I have been married for almost 15 years. Much of what I read, see on television, and hear from friends revolves around how many couples incessantly argue about money. Research often links these disputes to issues of control, entitlement, and feelings of self-worth. The list of psychological reasons for money-related arguments is as deep and wide as the Grand Canyon itself. Marriage counselors spend a lot of time helping couples navigate their feelings about money, often suggesting it is the root source of marital upheaval. I have a different opinion: the reason people argue about money is due to a lack of faith. When I say “faith,” I’m not referring to a religious context, but rather a faith in the abundance of life in general.
Understanding Money Conflicts in Marriage
We enter marriage with the baggage of a lifetime of predisposed notions, emotions, and feelings about everything important in our lives, including money. Just as it is normal to clash with our partners over other issues, it’s equally normal to have disagreements about finances. I won’t deny that it irritates me when my husband spends what I consider a frivolous $200 on a motorcycle part. Likewise, I’m sure he finds it frustrating that I can spend $200 at the grocery store in a single week. However, it’s not really about the money itself; rather, it’s the misguided notion that to be happily married, we must agree on everything, including financial matters. This assumption is impossible, and any marriage claiming to achieve this likely has at least one partner holding back and building resentment. The key is to agree to disagree and remain a partnership despite those disagreements—yes, even when it comes to money.
As long as a marriage is otherwise healthy and neither partner is using money for drugs or other harmful ventures, spending and saving should be approached with the delicate balance of salt and vinegar. There will always be more money, just as there will always be more bills. Each year, as you earn more, you will likely spend more. And every time you save an extra grand together, some emergency—like braces or a broken washing machine—will inevitably arise. That’s when you need to trust that you will always be provided for and stop nitpicking every dollar and cent that comes in and out of your bank account. If you take a moment to reflect on your life, you will probably realize that you have much more than you ever expected, and even during tough financial times, you and your partner managed to navigate through unscathed.
This isn’t to suggest that we should spend haphazardly or decide to quit our jobs and move to the Florida Keys to live with Jimmy Buffett and friends. The point is that as long as a marriage has a standard agreement for saving a certain amount, paying bills on time, and respecting each other’s wants, needs, and desires, the financial aspect of marriage will work out. Money is simply the vehicle through which we attain self-fulfillment. Each person in a marriage has the right to acquire what helps them be their best self, and sometimes that might mean spending a couple hundred dollars on something we deem frivolous. It may also mean that one partner is not consulted before the purchase, or that it isn’t discussed beforehand. The real strength of my marriage is evident when my husband understands, without question, that the $100 massage I had to get was worth my sanity, just as the $100 golf outing he enjoyed was worth his.
Yes, I’d prefer to have that combined $200 back in the bank, but it’s not worth fighting over. We both work hard, respect each other, and live with the faith that there will always be more and that there will always be enough for us. If you understand the laws of attraction, you’ll see why this has always been true.
Money in a marriage can definitely be tricky. For years, I didn’t work outside of raising our children, and I often felt strange buying my husband a birthday present. Although he may have felt that I was spending all his money, there has always been enough respect between us that he never questioned my spending. Even though I pay all the bills, if I checked our balance and noticed $100 was missing, I never felt the need to know what he did with it. From the beginning, we agreed to save a certain amount, pay our bills, and we have both been motivated by our endeavors to improve our financial situation. When I bought a laptop to write all day, it was understood that it would benefit the family. When he partnered with his dad to purchase rental homes, it was also understood to be for our family’s benefit. As long as we adhered to our simple guidelines of saving and paying bills on time, there was never a reason to argue about money. Fifteen years later, that remains true.
Having money in a marriage is largely about having faith—faith that life is not a scary place, faith in each other’s decisions, and faith in the understanding that money can only cause an argument or ruin a marriage if you let it. It may be frustrating to scrape together the last $25 in the bank for something you need, but it’s much easier to laugh about it together and move on, knowing that more is on the way. When we blame each other for financial woes, we often come from a place of fear, indicating that we don’t feel safe in the marriage. When this happens, all the money in the world can’t save you, but laughter, a warm heart, and the gentle understanding that being married doesn’t mean you have to be one can always pull you through.
