Young, bright, upwardly mobile individuals know a thing or two about taking things to the next level. Once they’ve found their ideal career, they do everything they can to excel, gain recognition for their contributions, and—most importantly—advance up the career ladder. As we all know, the next rung on the ladder is a promotion: well-deserved and certainly more challenging.
If we’ve been fortunate enough to have a series of life coaches—whether in school or at work—we’ve learned how to achieve progress and move forward. We were taught repeatedly that in order to avoid stagnation, we need to consistently improve our situation. This includes continuing our education, learning new skills, and building our spheres of influence. Someone who has been properly coached or mentored stays focused on their well-defined goals and works hard to accomplish them. The adage still holds true today: “You reap what you sow.”
All of this works well in our professional lives. We’ve mastered the rules of the game. We stay informed, compete in a healthy manner, and acquire the tools that will make us efficient managers and, eventually, effective executives. If we play our cards right, not even a tsunami could derail us. We forge ahead, keeping our eyes fixed on the career we’ve dreamed of for so long.
But when we turn to our personal lives, do we have the same knowledge and skills to take our relationships to the next level? Do we feel there’s something missing—something we can’t quite put our finger on—because this is the part of life where we lack the skills to make a firm decision? Ironically, we’ve become experts at engineering our professional careers, leading them down the paths we’ve chosen. Yet when it comes to nurturing our romantic relationships, we struggle.
We’ve already admitted that trying to be a “superwoman” isn’t healthy or fun. Balancing success in both our jobs and our emotions is a tall order. We might handle our stress better when we’re focused on just one goal—the professional one.
But then, one day, we wake up and realize we’re not getting any younger. We’ve neglected our personal relationships because we’ve spent too much time focused on our careers. The person we’re dating wants to get serious—maybe even live together and aim for marriage in the next 6–12 months.
We’re faced with the question: Do we want to settle? Are we ready?
No Coach Can Answer That!
The answer, unfortunately, can’t come from your psychologist, a manual, your parish priest, or your best friend. Sure, you can consult them and gather opinions (maybe even conduct a survey), but YOU will have to decide this for yourself when the time comes, and you’re pressed for a decision by your significant other.
Certain cues might help. You need to relax and spend some time alone so you can “meditate” on the matter. This is not something to be taken lightly, especially if you’re particularly fond of the person you’re dating. If you’re indecisive, he’ll sense it right away (men have good intuition, sometimes more so than women), and you could lose him.
You need to deal with these issues:
Am I happy with the way things are? Do I mind being unattached, even if everyone around me seems to be getting hooked and hitched?
Some people don’t fit the traditional mold of getting married and raising children. If we’re content with our current situation, not battling any inner demons, and enjoying our social life the way it is, then why rock the boat? Why do we feel we need to conform to societal norms and do what everyone else is doing? We once knew a woman who staunchly defended her single status, saying, “There’s a lot to be said for being single, you know.” Did we suspect she was lonely? No, because she had a healthy social network that kept her busy. She certainly wasn’t moping around or spending her time watching soaps on TV.Think with your head but listen to your heart. If the single life suits your temperament, there’s no law that says you have to conform. You may be the subject of speculation, but at least you’re confident that, unlike a volatile stock, your personal life won’t come crashing down with zero equity.
What is really preventing me from settling down? Is it the relationship or the individual I’m with?
Rephrased, the questions become: “Am I ready for this relationship?” or “Am I ready for this person?”
This issue can blur our vision because we often can’t distinguish between the relationship itself and the individual. At some point, we need to make a distinction:
a) I truly love him. He’s the best man I’ve ever known. We complement each other, and the chemistry is strong. Our personalities blend perfectly, but there’s just something about the relationship that doesn’t feel right.
b) The relationship is going well, but I’m concerned about my partner’s spending habits and social tendencies. However, the relationship itself is honest, healthy, and free from hidden agendas. It has all the essentials to succeed for many years.Sometimes, we need to do an “inventory” of our beliefs and feelings. With pen and paper, create two lists: one for the “relationship” and another for the “person.” Each list should have two columns—positive and negative. Then tally up the results, or assign weights. It may seem like a drab, unemotional approach to finalizing the “am I settling?” question, but you’ll be surprised at how putting things down on paper can make things clearer than constantly tossing ideas around in our already overwhelmed minds.
It would also help to make a separate list of what you will accept in a relationship and what you won’t tolerate under any circumstances. If your partner’s spending habits are a deal-breaker, consider finding someone else or having an honest conversation about it.
Is My Past Getting in the Way of Settling Down?
This is another issue to confront. Our parents’ lives significantly impact the way we lead ours. If we grew up in a home filled with love, harmony, and stability, we likely haven’t been “stung” by the mistakes of others. Eventually, the decision to settle down will come, and we’ll allow nature to take its course. However, if our parents experienced a tumultuous marriage that ended in a bitter divorce, we might have internalized that experience and allowed it to influence our relationship behaviors. The fear of repeating history is strong, and to avoid the potential unpleasantness of marriage, we may postpone our decision indefinitely.
While studies show that children of divorced parents have a higher risk of divorce themselves, it’s important to remember that each person can beat the odds. There are tools and strategies available to help us avoid repeating the same mistakes our parents made. It’s similar to knowing that if cancer runs in the family, we go for regular screenings and rigorous monitoring. Why not apply the same approach to our emotional well-being?
