How to Maintain the Other “Ex” Relationships
The two of you broke up. Now you find yourself sitting on Facebook, wondering if all those wonderful people you met through your ex, along with their family members who have become dear to your heart, need to be deleted from your friends list. After all, their loyalties will likely lie with your ex. Are your ex’s friends and family now exes too? But oh, how you will miss them.
The truth is, in the course of a relationship, you accumulate many people in your life because of your significant other. In fact, polls show that one reason many people stay together or take a long time to get a divorce is due to the residual relationships they fear losing. His sister may feel like your own sister, or maybe your mother-in-law or mother-in-law to be became the mother you always wished you had. After a breakup, navigating these relationships can be downright difficult, and deciding whether it’s acceptable to maintain them can be painful. At some point, your ex’s best friend, who is also your best friend, may mention the new relationship your ex is in or the fact that he or she is engaged. Yikes.
So, What Are the Rules When It Comes to Exes?
The rules are—there aren’t any. Helpful, right?
The truth is, you have to decide whether you want these relationships to remain in your life. If you do want them to stay, you must determine if it’s because you want to keep tabs on your ex and torture him or her, or if these people genuinely mean something to you. If the first is true, your best decision is to save face, allow these people to remember you as someone with integrity, and walk away from the ex and the friendships for a fresh start.
For many, “these people” are children. Then what? If you and your ex spent many years together and you had a hand in raising his or her child, is it fair to abruptly end that relationship as well? When it comes to children, the decision must be left to the parent, and you have to respect it, even if it hurts. Initially, trying to stay connected with any children involved can be challenging. However, over time, the child may see you out, and your ex may realize that it’s okay to maintain that connection. But if not, you shouldn’t overstep your boundaries. Make your feelings known, but then resign yourself to the fact that parental consent is key.
As for the other adult friends and family, the situation can be murky at best. During the initial breakup phase, it can be difficult to maintain these relationships due to the natural tendencies and temptations to talk about your ex. However, if you can find other things to discuss and have a genuine connection that exists outside of your past relationship, then go for it. Finding good people in this world whom you love and respect (and who reciprocate) is not something to take lightly. The best advice is to give yourself a little time before having dinner with your ex-mother-in-law-to-be, but don’t cut the cord from the relationship altogether—unless, of course, that is what she wants.
This brings up another point. How do you handle the fact that you felt like you had good friends and extended family, only to find that they have pretty much blacklisted you from their lives the moment the breakup was announced? Talk about painful. You will miss the family outings and get-togethers with friends that you had grown accustomed to. Sadly, there isn’t much you can do about it. Sure, you can talk to them and express that you miss the friendships, but for many people, they won’t be willing to bridge that gap, believing that blood is thicker than water. This is especially true if the relationship ended on bad terms that seem to be your fault. In this case, it’s normal to find that your ex’s extended family and friends will certainly NOT be on your side, which isn’t a healthy situation for you to be in right now. The best advice is to surround yourself with people who support you and hope that others will come around when the pain of the breakup subsides.
Every relationship that you have as a result of a previous relationship is subject to change after a breakup, and the outcome is hardly predictable. Many people have gone on to form fantastic bonds with their ex’s friends and family, while others have been left to navigate a breakup that feels isolating and cold. For obvious reasons, it’s not a good idea to stay in an unhealthy relationship simply because you’re afraid of losing the others.
Remember that breakups are about starting anew. Paving your way through life without the people you’re accustomed to is never easy, especially if you’re in pain. However, to recover and move forward, it is often essential.
You might find that, as time moves on, old relationships can mend on their own.
