Are You Good in Bed?
From the moment people become sexually active, their ability in the bedroom quickly becomes an object of insecurity. Sure, no one really talks about whether their bedroom antics are up to par. Half of all women are still faking orgasms, and asking a partner, “Was that good for you?” is often a loaded question that doesn’t get an honest answer. (Except, of course, in surveys.) And if you’ve read any of the recent surveys about sex and marriage, the truth is, you should feel insecure in your marital sexual relationship.
In fact, according to major sex surveys such as the 2010 Durex Sex Survey, most married couples don’t rate their sexual encounters with their spouse highly. A 2010 article in Marie Claire also disclosed that, according to an iVillage survey, 52% of married women don’t feel their husbands are the “best” partner they’ve had in bed and give those kudos to an ex. This same survey also indicated that 80% of women rated their sex lives as predictable, and two-thirds of all married women would rather read a book, watch a movie, or take a nap than sleep with their husbands.
Hello! Is anyone out there listening?
Even with these staggering statistics, only 16% of the women surveyed in this poll said they were unhappy with their sex lives. Sure, it might not be the “best,” and it certainly wouldn’t wake the neighbors, but apparently, women don’t care. At least not as much as men.
A New York Times article, along with David Buss— a leader in the field of evolutionary psychology and author of the book The Evolution of Desire—admits that men are naturally hardwired for sex and are genetically driven to seek more partners and sexual experiences than women do. And this hardwiring may explain why so many men (70% by some estimates) are unhappy with the sexual relationship they have with their partner.
The Question Is: Are You Less Than Average in the Bedroom?
In order to answer, you must first understand what ‘average’ is. For these answers, we turn to the 2010 Durex Sex Survey. According to the survey, married couples have sex an average of 98 times per year. (This is down from earlier surveys.) However, The New York Times reports that the average couple has sex only 58 times per year. No matter how you look at it, that is not a lot of sex. Mathematically speaking, that equals sex 1.7 times per week. For many couples, however, the numbers are even more disturbing, with around 15% of couples having not had sex in six months or more. (Keep in mind, these are ONLY the people who were honest about their sexual behavior.)
Worse, while people mostly agree that sex is important, only 44% of all married couples are happy with their sex lives. And, unexpectedly, people from North America (including the United States and Canada) are having less gratifying sex, less often than most marital unions in other parts of the world. As much as sex has influenced and infiltrated mainstream North American culture, you would think we would be the most sexually adept people on the planet. Not so much, according to the folks behind Durex.
The survey paints the picture that the average sex life today is not much to brag about. What you might not understand is that a good sex life isn’t about the things you might first think. For instance, it isn’t about penile size, breast size, body types, or any of the other over-sexualized theories about what makes a partner good in bed. Having sex with someone who has the ‘perfect body,’ knows every move in the sex manuals, or can go on for hours doesn’t instantly make sex better. Sex doesn’t become poor because a woman has a baby or because a man is having trouble getting an erection. While these ‘environmental’ factors may play a part in the demise of an average sex life, they aren’t the singular reasons why a couple is unhappy in the bedroom.
Good sex is about freedom, trust, respect, understanding, and—most importantly—communication. Communication! Women admit to complaining to their girlfriends about how “boring” or robotic their man is in the bedroom. They aren’t ashamed, in the confines of a friendship, to admit where sex has gone wrong. Men also aren’t fooling themselves into believing that their wives, who will barely lift their head or open their eyes during sex and are simply waiting for HIS orgasm to end the ‘event,’ are the best sex partners they’ve ever had.
The truth is, if you look to your mind and your fantasies, it’s easy to formulate a plan for an above-average sex life. But sadly, few people will ever express their dissatisfaction to their partner. And even fewer will just tell their partner what they want and how they want it, which is truly the easiest way to increase your libido and sexual quality.
If your sex life is below average or you’re unhappy in your relationship, experts suggest you look beyond the simple characteristics of a good sexual partner and try to understand what your relationship is lacking. Not what the sex is lacking, but what the relationship is lacking. What would happen if you expressed your dissatisfaction about the quantity or quality of your sex life to your partner? How would your partner react if you told them you were fantasizing about bondage or some other erotic form of a sexual encounter? Truth is, we all have those thoughts, those perversions, and those fantasies, and yet very few are willing to share them within a relationship.
So what happens? Sex becomes less than average—a chore, something on the to-do list that can easily be bumped by any other task. Then, the whole thing snowballs. Feelings get hurt, sex is compromised, and soon you are stuck in the midst of a below-average sex life.
The intent of this article—of asking whether or not you are less than average in the bedroom—isn’t to shed light on your sexual inadequacies. It is simply to open the door to understanding so that you can improve your sex life. Ask yourself how you really feel about your sex life with your partner. Write down an HONEST, open, and completely revealed list of ten things that you would like to see change sexually between you and your partner. Ten things that would make you feel like your sex life is not below average, or even average, but above average. Have your partner do the same thing. Then swap lists and see what changes you can make on the fly, throwing your inhibitions, hang-ups, and resentments out the window so the two of you can connect sexually. And remember, if you’re not going to present ten honest things, there’s no point in even trying.
Listen. If your sex life is below average, it isn’t because just ONE of you is doing something wrong. It doesn’t mean you are a crappy lover, or that your partner is going to leave you. It doesn’t mean that your partner is going to cheat (at least not at first). But it does mean that the two of you need to take proactive steps—starting now, by forwarding this article to your partner—so you can make improvements. Sex is a huge part of life, from the emotional to the physical—and one aspect that is specifically designed for your pleasure and enjoyment. If you’re not taking advantage of sex in your life and settling for a below-average sexual relationship, you’re only cheating yourself.
