The recent release of Tiger Mother, which claims that North American parenting methods are too soft on children and fail to teach valuable life lessons of responsibility and consequence, has received much criticism. In the book, the author explores how parenting styles differ across cultures. The premise is that today’s children are raised without consequence and are not held to high expectations, which, in turn, turns them into underachievers. The author argues that if parents expected more from their children—particularly in education and personal success—those children would rise to the occasion and achieve more.
Today, it seems parenting is a mix of expectation and freedom. At some point, every parent has to wonder: are we too soft on our kids? Many research studies have focused on this very subject, and some suggest that parents might benefit from being a bit stricter.
One study showed that dual-working-parent households tend to be the most lenient with their children. Sociologists believe this is largely due to guilt. Since these parents spend significant time away from their children, they try to level the playing field by allowing more privileges and assigning fewer responsibilities. Additionally, these parents often blame behavioral issues on the absence of a stay-at-home parent. Instead of holding children accountable for their actions, they assume part of the blame themselves.
However, a study published by the New York Times suggested that children raised by two working parents are not necessarily at a disadvantage. In fact, over the last decade, dual-working parents have been spending more quality time with their children than ever before.
Are We Raising Children Without Responsibility?
A recent study from Duke University suggests that “children who display poor self-control (a critical element in parental discipline) as early as three could have triple the chance of developing problems with the law and addiction.” And with bullying and other types of violence among teens at all-time highs, it seems that children left to their own devices are not learning how to respect others—or themselves—at home.
Are we really too soft on our children? Could it be that today’s parents are not doing enough to instill responsibility, or to teach children to respect others and themselves? Are we selling our own children short by not expecting them to live up to higher standards?
In a poll conducted by Parenting Magazine, around 65% of all parents admitted they want their children to have an “edge” in life. Whether that means enrolling them in schools they cannot afford, or driving long distances to keep them in elite sports programs, parents are willing to pay the price. Yet only 26% of those same parents agreed that children should also have responsibilities at home and be held to certain expectations. Instead, they believe that striving for top grades and participating in extracurricular activities is sufficient justification for earning an allowance or certain freedoms.
It seems that the edge we’re trying to give our children does little to teach them about the responsibilities of real life. Earning a living, completing tasks—however menial—and experiencing consequences for poor behavior are almost nonexistent in modern parenting. Even with young children, parents tend to strategize their discipline, employing a sort of “parenting karma” where everything is up for discussion. This blurs the line between parent and child, and diminishes the lessons being taught.
An interesting study from the University of Georgia showed that many parents have become complacent with their children’s academic performance. A surprising number of parents are content with receiving C’s on report cards. Once a parent becomes complacent, a child is less likely to push themselves to achieve more. This suggests that we may indeed be underestimating—and undermining—our children’s capabilities.
One of the most defining generational shifts in parenting revolves around the issue of spanking. Twenty years ago, physical discipline was not only accepted but expected—in both homes and school systems. Today, many parents are afraid to spank their children, worried that even a light swat could be seen as abuse or cause psychological damage. Instead, modern parenting promotes time-outs and cooling-off periods, often emphasizing gentle discussions over authoritative correction. While this approach avoids physical punishment, it can also weaken parental authority and rob children of a real understanding of consequences. This isn’t to say that spanking should be the default method of discipline—but its decline is indicative of a broader shift in parenting philosophy.
If the Tiger Mother is right, we might indeed be too soft on our children. Parents must remember that their role is not to be their child’s best friend. That friendship can come later. But when it comes to the foundational lessons of life—responsibility, respect, passion, and success—children need to learn from those who love them most. No parent wants to be the “bad guy,” but the truth is, the real world can be far harsher than mom or dad ever were.
