Asking for a divorce triggers a whirlwind of emotions. This emotional overload makes it imperative for the spouse about to initiate a divorce to take ten deep breaths and count to ten before proceeding.
If love is a many-splendored thing, divorce is a tangled mess that can choke both husband and wife—physically, emotionally, and financially.
Before asking for a divorce, sit down and assess your feelings. Anticipate the future, prepare answers to potential questions, and decide what you’re willing to settle regarding the division of property, assets, and visitation rights.
When your lawyer says, “No problem, I’ll get you that divorce as soon as I can,” take it with a grain of salt. If they haven’t met your spouse, they can’t know what your spouse is capable of, no matter how many difficult divorce cases they’ve handled. Chances are, it won’t go smoothly, especially if the spouse being asked for a divorce isn’t expecting it.
Before Asking for a Divorce, Think About…
Think back to your wedding day. Remember the hundreds of details you had to manage? The stress, confusion, mix-ups, delayed deliveries, the band backing out at the last minute, the pastor suddenly falling ill, and the ever-expanding guest list? Not to mention the invitations with the wrong ribbon and phone number on the RSVP card, the photographer who ran out of film just when you needed the most important picture, and the cake that had only three tiers instead of the six you ordered?
Planning a wedding is a lot of work. Planning for a divorce is just as demanding, if not more so. While wedding planning brings anticipation and excitement, divorce planning brings dread and plenty of antacids.
Here’s a 10-Point Checklist to Guide You Before Asking for a Divorce:
- Respect for Your Spouse – If you’re planning to ask for a divorce, don’t discuss it with your closest family and friends until you’ve spoken to your spouse. If your spouse discovers that everyone else knew, think about the hurt you’ll cause by being the last to find out.
- Consideration for Your Kids – After your spouse, your children should be the next to hear about the divorce. Decide with your spouse whether to break the news together or if one of you should do it. Consider all the questions they’re likely to ask (e.g., Where will we live? Do we have to change schools? Who will attend our soccer games? What about our summer vacation?). They deserve that much.
- Timing – The right time to ask for a divorce is not when it’s convenient for you. Choose a moment when your spouse is relaxed and receptive, not when they are dealing with urgent work matters.
- Stop the Blame and Accusations – If you’re asking for a divorce, it means you’ve decided to move forward. Don’t worsen the situation by hurling accusations at your spouse. Set aside past resentments so you can have an intelligent discussion when the divorce happens.
- Sending Out Feelers – If you’ve been unhappy for some time, it’s unfair not to say so. Letting your spouse believe that the marriage is going well, only to suddenly declare, “I want a divorce,” is inconsiderate and cruel. A spouse is not a mind reader; both partners can get caught up in their own worlds and may not realize they are hurting each other.
- Write Down Your Wishes – Consider joint property, joint accounts, child custody, and who will move out. If you ask for a divorce, ensure you also ask for what you believe you’re entitled to. Sometimes, the spouse initiating the divorce feels guilty and may try to appease that guilt by renouncing their claims. You will regret this. We’ll say it again: you will regret this. So take what’s yours and don’t be overly generous.
- Forward Planning – Your decision to ask for a divorce indicates you’ve made plans for the future—alone. Are you moving out of town? Where will you live if you decide to move out? How will you break the news to friends and family? How much money will you need for the next 48 months? And regarding the children’s expenses, how will you share the costs?
- Find a Good Lawyer – Consult with your lawyer about possible scenarios. This is one of those times in life when you’ll need a lot of expertise. Be honest with your lawyer; don’t hide anything. If you’re asking for a divorce because you’ve fallen in love with someone else, say so. Don’t be sneaky about it by claiming, “My spouse never appreciated my qualities as a homemaker,” or “My wife spends too much money.” If you’ve found someone else, admit it. There’s nothing in the Constitution that says you can’t fall in love.
- Friendship – Emphasize to your spouse that their friendship is important, especially for the kids’ sake. Show your willingness to remain friends to settle post-divorce issues amicably. Behave like two mature, educated adults.
- Love Is Lovelier the Second Time Around – We don’t mean falling in love with another person. If you’ve found someone else, good for you. But if you’re asking for a divorce due to issues in the marriage while still loving your spouse, take ten deep breaths and count to ten before proceeding. Maybe all you need is dialogue. Perhaps your spouse isn’t aware that the marriage needs retooling. Being physically together but emotionally separated isn’t healthy for the relationship.
We’re waxing poetic again. We love these snippets of wisdom and have two to share about anger. The first is from Aristotle:
“Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way—that is not easy.”
And from Ambrose Bierce: “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”
