How many times have you heard the catchphrase “Can’t we just agree to disagree?” It often appears at the tail end of an argument, when one person, irritated and frustrated that they can’t impose their point of view, says it. Although, in theory, it’s a good thing to be able to do, few people truly understand what it means to “agree to disagree.”
Agreeing to disagree does not mean we give up on an argument we feel is important and then hold onto resentment, anger, irritation, frustration, or pain because of it. It also doesn’t mean we give in, say “we’re sorry”, or feel that we’ve done something wrong in thought or action. It simply means we understand that we may never see eye to eye, and it’s okay to disagree on certain things in life. The funny thing is, we are able to do this with friends, teachers, strangers, and even the President, but we are rarely able to do it with our spouses or family. For some reason, many of us are inflated with the idea that because we are married or related by blood, we must agree on everything.
Recognizing the Value of Disagreement
Similarly, when we don’t see eye to eye with someone on an idea, it doesn’t necessarily mean one person is right or wrong. Arguing this point would be as pointless as debating which color of the rainbow is the prettiest—some prefer blue, while others like red. This is how people are! We all have different ideas about things, and often, it’s best to keep those ideas to ourselves—especially if we know in advance that we won’t be able to sway the hard-headed mind of someone else.
When people argue, there are usually more things going on than just the argument at hand. Some people feel they must always be right. They believe that unless someone agrees with them, their way of thinking won’t be validated or accepted. If everyone were like this, there would be few inventions. However, in an argument, our feelings are involved, and we strive to change the other person’s mind. There’s a deep need to be right and to reach agreement. In reality, few people truly agree on much, though they often pretend they do. In relationships, people have internal dialogues and use psychological tricks to either end the fight or make things seem amicable. But as they walk away, they might be thinking, “He’s so dumb to really think that way!” It sounds funny because it’s true, but the raw truth is that this mindset can cause a lot of resentment down the road.
Agreeing to disagree is not just about ending an argument or throwing in the towel on trying to convince someone. It’s also about silently saying that you have enough self-respect and respect for the other person to let it go. It’s about realizing that two people who love each other can have differing opinions on everything and still love each other. It’s about seeing the disagreement as one of those things in life that you simply cannot change. It’s about deciding that you don’t need to be right or to be confirmed by someone else, just as you don’t have the obligation to boost someone else’s ego. Agreeing to disagree means understanding that it’s okay, natural, and normal to be different—and that it’s our differences that allow us to offer something unique to others in life.
Agreeing to disagree also means understanding the importance of not staying angry for long, especially about things you cannot change. When you choose to leave something as it is, accept that you and someone else think differently, and move forward, you’re making a statement about the trust and importance of the relationship. You’re also making a larger statement about the healthy state of self-worth that you feel. Additionally, agreeing not to let the little things build up into vicious monsters demonstrates immense trust and respect, both for yourself and the other person involved. We agree to disagree in life when we feel supported, loved, and safe in our differences.
It is always best to let some things go. Being able to recognize which things to let go of and which to hold onto is an important relationship skill. If we spend time pretending to agree to disagree just to make things nice again, we lose our voice, our confidence, and become hesitant and angry about the relationship. If agreeing to disagree isn’t something we truly feel inside, we shouldn’t offer it. In life, there are things worth fighting for and things that aren’t worth the energy of an argument. Being able to decipher the difference is a great gift, one that enables us to be wonderful partners to the many people in our lives.
