Today, being a mother is perhaps emotionally harder than ever.
Generations ago, parents were able to raise and train their children in ways that made right and wrong clear. After a spanking or some chores, like picking cotton as punishment, a mother could ignore the bleeding fingertips from touching the briars because she knew, deep down, she was doing the right thing. Children were different too. Sure, they were seen and not heard, and would never have the audacity or bravado to interrupt adults or make demands on their parents. And yet, they all grew up just fine.
Suddenly, experts like Ferber and many others are telling moms to be both detached and emotionally involved at the same time. They are expected to be a “helicopter parent” and stay on top of their children’s deepest psychological needs. Not only is mom the primary caregiver, but she is also responsible for understanding psychology. And if she doesn’t, someone—a counselor, a teacher, or anyone—will blame her for it! Mom will be blamed for the madness, the depression, and the reason her adult child snaps at work.
Balancing Motherhood and Self-Care
Today’s mom often makes a decision, only to be consumed by feelings of “Oh my gosh, am I a bad mother?” Guilt, remorse, and regret over disciplining, combined with the fear that her children will hate her, strip away her natural instincts and the realization that kids need actual life skills to survive. Otherwise, they’ll depend on her forever. While that might help avoid empty nest syndrome, it can also leave children with “empty heart syndrome.” No one in the world will treat, excuse, or forgive your children the way you do. Teaching them responsibility, compassion, and respect shouldn’t be something you do in your spare time. It should be a constant effort. Otherwise, you risk setting your kids up for a life filled with unhappiness.
Are you a bad mother for losing your patience? Are you a bad mom because you don’t want to drive your kids to basketball practice eight times a week? Are you a bad mom because you want a career and still want to be a parent? Should you feel guilty for taking care of yourself? Is it really inexcusable to have passions of your own? Who needs those shoes more—your children, who have brand-name sneakers, or you, who own one pair of black boots that are long out of style? Do you really think that avoiding intimacy with your partner because you’ve poured all your energy into your children will result in some kind of reward?
Before you were a mom, whether good or bad, you were also a person! And you still are. The best moms strike a balance between taking care of themselves and taking care of their children. They certainly don’t put their kids’ needs at the top of the priority list at the expense of their own well-being.
Sure, your kids act out sometimes. They don’t listen when they should. They have good days and bad days. And YOU have days when you wonder what in the world you did wrong. For years, you’ve toiled and struggled, making countless attempts to provide your children with everything they need—and they repay you with selfishness or, worse, they tell you that they hate you. Then you wonder, Am I a bad mom? Surely, this doesn’t happen to good moms…or does it?
It boils down to the fact that, in today’s world, children are treated as if they are entitled to everything. Society makes mothers feel like they have to be June Cleaver by day to raise healthy kids, and then turn into Sharon Stone by night to be a good wife. It’s impossible.
Mothering is about following your instincts. The day you became a mother, you didn’t cease to exist, and you certainly didn’t stop growing. You’re going to make a ton of mistakes in the course of raising your children. Your kids already have more than they really need or want, just as it is. You don’t have to buy them things, persuade them, or barter with them to feel like a good mother. And when you make a mistake, so be it! Your kids are too young to really notice, and you can always ensure that it doesn’t happen again. There’s no reason to feel so overwhelmed by the thoughts that you are a bad mom that you lose your ability to mother.
Am I a bad mother?
When those thoughts creep in, do your best to push them away. No, you aren’t perfect—but then again, no one is. When your children make bad decisions or do bad things, it isn’t because you are a bad mother. It’s because they are children. Just like you, they are learning as they go.
There will come a day when you look back at everything you’ve accomplished in life, motherhood included, and you may have some regrets. You’ll wish you had done things differently. Your kids might even disappoint you as adults. However, remember that at some point, their lives need to belong to them—not you! You cannot steal their accomplishments any more than you can accept blame for their wrongs. You also cannot accept the good days of parenting while rejecting the ones that leave you exhausted and confused. There isn’t a mom alive who doesn’t, at some point, question what kind of mother she is. What you can do is always know that you did the best you could, and most importantly, you mothered with a love that only a mom can give.
