An Unexpected Pregnancy – You Missed your Period

Blue Pregnancy Test

An unexpected pregnancy can happen to anyone. Even a happily married couple with three kids can be thrown completely off guard by the news that another one is on the way. No matter who it happens to, there’s no real way to prepare yourself or guard your feelings against the overwhelming reality that a new life is coming. Many people in this world didn’t start out happy about their pregnancy. I know firsthand how unexpected pregnancies can disrupt even the best-laid plans.

The first time I became pregnant was a total surprise. I had just been hired for the job of my dreams and was beginning to pull my life together like a responsible adult. I was 25 years old, very much in love with my partner, and felt like the world was my oyster. When I missed my period, I knew immediately. I can still remember looking at the Fact Plus pregnancy test, hoping, praying, begging really that I was reading it wrong. Maybe the plus sign meant I had more time before becoming a mother. A trip to the OBGYN confirmed what I was afraid of: I was pregnant, and even more frightening—twins.

Initially, it felt like I was giving up so much just to be pregnant. Instead of feeling happy or excited, I was nervous and, admittedly, resentful. I didn’t really understand all the changes happening to my body but knew that life was in the midst of transforming. Everyone around me was ecstatic, and almost suddenly, everything about me, except for my pregnancy, became non-existent and unimportant. People only talked to me about how I was feeling, how I was growing, and what my plans were for the babies. My plans were still stuck in the days before I found out I was pregnant. I felt as if I had to hide my true feelings from everyone and remember crying alone. That only caused guilt, as I wondered what kind of person I must be to have such selfish and ungrateful thoughts. After all, there were tons of women who had been trying for years with no luck, and like magic, I got pregnant without trying—with twins. Shouldn’t I be grateful?

The Turning Point

Around the 20-week mark, when I could feel the babies move, I began to experience a huge shift in my perspective. Unexpected, yes—but the end of the world? No! My plans began to change, too. Instead of developing a life plan just for myself, I was now making a plan for life with my husband and babies. Although it seemed undeniable that I was being forced to put everything I wanted or dreamed about on hold for a while, I now saw this as life teaching me the first lesson of being a parent. On hold, yes, but give up? No! As often happens in life, the best-laid plans are not always meant to be. I’ve come to believe that God probably knows what we need more than we do. Once the babies came, my whole life changed, and I couldn’t imagine going back to my previous existence. Probably as unexpected as the pregnancy itself was how well I grew into motherhood and how perfectly it suited me.

I went on to have another child that was perfectly planned. This pregnancy was joyful, to say the least, and I was glowing with adoration for my burgeoning belly from the very first day the line turned pink. There was no period of growing to love or understand what was happening because it was part of my greater plan. I was full of nothing but gratitude. The fourth child, however, was the most unexpected pregnancy of them all and quite possibly gave me one of the biggest tests of stamina and faith in my life.

My husband had had a vasectomy, and we were very pleased with the size of our family. We had reached the point where the kids were all in school, we could go out to dinner without needing a high chair or a diaper bag full of everything under the sun. We were finally able to sleep in on weekends. All the kids were involved in sports activities, and it was no big deal to stay on the road all day or out of the house until midnight. Vacations to the beach, the amusement park, or the movies were fun again. I could walk through a parking lot without worrying about a toddler running off into traffic, and I could grocery shop in peace without opening five products just to make it through the store. We actually had conversations at dinner, and I was past the point of cutting other people’s food or wiping anyone else’s bottom. It felt like we had reached the top of the hill and were enjoying the ride without any stress. Sure, there were no more cute babies running around in diapers, but there was a newfound freedom.

Then, one day, I was pregnant again. Once more, I had just started working outside the home. I was about to have my days to myself for the first time in 10 years. I was working out again, looking great, and finally owning my own body—no breastfeeding, no pregnancy. Even the stretch marks were starting to fade. This was the most unexpected of all. Just a year after we opened savings accounts for college, I realized that not only would I have children in college, but also one just starting elementary school. I felt like I was being sentenced to another five years of diapers and sleepless nights. Even worse, my children were old enough to understand, and they were the most caught off guard. They were angry and didn’t talk to me for a couple of weeks. One of them told me every day that she hated this baby, and she held tightly to that sentiment until the day her sister was born. I once again had to put everything I wanted on the back burner and figure out how to fit this new little person into a life I thought was already full.

This unexpected pregnancy made me angry, and for some reason, I walked around with the feeling that I was being punished. When I first told my husband, he looked at me with that expression that just said, “Have you cheated on me?” (Remember, he was fixed.) Even though I hadn’t, it felt like we were both deviously tricked. We didn’t share the news with anyone until we absolutely had to. And people reacted just as we expected, thinking we were crazy to have a fourth child. All I could think about was gaining the weight and having to redesign a life to accommodate yet another child. I resented everything about being pregnant. I was very hurt by the way my children reacted and even more put off by the way people would treat me in public. They would see me with three children and pregnant and immediately think I was a guest on the Jerry Springer Show. Finally, someone told me that what I was feeling was okay, and that all would be well. In the end, it was!

Unexpected pregnancies are not always met with joy and glee. It is perfectly okay not to feel overjoyed when you find out you’re pregnant. It doesn’t make you a horrible mother-to-be. It can be difficult at first and cause deep resentment. If we don’t allow ourselves to process those feelings, they can eventually affect the child on the way. In my case, I am as in love with my fourth and unexpected child as I was with all the rest. But it did take some time. For much of the pregnancy, I was in a “woe is me” mode that made me difficult to be around. By the time I was eight months along, I gave in and began to wonder what it was about this little life inside me that was so determined to get here. She must be special.

This unexpected pregnancy has given me the opportunity to parent in a much more relaxed and happy manner. I gained a lot of strength and a lot of appreciation for life in general. Probably the most important thing I learned is that, unexpected or not, a pregnancy changes life as we know it. Change is never easy but is always necessary. I rarely make ‘plans’ nowadays and have learned to live with the ebb and flow of all the lives around me. I now realize with certainty that in life, we have much less control over things than we might initially think. It’s more important to rise to meet the challenges and unexpected circumstances in our lives than to follow a strictly outlined and unforgiving plan. Interestingly enough, this child was named Gracie, taken from the feeling in my heart to be thankful and gracious for the beautiful gift she taught me. Unexpected or not, my life would not be the same without her.

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One Response

  1. Hi Stef,

    I am currently in this situation. I already have three children ages 18, 14, and 3. We just discovered that I’m pregnant and already 25 weeks along. I’ve been in college, finally trying to make a life for myself outside of the family, and I am feeling so guilty. We were not trying, being super careful, and now another baby! Reading your post gave me hope. Thank you so much.

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