In a marriage, there is a time for all things. There is a time to stand your ground, a time to say you are sorry, and unfortunately, a time to admit you are wrong. Confucius said, “A man that committed a mistake and doesn’t fix it is making another mistake.” The first step in correction, especially within a marriage, is admitting to the wrongdoing.
Mistakes come in all shapes and sizes. Some are as serious as infidelity, while others, like telling a white lie, seem small and insignificant. The foundation of marriage is trust, and couples should feel both honest and safe enough to admit their wrongs to one another. For many people, they can apologize but cannot admit that what they did was wrong. This usually translates to being sorry for being caught rather than being genuinely remorseful. How is a partner supposed to feel assured that the consequences of having to apologize and lose face are high enough to prevent future wrongs? It’s similar to a child being caught with their hand in the cookie jar: they may apologize, but unless they understand why their actions were wrong, they will likely continue to repeat them.
Swallowing Your Pride
Admitting you are wrong requires some pride swallowing. Remember that love is not proud, and when it comes to you and your partner, there should be transparency in who you are. There should be no judgment, only unconditional love. Rarely is that the case, but it should be the ideal. The only way to get close to that kind of relationship is to cultivate immense mutual respect. Often, people lie in a marriage because they fear their partner will judge them. They lie because they know their partner has different beliefs and fear the wrath that may follow. When you make a mistake and try to hide it, you truly may not believe what you did was an error. Thus, admitting you are wrong becomes something you say but don’t really mean. This is why it is essential to be honest, completely honest, with your partner. No one said you had to agree on everything or even half of the things in life, but you should be able to be honest. If you cannot, consider taking a little marital inventory.
One thing about admitting you’re wrong is that it’s the easiest way to regain credibility with your spouse. Self-justification and placing blame on others quickly leads to arrogance, which is unattractive in any relationship. You have to wonder: why is it so difficult for people to admit they are wrong?
The truth is that it has to do with human psychology. Our innate psychological wiring uses cognitive dissonance to help us make decisions. This means our minds are constantly programmed to find justifications for our actions. Even if we are making a mistake, we develop a thought process that makes us feel justified. For some, this cognitive dissonance is so strong that they cannot admit they are wrong. Even if they utter the words, it is often more to avoid a consequence than to take steps to remedy the situation.
If you look back through history, you can learn a great deal about admitting you’re wrong in a marriage from President Kennedy. Instead of deflecting attention away from his wrongdoings, he candidly and emphatically admitted his mistakes following the Bay of Pigs invasion. He believed it was important to be open about errors, and although the situation could have threatened his political career, admitting his mistakes ultimately increased his popularity tenfold.
In your marriage, be aware that cognitive dissonance exists in everyone, including yourself. When you notice yourself apologizing for something without truly admitting you were wrong, consider why it is so hard to admit it in the first place. Review the reasons behind your decision, and try to find something in the mistake that can help the marriage grow. As a society, we often label mistakes strictly as negative; however, there is much to be gained from making them, especially in a marriage.
In many relationships, the ability to apologize or admit wrongdoing is imbalanced. One partner may be willing and able to admit their mistakes, while the other cannot. This creates a strong disconnect, shutting down normal communication in the relationship. It can be challenging to recover from this, especially after many years. The goal is not just to say you were wrong (which anyone can do) but to understand, like the child with their hand in the cookie jar, why your actions were wrong or hurtful! When you and your partner can admit when you’re wrong and discuss efforts to move forward, your relationship will not only become stronger and more honest but also more meaningful.
