheating but in crude language and in front of my adult daughter which I don’t think I can forgive. I haven’t done anything wrong but made new friends both male and female after a course I did. We had days of screaming rows but then we sat and talked and I think he believes I’ve never cheated…. I can’t let it go though … he’s going about normally as if he never accused me …. its the part that it was in front of my daughter …he never came and asked me privately just roared at me why don’t you tell the truth that your screwing someone else…. the words won’t go away it’s there in my head I think it will never leave me ….. I’m so emotional and have no interest in him …..were just in the same house … no fighting .. he’s just normal making it all ok in every way but not in the way it matters ….no clue what to do I feel I’m going crazy … slowly !!! My heart is broken maybe …I worked while I reared my kids was always home and this is what I get !!!!

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Jason November 15, 2018 at 6:54 AM

I just recently accused my fiance of cheating I used a text app to text her see if she was trying to talk to someone and I don’t know what to do now she broke it off she tell me that she has me and u still hhaave her she still say she loves me but she does not talking to me that much now like shr used to I don’t know what to do anymore just trying to get some information to help me out with this. I mean I really do love and care about this women!!! thank you for the input.

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D... December 20, 2018 at 8:08 PM

This article is good. I have been going through hell for the last 3.5 years. She constantly accuses me of cheating and the thought never crossed my mind. We used to go out party and have fun. With my friends a couple of times with hers but it was never as frequent. The people I know have been in my life for 10 to 25 years and some longer. I have since had to stop talking to any and everyone just to get the fight to stop. Yet the accusations keep coming. An old friend says hi and she asks immediately if I slept with this person. If I say no she calls me a liar. If I say yes that’s a sure way to end the relationship. This has even happened with family members so much I cant enjoy their company for holidays. I dont know what to do anymore. I’ve tried so hard to save us. But it’s looking like the best course of action is to get out.

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matt wallis February 27, 2019 at 3:43 AM

I have been accused by my girlfriend of cheating because of something completely stupid happened.
Basically I texted her on my iPhone and completely forgot to turn the phone off and I put it in my pocket left on in her texting page.
Before I knew it I heard the phone make a texting someone noise and I looked at it and it texted her 2 women’s names Mel and ave who I’ve never heard off and a load of gibberish, so she now thinks I’m texting other women.
If I was why would I text her two women’s names?
I know I’m innocent and this is something I didn’t deliberately do.
She doesn’t believe me I’m really upset about this as I really love her.

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