Over the past few decades, dating has taken on many new meanings. There is speed dating, online dating, blind dating, long-distance dating, and of course, traditional dating, where you actually meet a person face to face and try to assess a connection based on chemistry. But no matter how you date or whom you date, the search for Mr. and Mrs. Right is riddled with opportunities to be judgmental.
If you have found yourself dating around and still cannot seem to find anyone good enough or compatible enough, then perhaps the problem lies within you. Maybe you’re too picky, or perhaps your list of “must-have” qualities in a partner belongs to a human being who has never been created. The question, of course, is: Are Mr. and Mrs. Right really available?
Dealing with Expectations vs. Reality in Dating
Let’s be real! If you’re dating, you must know—or at least entertain the idea—that there is not a single person alive who doesn’t come with some sort of baggage or irritating idiosyncrasies. If you’ve dated hundreds of people and still can’t find the qualities you’re looking for, could it be that you’re asking for too much?
If your girlfriend is perfect in every way, yet her laugh feels like nails on a chalkboard, maybe you could overlook it. If your boyfriend is a doll but has slept with 178 women before you, maybe you could forget his past? If your date does everything right but is a lousy tipper, maybe (just maybe) you could handle the tipping and not see it as a sign that he or she isn’t the right person for you.
Of course, there are certain things that are just deal-breakers. Lousy in bed? Move on. Abusive? Move on. No work ethic or a moocher? Move on. Too attached to his or her parents? Move on. Doesn’t want kids and you do? End it. Is mean to children or animals? That’s a sign of a crazy individual, and you might as well kiss them goodbye. These are the types of things that will only cause big divides should you decide to settle and stay. In other words, be clear on your “deal-breakers,” but don’t have so many that not even your dog is allowed to share your bed.
The phrase “Don’t sweat the small stuff” definitely applies to those who are dating. The older you get, the more baggage your dates and prospective partners will carry. Your best bet, rather than trying to pick them apart and find reasons to not be together (especially if, overall, you enjoy their company), is to learn to overlook minor flaws. Remember, no one is perfect! Would you want someone judging you for your past or picking apart every part of your being? Do you think that a man or woman exists who doesn’t have some annoying quality or less-than-perfect report card? If so, you are likely destined for a life of solitude, having set the bar too high for anyone to reach.
This is not to suggest that you should just settle, that you should find someone “good enough” rather than be alone. But most men and women who complain that they cannot find the right person, despite their efforts, have subconsciously created a dating expectation that can never be met. Maybe it’s on purpose. After all, it’s easier to have a multitude of excuses as to why each and every person you date doesn’t measure up. It’s easy to pick out the bad qualities or annoying habits of others and write them off in order to stay alone. The best way to deal with any fear of commitment is to blame others for not being good enough, right?
Chances are, you aren’t so perfect either. Plus, love, commitment, and partnerships are all about compromise, understanding, and respect. If you come home from every date making itemized lists of things you liked and didn’t like about a potential mate, then you might be overthinking the whole dating thing. You also might be suffering from a case of thinking you’re better than everyone else, which likely doesn’t make you much fun to date either.
Dating should be fun. It should be entertaining. Bad dates and bad relationships come along so that you can recognize when you’re having a good relationship or a good date. If you never dated a jerk or a complete drama queen, it would be difficult to separate the good dates from the bad ones. Take it all in stride. And when you meet that certain person who seems to have most of it together, throw your fears aside, saddle up, and try to enjoy the relationship, rather than needle and pick it apart to give yourself an out. Who knows? The girl with the goofy laugh or the guy who gives lousy tips may just be your Mr. or Mrs. Right!
