Arguing In Front Of The Children

young girl standing with her arms crossed

We are all guilty of it. We act like children in front of our kids when we argue with our spouses. It’s a sad situation when our sons and daughters overhear our immaturity, and at worst, it can emotionally damage them. So why do we do it? Parents often forget that their children are within earshot or assume they’re too young to understand the content of the argument. In reality, it’s the negative tone that children pick up on. Kids learn by watching us; if they see us resolve disputes through petty arguing, they’ll likely adopt the same tactics.

What should we do if we disagree with our spouse while our children are present? Simply disagree and drop the matter for the time being. Put it on hold until the kids are asleep or outside playing. It’s unfair for them to witness Mom and Dad fighting, and they can’t help but take sides. A child should never have to choose one parent over the other. Nothing makes a child more insecure than feeling that Mom and Dad aren’t a united front. If they perceive that division, they may feel pressured to pick a side.

One of the worst topics to argue about in front of the children is how to parent them. Major parenting decisions should ideally be made before a couple has children. Issues like sleeping arrangements, schooling, discipline, belief systems, and allowances are crucial. Failing to establish a game plan and then fighting about differing parenting styles can lead to a lack of respect in your children for both parents. Get it together—and do it away from the kids. If you don’t appear as natural authority figures, then at least act like it. Part of being a good parent is about playing the role well.

Living in a hostile environment has one of the worst side effects: stress. Stress should not be part of a child’s life. Healthy stress—like challenging schoolwork, the excitement of new experiences, or normal life changes—can foster growth. However, the negative stress from an unhappy household filled with conflict can severely affect a child’s physical and mental health. Consider this the next time you fight about whether Junior should take soccer or piano lessons. While you’re at it, ask your child for his or her preference.

Learn to choose your battles. If you tend to nitpick and constantly take inventory of your mate’s faults, the problem may lie more with you than with them. What’s even more alarming is that you may end up parenting your children in the same way. Browbeating and berating a child is a sad and ineffective method of motivation. Worst of all, name-calling during an argument can leave a lasting impression on both a spouse and a child who may not understand that it was said in the heat of the moment.

Is there ever an age when it’s appropriate for a child to witness arguments between parents? Probably not. No matter how old a child is—whether in grade school, a teenager, or even an adult who is also a parent—he or she will find it awkward, uncomfortable, and depressing to hear parents fight.

If you find yourself constantly arguing with your spouse, whether in front of the kids or alone, perhaps both of you need to work on your personalities. Libraries and bookstores are full of self-improvement books that can help you cultivate a more harmonious marriage. Some people treat strangers more kindly than they do their mates. Be nice and respectful to one another; your children will benefit from the peaceful environment in which they are raised. Learn to control your temper, manage your anger, and become more accommodating. You’ll find that you become a more pleasant person to be around in general.

Arguing is often about control. One person insists he or she is right, while the other is wrong by default. Insisting on having your own way all the time is a personality flaw that needs addressing. Being confrontational and nasty can make you unlikable, and it’s dangerous as a spouse or parent. Ask yourself whether hurting everyone’s feelings is worth being right. Wouldn’t you rather be happy and make others happy in return? Reflect on what you can do to become a nicer, more gentle person, spouse, and parent.

If arguing becomes a significant problem in your marriage and you can’t keep it between the two of you, seek counseling. Worse than constantly fighting in front of your children is the possibility of getting divorced. Then, children are forced to choose sides when custody is determined. Few, if any, children of divorce claim it was a positive experience; lasting scars often result from a fractured union between parents. If you don’t want to make your marriage work for your own sake, consider the feelings of your kids. All children deserve to grow up in a peaceful, stable environment!

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