Yep, it seems like just yesterday you were watching a school play featuring your little blue-eyed, blonde angel as Snow White. Now, you’re lying awake at night, trying to decide whether or not you should allow your daughter to go on the pill! Times do change!
The first reaction for most parents is to get hysterical and unreasonable when this conversation comes up. Although your common sense and personal teen experience might have given you some insight into this tumultuous time in a child’s life, you may still be hoping you were just a “bad egg.” Your daughter would never have sex, right? Let’s clear up this misconception first!
According to the Guttmacher Institute Report and a study by Psychology Today, up to 36% of all 9th graders and as many as 87% of all seniors are actively engaged in sexual activities. Of those polled who admitted to having sexual relations, only 2% said they told their parents the truth. The rest indicated that their parents were completely unaware! Both reports also show that teens go to great lengths to hide the details of their sexual lives from parents and feel confident their parents don’t suspect they’re sexually active.
Hmmm, that may seem tough to swallow, but it’s the reality! Yes, kids in your high school—whether it’s a prestigious Christian school or the local public school—are having sex, talking about sex, thinking about sex, and are generally sexually literate. The difference between them and adults is that teens often feel they’ll never get pregnant, don’t use birth control, and care little about things like ovulation or buying quality condoms.
Another fact to consider is this: 67% of all pregnancies reported in the United States (for all women, including teens) were unplanned! How do you prevent unplanned pregnancy? You can abstain or use effective birth control. If your daughter is sexually active, whether she’s told you or not, there’s a good chance she may become pregnant one day. Allowing your daughter to go on the pill—although painful for you—could be the answer, enabling her to grow up, finish college, and live a respectable, abundant life in the future.
Real Conversations and Real Choices
Teens are having sex—some of it is meaningless, while others are in committed relationships. Chances are, your daughter is thinking about it, and even if she isn’t, there are likely young teenage boys thinking about having sex with your daughter.
It is not advisable to place your daughter on the pill just because “she might have sex one day.” The key is to generate realistic and honest conversations. Let your daughter know that you won’t be happy with her decision, but that you will still love her. Explain the high incidence of teen pregnancy and try to be a friend in this moment—a friend who is ready to listen. This way, she will talk to you and be able to clue you in on the sexual world of teens. Save your “oh my God’s” and rolling eyes for later. Act like you understand, and be responsive and responsible.
You should trust a teen to use a condom every time as much as you trust them to make their bed every morning before school! Some parents feel that allowing the pill equals allowing sex, but try not to think of it that way. If you don’t allow the pill, they will still have sex. If you don’t allow sex, they will still find a way to have it. Teenage sex happens at football games, in cars, behind your house, at friends’ houses, at parties, and sometimes even during school. You can ground a teen in love, but they will sneak out the window or sneak a boy in at midnight. The best approach is an honest one that positions you and your daughter as a communicative and informed force against teenage sexuality.
This means allowing your daughter to go on the pill if she’s sexually active. The flip side is that proper medical care, checking for STDs, and regular OBGYN check-ups can help her stay healthy now and in the long term. Taking her to a certified physician to get a prescription ensures she’s on the right dose and that the chemical makeup is safe and suitable for her. There are plenty of places where teen girls can get the pill without telling their parents. Wouldn’t you rather be the one in charge of your daughter’s health?
Obviously, the whole thing is morally questionable, to say the least. If you suspect but aren’t sure, then snoop! Check her text messages, look through her diary or notebook, or check her drawers for evidence. Ask her boyfriend’s parents—boys are usually more honest about issues of sexual intimacy. If you find concrete evidence that suggests she’s having sex, act like a ‘friend’ and try to gain her loyalty. Never admit to the snooping, ground her, or punish her for what you know. Doing so will only push her further away. Be a friend, a parent, and do what’s best for your daughter based on the situation she is in now, not based on what you think should be happening.
The hard truth is that you have a responsibility to protect your teen daughter. If allowing her to go on the pill is one of the ways you can help protect her future, then suck it up and do it the best way you know how! Teenagers disappoint parents constantly, but adults get over it and mold that thing called unconditional love in various directions as needed. That’s why teens have parents!
