Stan Karp wrote an article about arranged marriages in the Islamic faith that opened our eyes. Although it was lengthy, it held our attention because he not only discussed the subject of arranged marriages but also shared his personal experience with one of his Bengali students. Stan Karp is a teacher of English and Journalism in Peterson, New Jersey, and he narrated his conversations with Jihana (not her real name), a Bengali high school girl who wasn’t sure about attending college due to her family’s plans for her future.
Stan Karp teaches at a multi-ethnic school, and he says that his Bengali students from Bangladesh are among the hardest-working and smartest students he’s ever encountered. Jihana expressed her desire to study medicine and eventually work as a doctor, but it all depended on whether or not she would get married. Initially, Stan Karp felt indignation because he understood that Jihana was implying an arranged marriage. He believed that if she wanted to further her education, that decision should be entirely hers, not dictated by her family.
As Stan mulled over the possibility of talking to her parents about Jihana’s potential, he was reminded of a previous experience with another Bengali student in a similar situation. At that time, he struggled with whether he could go beyond his duties as a teacher. He had to remind himself repeatedly that, no matter how strongly he felt about Jihana’s right to decide her own future, it wasn’t his place to interfere in a personal family matter.
To make a long story short, Stan Karp ultimately decided not to intervene; fortunately, Jihana was eventually allowed to go to college. He also realized that while arranged marriages are regarded in the West as a violation of a woman’s basic rights and freedoms, Muslims do not necessarily view them in that light. The crux of Mr. Karp’s argument was that the West tends to judge arranged marriages from a Western standpoint, often without considering the cultural context in which they occur.
Understanding Arranged Marriages in Muslim Cultures
The issue of arranged marriages was best clarified by Jihana herself when Stan encouraged her to write about the matter. She believed the Western world should approach this subject with more tolerance and respect. She wanted to contextualize the issue within Muslim culture, which has practices and customs that she felt were often misunderstood by Westerners. She asserted that Muslim women were not “slaves” and that not everyone adhered to the same practices. When it came to marriage, there was a range of practices, and in many cases, Muslim women did have choices and varying degrees of input in the decision-making process.
To set the record straight, the Islamic tradition of marriage is not drastically different from Western marriages. First, Islam strongly believes in and encourages marriage. Unlike Catholic nuns and priests, it does not recognize celibacy.
Second, Islam views marriage as a profound and sacred duty, as well as a social necessity, because it is only through marriage that families are built, and the family is the basic unit of human existence.
Third, Islamic marriages are held together by a religious covenant called a “mithaq.” This covenant is to be taken seriously and requires the total commitment and awareness of each party. It rests upon fundamental principles, including:
- Consent of both husband and wife
- A gift from the groom to the bride (in some Muslim traditions called a “mahr” or “mehr”)
- Two male and two female witnesses (Islam does not permit marriages to occur secretly; for marriages to be valid, they must be publicly announced)
The notions of romantic love, courtship, and dating are areas where the Muslim faith differs. Potential husbands and wives must see each other before marrying, as it would be unreasonable to expect partners to enter marriage without at least knowing one another. However, they cannot be left alone. Islam does not permit premarital sex, live-in arrangements, or courtship; there is no “trying it out first” before marriage—it is certainly not like trying on a dress before buying it.
The Islamic approach to marriage, by virtue of being arranged, appears to last longer than many Western marriages, judging by their high rates of divorce. This is why Muslims struggle to understand why the West derides arranged marriages in Muslim cultures when, in fact, these types of marriages often endure. Muslim cultures emphasize the durability of the relationship between man and woman over romantic love. According to one writer, there is an Arabic proverb that says, “the mirror of love is blind; it turns zucchini into okra.”
Admittedly, we’re still trying to unravel the meaning of that proverb. We’ve eaten both vegetables, but we’re not entirely sure how blind love can transform zucchini into okra. Mind you, okra, when cooked, tends to become slimy and mushy.
One thing is clear: Muslim cultures approve of arranged marriages as long as mutual consent exists. By definition, therefore, Muslim marriages are a voluntary and willing union of two people. Without the consent of both parties, the marriage is not valid.
According to the book “Arranged Marriages” (author’s name not legible), Muslim parents have a duty to provide for the education and marriage of their children. This parental duty is said not to be fulfilled unless their daughter is happily married. One component of Muslim marriages is what writers have referred to as the “asking ceremony.” Four years after the asking ceremony, the marriage must be solemnized.
