The societal shame surrounding divorce has lifted. Today, unhappy marriages can have an expiration date; just a few decades ago, they would have lasted for year after unhappy year.
In my practice as a divorce mediator, I see couples who simply chose the wrong partner. They married in good faith, but it didn’t work out.
However, more often than not, I see marriages ending for reasons that could have been avoided with a little attention from both spouses. If your marriage isn’t healthy for you, by all means, seek the benefit of divorce. But if you hope to work through a rough patch and avoid a visit to my office, here are some common modern-day situations that are leading to divorce:
- Mom ditches the stay-at-home dad who stays home even after the kids are in school. It may not be fair or equitable, but it’s happening: women are leaving husbands they perceive as coasting on a full-time parenting gig once the kids are in school. Resentments build up. Avoid this by: getting a job. Men need to work, or their wives will find a man who does.
- Fathers leave mothers who are hyper-focused on their children. Dad can start feeling like a neglected bystander. Someone else might be willing to give him more attention. Avoid this by: remembering that he’s your friend and companion. Let him know the kids’ needs are no more important than his.
- Wives dump husbands with an internet porn addiction. The signs are clear: he’s no longer interested in the real world of flesh-and-blood humanity, and he spends hours alone at the computer. Avoid this by: paying attention to his online behavior and helping him address a porn problem… or fasten your seatbelt for a very strange marriage.
- Someone re-discovers an old love on Facebook. Cheating almost always stems from sheer boredom. The job is unfulfilling, the household chores are never-ending, and there’s rarely any excitement in the bedroom anymore. Isn’t there anything to look forward to? Then an old flame appears on Facebook, and the faithful-but-bored spouse takes some giant steps backward. Avoid this by: carving out time for fun. There are no chores more worthwhile than keeping your marriage and your life filled with light and joy.
- Spouses don’t fulfill all possible roles. We’re all too busy these days to have the friend networks we once did, so we look to our partners to fill many different roles. Best friend, lover, co-parent, joint hobby enthusiast, social partner, business consultant, life financial partner, life planner—no one person should be expected to fill all these positions. Yet we often expect our partners to be everything to us. It’s unrealistic. Avoid this by: getting involved in your life outside the marriage. Reach out to others, form secondary bonds that nurture and invigorate your primary bond with your spouse. Then bring your more fulfilled and interesting self home, and cherish the results!
Robin Graine, JD is a Certified Divorce Mediator, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, a former divorce lawyer and family court hearing officer, and a divorced mom. Since establishing Graine Mediation in Virginia in 2009, she has successfully challenged outrageous divorce lawyer fees and convoluted legal processes in Northern Virginia. Robin has helped hundreds of couples settle their divorces with less conflict at a lower cost while modeling the transition from sad marriage to happy self-reliance.
