Deciding to divorce is a difficult decision. In addition to the obvious bad times, there’s usually a history of good times too—moments neither spouse wants to let go of. There’s also the impact on children, in-laws, family, and friends to consider. Not to mention practical things like name changes, changes in living arrangements, schools, shared holidays, and more. Many people lament that if they had known how hard divorce would be, they might not have gone through with it in the first place. So when couples decide to divorce, there’s often a lot of anger, embarrassment, and resentment involved.

So, What Now?

Whenever I’m working with an individual who is recently divorced or going through the divorce process, I often get asked the same question: What now? What am I supposed to do with my life now that I’m divorced? I usually respond by saying something like this: “What can’t you do with your life after you’re divorced?”

Just because you’re divorced doesn’t mean your life is suddenly meaningless. You still have hobbies, friends, relatives, children, and work (just to name a few) to enjoy. These relationships and activities are important pieces of you, and they help define who you are. You can actively work on these aspects of your life to make them stronger and more fulfilling.

A lot of old friendships and pastimes often fall by the wayside in marriage. There just isn’t as much time for them. And we sacrifice some of them so our spouse can enjoy some of theirs. After a divorce is a perfect time to reconnect with those old friends and revisit those hobbies you haven’t done in a while. These old friends and activities will also help you transition from being married to single.

Get in Touch with Yourself

Perhaps the best thing you can do after a divorce is use the time to get in touch with yourself. Let’s face it: when we’re married, we sacrifice a lot of ourselves—our time, our hobbies, friendships, etc. for the sake of the marriage. This is good. It’s what you’re supposed to do in a marriage. But now that you’re divorced, all that time you sacrificed for your spouse can now be spent on you.

Being divorced is a great opportunity to reclaim that time and invest it in yourself. Explore new interests. Read books you’ve always wanted to read. Try out hobbies you’ve never had time for. Go to that new restaurant with the exotic cuisine your ex-spouse didn’t want to try. Do new things you’ve always wanted to experience but just didn’t have the chance to before. This will help you discover new skills, hobbies, pastimes, and even friends you never knew you had. Most importantly, it will help you learn more about yourself.

The best part about trying new things and exploring who you are is that it makes you a better version of yourself. You become more well-rounded, grounded, and interesting. This strengthens who you are as a person and makes you more appealing to others. And before you know it, voila! You’ll find yourself in a new, improved relationship with someone who finds you absolutely fascinating (they should—after all, you’ve worked hard to improve yourself). This is a great way to start a relationship, and it ensures that it starts off on the right track.

Guest Article By: Aaron Anderson

Aaron Anderson is a therapist and owner of The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, Colorado. In addition to his private practice, he is a speaker, presenter, adjunct faculty, and a regular contributor to various blogs and websites all related to marriage and families. He is also on the Board of Directors for the Colorado Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.

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The truth is that yes, some secrets are acceptable in a relationship. However, some are not. In fact, certain secrets are essential to share with your spouse in order to maintain a healthy and vibrant relationship. Others are really no big deal, and it doesn’t matter if they’re kept secret or not. Unfortunately, there’s no golden rule about which secrets are okay and which secrets aren’t; it truly depends on various factors.

Here are a couple of questions to ask yourself to help you decide whether your particular secrets should be kept or revealed:

Questions to Consider When Deciding Whether to Keep a Secret

1. Would my spouse really care?
If it’s a secret that your spouse wouldn’t care about, then there’s really no point in keeping it a secret. Ironically, it’s okay to keep these kinds of secrets because they wouldn’t care anyway. However, if it’s something your spouse would find important, then it shouldn’t be kept a secret. Keeping something secret that your spouse considers important is a major relationship violation and can undermine trust.

2. Am I keeping this secret to protect myself or my spouse?
Are you keeping a secret because you know you’ll face consequences if they find out? If so, it’s not okay to hide it from them, and you probably shouldn’t have done it in the first place. On the other hand, if you’re trying to shield your spouse from unnecessary worry or anguish, then this kind of little secret might be acceptable. Sometimes, protecting someone from unnecessary hurt is justifiable.

3. How consequential is the secret?
If the secret significantly affects your spouse’s future, they need to know about it. For instance, if you’re facing fines from an old mishap that will impact your financial situation for years, your spouse deserves to be informed. If it affects them financially, socially, or in any way, they need to know to plan accordingly.

4. Would your spouse want to know?
This is perhaps the most crucial question to consider. If your spouse would want to know about the secret, then they should know. Regardless of whether it’s a big or little secret, if they would want to be informed, you owe it to them to share.

These questions can help you decide whether keeping certain secrets is acceptable. Secrets can be tricky in relationships. On one hand, some may be no big deal; on the other, they can be life-changing. They’re also difficult to judge. In your friends’ relationships, certain secrets may be fine, while in yours, the same secrets could be problematic.

Ultimately, little harm comes from transparency, and even the dirtiest secrets can be addressed to foster a lively and vibrant relationship.

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Many couples are challenged to find a healthy sex life after kids are born

Let’s face it: kids take up a lot of your day. After your 9-5, you have to chauffeur them to and from whatever after-school activity they’re attending, help them practice for said activity, assist with homework, ensure they’re brushing their teeth, eating healthy, and more. With all the demands of being a parent, sometimes you just forget about yourself and your partner, which means you often forget about your sex life, too.

Is a Healthy Sex Life Possible After Kids?

With so many demands on adults, I often get asked the question, “Is it possible to have a healthy sex life after kids?” I always respond with a resounding YES! In fact, having kids allows couples to create deeper intimacy in ways they never thought were possible. This ultimately creates a more vibrant, passionate relationship than before their kids were born— even though the sex may be less frequent. So, how do you maintain a healthy sex life and create intimacy after your children are born? Here are a few tips:

Tips to Help You Have a Healthy Sex Life After Kids:

1. Scheduling, scheduling, scheduling. With all the busy things your kids have you doing, it’s good to be handy with a scheduler. If not, things slip through the cracks. And one of the first things to slip is your own needs—and your partner’s. There are plenty of apps and paper planners out there to help. You’re probably already using one or two to remember all your kids’ demands, but don’t forget to schedule time for you and your relationship, too. You don’t have to schedule time for sex (that doesn’t really work), but schedule time for yourselves by planning a date night, a stay-at-home night, a lunch date, etc., and the sex will just naturally happen from there.

2. Do a Date Night. This is probably one you’ve heard a lot from your parents or grandparents, or maybe it was written on a card on your wedding day. Regardless of where it comes from or how often you’ve heard it, it’s sound advice. Couples change over time. The things you liked at forty aren’t the same as what you liked when you were twenty. Doing a date night allows you to stay in touch with each other through all the changes you experience over the years. Date night also lets you keep experiencing new things together. When couples go out to new places and try new things together, they get to know each other in new ways—just like when you were first dating. This keeps the spark alive and builds romance.

3. Remember, sex is an expression of intimacy, not the other way around. One of the biggest mistakes couples make is believing they can only express intimacy through sex. They forget that sex is just an expression of intimacy. What I mean by that is, when couples think of intimacy as more than just sex, they find new ways to be intimate with each other.

When couples broaden their definition of intimacy, even a simple touch on the leg or an otherwise insignificant gift can take on a whole new meaning. With kids around, you can’t spontaneously have sex whenever you want anymore. Nonsexual expressions of intimacy fill in the gaps, make for great foreplay, and lead to even better sexual experiences when they finally happen.

4. Reassure your partner of your physical desire for them. Women’s bodies change after having a baby. Wrinkles, sagging, stretch marks, and other changes can leave women feeling uncomfortable about their bodies and sex.

Men’s bodies also change (though they don’t have as many excuses as women). They stay home more with the baby and children instead of going out with friends to play basketball or exercise.

Because they stay home more, both men and women feel less masculine or feminine, which can make them feel less sexually appealing. Whether your partner is male or female, go out of your way to assure them that you still have a strong physical desire for them. This will help them feel sexier and have a stronger sexual desire.

Having children allows you to get to know your partner in new ways. You get to know them not just as lovers but also as parents and lifelong companions. This can deepen your relationship and your intimacy as you see them grow and learn new things about them. So, while having children may mean you have less time for sex, it also brings new opportunities for growth—and that growth can lead to intimacy, which in turn can lead to better sex.

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