Love is in the Air
For many Westerners, love and marriage are intertwined—often with the expectation that love should come *before* marriage. For them, love is seen as the key to happiness. However, in societies where arranged marriages are the norm, love may take a back seat, at least initially. In these cultures, the focus is often on ensuring a marriage that is stable and enduring, rather than one based solely on romantic love.
Arranged Marriages: Fact #1
In many cultures, arranged marriages are seen as both a social and economic necessity, with the terms decided by the families of the groom and bride. In such arrangements, the idea of whether the bride and groom are in love is not a primary concern. What matters most is the stability and longevity of the marriage.
Point of Clarification:
While love is undeniably important, the absence of romantic love at the start of an arranged marriage does not mean it cannot develop. Love can emerge from day one, or it may grow over time. It’s important to understand that in some societies, both the man and woman have a say in the decision. They can refuse a partner if they feel uncomfortable. Because consent is vital, it is wrong to assume that love cannot—or does not—exist in such relationships.
Arranged Marriages: Fact #2
Arranged marriages are common in countries such as Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Japan, India, Bangladesh, and other Muslim/Islamic nations. These marriages are often referred to as “pragmatic marriages,” a term coined by Sheri and Bob Tritof. They are long-standing traditions in many cultures. While no statistics can definitively prove it, it’s estimated that 60 to 80 percent of arranged marriages in Afghanistan are forced. Despite the lack of consent in these instances, many still succeed.
Point of Clarification:
Unfortunately, arranged marriages are often misunderstood in Western societies, where they are sometimes seen negatively due to a lack of understanding. Not all arranged marriages are forced. Parents in these cultures prioritize their children’s happiness and ensure they are satisfied with the chosen partner. If a child objects to the proposed match, parents will seek out another suitable option. In many modern societies, like India, couples are encouraged to go on dates to get to know each other before marriage.
Arranged Marriages: Fact #3
Despite a few isolated media stories about forced marriages, many arranged marriages are successful. The argument in favor of arranged marriages is that parents, who know their children best, are in the best position to choose a suitable partner. The support of family elders is often seen as a cornerstone for a lasting and strong marriage. As a result, arranged marriages tend to have fewer divorces and separations.
Point of Clarification:
It’s important to be cautious when discussing arranged marriages through the lens of divorce rates. While fewer arranged marriages end in divorce, this could also be due to the social and cultural factors in more traditional societies, where divorce is less common and couples often remain in marriages hoping to make things work.
Arranged Marriages: Fact #4
A common belief is that arranged marriages in Muslim societies are highly restrictive and infringe on women’s personal freedoms. While there are elements of truth to this, it is not entirely accurate. In many Muslim countries, both parties must consent to the marriage, and they must meet each other before the ceremony. However, they are never allowed to be alone unsupervised. A dowry is typically involved (similar to Indian traditions), and four witnesses (two men and two women) are required.
Point of Clarification:
In Muslim traditions, consent is a vital element, though practices like dating, cohabitation, and long courtships are generally discouraged.
Arranged Marriages: Fact #5
Arranged marriages are also practiced in countries like China and Indonesia, and in cultures where Buddhism, Islam, and Hinduism are the predominant religions. Couples in these cultures generally do not date. They may meet briefly before agreeing to marry within a few months, as reported by Del Jones in a February 2006 USA Today article.
Point of Clarification:
Keo Mony, in his writing, notes that in Cambodia, the Buddhist culture places a strong emphasis on the duty of parents to arrange suitable marriages for their children. This practice has survived due to the influence of religion and tradition. In Cambodia, children often feel a sense of duty to repay their parents by fulfilling their marital obligations. The specifics of these arrangements vary by country and religion.
In rural China, arranged and semi-arranged marriages remain common. Although the Chinese government introduced a new Marriage Law in 1980, which set the legal minimum age for marriage (20 for women and 22 for men) and legalized free-choice marriage, arranged marriages still persist, especially in rural areas. Urban centers see more free-choice marriages, where individuals have more freedom to choose their partners.
Arranged Marriages in the West
Though arranged marriages are most commonly associated with non-Western cultures, they also exist in the West, particularly among royalty and aristocracy. For instance, the marriage between Prince Charles and Diana Spencer could be considered a form of arranged marriage. Queen Elizabeth likely screened several women before approving Diana as a suitable wife for her son. Similarly, decades earlier, King Edward VIII had to abdicate the throne because he married a divorced American woman, which was seen as an inappropriate choice for a British monarch.
6 Responses
You just forgot the pressure most people suffer. Parents talk to their children about that when they are kids and teenagers. They talk about honouring parents and not bringing shame to the family. Most will feel the pressure as adults. Also these parents usually consider that everybody wants the same thing they want to.
Since most of this marriage happen in very conservative societies and some see marriage as an obligation, the couple will stay in the relationship no matter what.
Don’t be naive. If love and satisfaction don’t happen, most couple will stick together.
Most Muslim women after decades of marriage, will not say they are happy. They say they should be thankful. Many Indians will talk about karma and not having other options…
This tradition is very common in extremely patriarchal societies, and have bad effects for most women and the societies they belong to.
One of the major points of dispute I have with this article is the definition of a successful marriage through comparison of western to eastern statistics on divorce If a poverty stricken uneducated woman was browbeaten and coerced into an early, unwanted marriage with a man she barely knew, and was raped on her wedding night to produce an unwanted pregnancy resulting in an unloved child, and she remained trapped as a prisoner of social pressure and economic need for many long unhappy years until she finally died, would the fact that there was no divorce put her union into the category of a successful marriage? According to the above statistics you might think the author included her on the plus side of the ledger due to her non divorcing status. If a poverty stricken man reluctantly married a woman to gain her meager dowry and enjoy some scullery maid and drudgery services by day while he uses her body to satisfy himself sexually by night, and he availed himself of her, he may be existing as a married man on paper but is he truly even in a relationship, or, for that matter is he truly even living life? Where would anyone find a western man to gladly endure a lifetime of uncaring disinterested and half hearted sex and yet want to remain married? If a man here in USA thinks his woman is delivering mechanical, non participatory sex, he will want to get a divorce. Men I have known are not going to spend their entire life trapped by social pressure to remain married with a reluctant woman. Men in more educated classes are sensitive to a woman’s dullness of spirit and intellect, her uncaring heart, her cold lack of desire and enthusiasm A marriage is not about unhappily passing all the days of ones life in close confines with a resentful, ungrateful woman trapped by children she never truly wanted who is only remaining married on paper because she has no legal avenue to divorce or because she sees him as a bill paying service. Is that what the author would term a successful marriage when someone is only passing time with you because of legal inability to leave, economic need, social pressure or domestic violence threat? Long term endurance of mediocrity can hardly be equated to marital success… ones lack of ability to stand up to parental pressure would not translate to a happy life. The term “pragmatic marriage” almost sounds like advanced buying and selling, not a relationship. If you have a finite ration of days in your life, you cannot sacrifice everything to satisfy aging parents. Did you ask to be born? No, you are alive because of a choice someone else made for their life, to procreate. Your life was given to you by God, you don’t owe anyone so much that you should to expend your personal ration of time on this earth unhappy on a daily basis. You are a person who deserves happiness. Its your life, live it happily, every day. My personal advice on divorce is much like my advice regarding investing in the stock market- when you find yourself in a losing situation don’t throw good investment after bad. If you have ever known the stock market many people do get into a failing rescue psychology to recoup their losses but wise investors call this a mistake. When divorce, you are wisely cutting your losses because your days of life you spend unhappy are forever gone from you.
I fell in love with an indian man. We were supposed to get married. We were so in love and hapoy. Unfortunately, his family did everything to destroy our relationship and they succedeed. They want a girl for him from the same caste. I feel betrayed. I lost him and I felt like I lost the will to live. I had a breakdown. I’m thankful my family and friends supported me and I am still alive. The only thing I can say is they are cruel. Evil. This system is cruel.
sucks to suck
thats what im saying
This is a very controversial topic.This is also hugely dependent on the culture of the man to which he belongs.A very small divorce rate of divorce in countries like,india,japan & china ,where arranged marriages are/were in vogue is not to be taken easily.There may be causes like subservience of the female for the permanence .But it also does not confirm that all or majority of arranged marriages are successfull or unauccessfull.No reliable statistics are available for the success or failure of marriages ,w.r.t ar/love marriage.
true in am the parties donot know each other & there is no love in between them.Once the parties are are selected by their parents instant love developes berween them.Thereafter strong bond developes between them.The terming of first night as legal rape is not correct.I was married 60 yrs.back.My wife is no more.We never knew each other but fell head over heels in love with each other when we got engaged.We had very happy married life(with usual quota of husband wife quartel).My wife became a cripple in last 20 yrs & was bed ridden for 5 yrs, but i bore her up with utmost love & affection till her last breath.
i am not an exception .there may be cr of couples like me. of course modern modifications are there.The parents take full care of the choice of children,allow them to meet them freely before marriage.Full consent of the parties is taken.
In absence of reliable statistics( it is a gigantic task,almost imposible to have reliable data) it is difficult to say as to which syst is better.Vande mataram