In the financial pages of a Canadian newspaper, a personal finance adviser was offering advice to people who complained that they couldn’t seem to make ends meet and were therefore unable to save for a rainy day. They were almost always out of money by the end of each month and were tired of the roller coaster ride.
The first thing the financial planner said was, “You have to drop this gotta-have-it attitude. Bring your brown bag to work every day so you’re not tempted to stop for a gourmet coffee and a muffin on your way in. Go back to basics and stop trying to keep up with the Joneses. You don’t need a 56-inch flat screen TV, nor do you need the latest GPS for your car. Discard the gotta-have-it mentality and see how much you can save each month!”
Good point.
But what if the problem is alcohol, I gotta-have-it?
What we need is not a financial planner but a psychologist. If our alcohol problem is dragging us down into the dark abyss of nowhere, we’ll also need to consider seeing a psychiatrist and a marriage therapist. Because alcohol, as you know, is toxic — so toxic that anyone can get hooked without even realizing it.
Alcoholism and Marriage – The Ugly Side
A woman sought advice from Dr. Gayle Peterson, a marriage therapist and counselor. She explained that her marriage had been going well until the birth of their second daughter, who was diagnosed with Down syndrome. Along with caring for their second child, she began noticing changes in her husband’s behavior. He had become morose, angry, and controlling. He criticized everything she did, and she also noticed that his drinking was becoming a problem—much like his father’s had been.
The woman’s husband had become verbally abusive. She told him that if he didn’t stop drinking, she would file for divorce. His response was that he wouldn’t pay a single cent of child support if she did, and if she stayed in the house, he would burn it down. To make matters worse, she was diagnosed with depression. She suggested counseling, but he refused.
Not knowing what else to do, she turned to Dr. Peterson for help. The doctor’s insights are worth noting here.
It wasn’t the birth of their sick child that caused the marriage to go downhill. It was clear that the woman’s husband was already “in the grips of alcoholism,” and he was also falling into a depression himself. Their marital issues didn’t start when the second child was born, but the fact that she had Down syndrome added stress to an already fragile marriage.
The doctor explained that the man’s behavior was likely triggered by his abusive childhood, and his current struggles reflected his father’s own alcoholic behavior. She explained that alcoholism is often seen as a “family disease.” Dr. Peterson advised the woman to first seek help for herself to address her depression. If her husband continued to refuse treatment for his alcohol problem, she should seriously consider leaving the marriage. She would need the full support of her family and friends to remain resolute in refusing to accept abuse. She should also call the police if she felt that her husband could physically harm her or the children.
Dr. Peterson was clear: Even if he promises to stop drinking, but refuses to seek professional help, she must not accept that. His alcoholism is rooted in his family background, and if he wasn’t trained early on to cope with stress in healthy ways, he would likely never learn to do so. He clearly needs professional help.
Her husband would have to admit that he had a serious drinking problem and begin taking steps to get clean from alcohol. He should connect with a social support network to aid in his recovery. A good starting point would be Alcoholics Anonymous, but an inpatient hospital setting should also be considered. There are community resources available to provide information and referrals.
Fatal to Marriage and Brain Health
You may already know how alcohol, when consumed excessively, disrupts the functioning of several parts of the body, including the brain. Alcoholism can harm memory and even alter the brain’s chemical pathways. If left unchecked, alcoholism can cause substantial brain damage. It begins with behavioral and social issues, then progresses to damaged relationships, and eventually results in irreversible organic brain damage.
An alcoholic spouse definitely needs help. Divorce may seem like the only solution if the person refuses help, because the children cannot continue living in an abusive home environment. The consequences of living in a toxic home cannot be overstated. Family members must break free to save their own self-esteem and confidence before it’s too late. A parent’s primary responsibility is to protect their children from an alcoholic father or mother, because the sad truth is that their own future is at stake.
Path to Recovery
The staff at Family First, an organization dedicated to supporting marriage and family relationships, has outlined a three-step recovery process for alcoholism.
The first step is to find a local chapter of AA. Through their work with alcoholics, AA has developed a set of questions to help individuals determine if they have a drinking problem. Attending meetings is free, and participants can remain anonymous. The AA website provides a grim portrait of alcoholism. Often, a person who has been drinking heavily will be told by well-meaning friends that they are not an alcoholic and just need more willpower, a new hobby, a change of scenery, or some rest and relaxation. However, alcoholics often turn to AA because willpower alone is not enough. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that requires professional intervention.
The second step to recovery is to try Al-Anon, an organization that provides counseling for those affected by a loved one’s alcohol problem. Al-Anon has been offering this service for over 50 years and has even introduced Alateen, a program specifically for teens.
If steps one and two fail and the alcoholic has “hit bottom”—a term used in alcoholic circles to describe the point where someone has no choice but to seek professional help—there is a third method: intervention.
What Constitutes Intervention?
A well-planned intervention involves a group confrontation between the alcoholic and those most affected by their drinking.
During the confrontation, family members (or friends) express their thoughts and feelings about how the alcoholism has impacted them. The goal is to help the alcoholic understand the extent of the damage caused by their behavior, hoping to convince them to seek treatment.
After the discussion, the alcoholic is immediately taken to a treatment facility chosen by their loved ones.
While alcoholics cannot overcome their addiction alone, there is hope for recovery. The key is not to let the alcoholic handle their problem on their own, as they cannot manage it, no matter how sincere their intentions. The most crucial element in this process is professional help.
Before we end this article, we would like to share something we read online from Mrs. Marty Mann, the Executive Director of the National Council on Alcoholism in New York. She once attended AA meetings, and she described how alcoholics reach rock bottom, losing everything they once had.
“Well, actually, in the very early days of AA, that was about right. Certainly when I joined, there were just a handful of us, and no one had a dime; we had all lost everything materially. Few had anything else. A few still had their wives, but most didn’t. And only one had her husband—I was that one. The second woman did not have a husband. The third one still had her husband, and that was a miracle—we didn’t believe it—because while wives sometimes stick with alcoholics, husbands rarely do.”