As your kids get older, it’s easy to forget all those “reminders to self” you gave yourself when you were growing up. Your own mother would nag you incessantly or not allow you to go out and do something, and you thought she was a heathen. She just didn’t understand. So you told yourself that when you became a mother, you were never—and you meant never—going to make a big fuss about the state of your child’s room, the clothes they wear, or worry about their choice in friends. You were going to be a cool parent—liberal, understanding, and remember exactly what it was like to be a kid.
So, How Is That Working for You?
Here you are, some years later, and you’ve become the epitome of the nagging parent. Your child wants to sleep in until 10 a.m., and you accuse them of wasting the day away! Or, they come downstairs for breakfast, lounge on the couch, and you hit the roof because they haven’t made their bed in a week. Or, their cell phone rings at the dinner table, and you snatch it from them, hanging up on their best friend, annoyed that they’d even bring a device to the table. Suddenly, you’ve become that mother—the person who is annoying, strict, completely unreasonable, and constantly mad at their children. Your child feels like they can’t do anything right, and you’re so accustomed to their missteps that you begin assuming they are making mistakes before you even know what’s going on. Are you too strict with your daughter?
As your children grow up, so do your ideals about parenting. Having been through all the phases of life that your children are experiencing, you can now see the potential for danger much more easily than they can. And, years of living with your child have made you less patient with them, probably because you know both their faults and strengths so well. This complacency between parents and children can lead to nagging. Whether you admit it or not, children are an easy target for parental bad moods. So, you nag. You warn them, and you’re constantly on their backs, making yourself out to be the wicked witch of the West.
What’s worse, according to surveys by Parents magazine, parents are notably and admittedly harder on their daughters than on their sons, especially during the teen years. One study even showed that parents are more likely to overlook their sons’ misdemeanors in academics, behavior, and social activities, whereas they’re less forgiving when it comes to their daughters. The sexual inequality in rules and expectations is driven by societal pressures and, of course, the perceived “trouble” girls might get into compared to boys. Women have always been held to a higher standard regarding social behavior, and this still holds true today. For example, a female boss who is extremely shrewd in the office might be seen as a “bitch,” while a male boss with the same traits would be viewed as having strong business acumen.
Truth is, parenting is all about learning to start over each and every day. Whether you have a daughter or a son, you need to establish rules, limits, boundaries, and expectations that they are familiar with. Additionally, according to Netmums.com, parents of daughters must become aware of their tendency to criticize their daughters more than their sons. Psychotherapist Crissy Duff emphasizes that moms especially need to be cautious about how much they criticize and discipline their daughters. She believes that while strict and conscientious parenting methods are important for raising girls, it’s crucial not to pass on feelings of disapproval over every little thing. Doing so can lead grown women to see themselves as unworthy.
When it comes to daughters and sons, parents obviously parent differently. If you find yourself constantly nagging your daughter about the little things—making rules, setting up consequences, or saying “no” based on your own fears rather than reasonable behavior—it’s time to lighten up. And remember, some things in life just aren’t worth the trouble. Who cares if your daughter’s bed isn’t made? Who really cares if she wants to paint a blue stripe in her hair? By being too strict about the small stuff and not allowing your daughter to express herself and discover her identity, you’re more likely to make her rebel against the rules that do matter in your household. Most child psychologists suggest that parents pick their battles, compromising on certain standards so children can understand what is truly important in life and what is not.
Parenting shouldn’t be driven by the sex of your child. Your parenting should foster development as your child grows. The more times they prove themselves responsible, the more you should be able to ease up and give them more freedom. Base your rules on your child’s behavior, not on your own fears, and, by all means, try to be equal.
