Obsessive passion is another matter. This type of passion occurs when an uncontrollable desire to engage in the activity causes pressure (like those who can’t stop playing video games.) You are doing something you love, but the activity controls you rather than you controlling it. You have to do it and find it difficult to step away from it. In general, being involved with something you are harmoniously passionate about predicts higher well-being and greater resilience. Engaging in obsessive passion activities predicts just the opposite.

In a recent study with his colleagues, Dr. Vallerand looked at another type of passion—the one between romantic partners.  As it turns out, they found couples, too, can be harmoniously or obsessively passionate with one another. Couples who enjoy being harmoniously passionate revel in the process of being together and the aftereffects.  The obsessively passionate couples neither appreciate the process nor the outcome.  They see being together more of an obligation than a delight.

The researchers then asked an interesting question: what happens when partners who have harmonious passion engage in a mutually exciting activity. In other words—what happens when a harmoniously passionate couple loves the activity they are doing together? The short answer is that it strengthens the relationship.

This might not seem like such a significant finding—but it is. The standard recommendation for couples is to improve their relationship is to do more things together. But this new research shows that couples who are obsessively passionate (feeling obligated) engage in an activity they are not harmoniously passionate about the results can be detrimental. Just spending time together isn’t the answer.

Choosing to do something together each of you loves to do is what’s needed. There is a bonus if the activity you both love is exciting. The positive energy that comes from the shared excitement is also part of what will strengthen your connection. Sharing your harmoniously passionate activities with your partner may be one of the most direct ways to improve your relationship.

If you want to make certain you are going in the right direction with your partner here are three recommendations:

1. Make a plan. While spontaneity is always welcome passionate partnering takes a plan. Pick a time you’ll be together do do something special together. The plan itself creates a positive expectation.
2. Generate ideas together. Talk about what you’d like to do that both of you enjoy. Is it going antique hunting? Seeing your favorite band? Hanging by the beach?
3. See if from time-to-time you can add the bonus of doing something physical together. Bike rides, a hike, a walk on the beach. Doing a physical activity together can boost the positivity.

“Honey, want to go bungee jumping again tonight?” Might not sound like the most romantic sentence you can whisper into your partner’s ear—but it just might be the most effective.

Source: https://selfdeterminationtheory.org/SDT/documents/2003_VallerancBlanchardMageauKoesnterRatelleLeonardGagneMacolais_JPSP.pdf

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We often use the terms faith and hope interchangeably, but scientists use the control factor to separate the two. It is the degree to which we believe we can have an influence over what is going to happen that our sense of hope is measured. We have hope we can finish the race in under an hour, and we have faith it won’t rain on Saturday. In other words, uncertainty is part of the formula for hope. There is no need for hope when something is certain, and you don’t need hope when something is out of your control. You don’t have to hope you’ll make it to work on time when you’re at your desk ten minutes before the day starts. Hope begins when you have some doubt.

It can also get turned on when you’ve been frustrated. A setback, an unexpected obstacle, a betrayal, or disappointment are all fertile grounds for hope. There are even those who say the bigger the frustration, the more hope gets fueled. Some famous examples are: Walt Disney fired from the Kansas City Star because he “lacked imagination and had no good ideas;” Carrie by Stephen King rejected 30 times before it was published; Oprah fired from her job as a TV news anchor for being dull; Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig rejected 121 times before it became a classic; Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone rejected 12 times, and J. K. Rowling was told “not to quit her day job.”

Being blocked from our goals can be a source of motivation. When we are prevented from achieving our aspirations, we have to bring our expectations into alignment. This is how we reengage.

The key to understanding how hope works is understanding our perspective. When our expectations have been let down, or we are facing the unknown do we believe there is anything that can be done to change the outcome? If we do, then hope is possible. If we don’t, then this is where we give up, and let go of our goals.

While letting go of control over the outcome can be necessary, and an important part of our growth, it can also be painful. As it turns out, hope isn’t a black and white thing. Part of shifting our perspective and changing our experience of hope is calibration—an adjustment. If we make a correction toward what we expect it can alter how much hope we have. Making adjustments to our goals, bringing them closer in alignment with our ability can lift out feelings of hope.

If we can’t do it in under an hour—finishing the race in as close to an hour as we can keeps us motivated. This works to improve our hope and motivation because it is self-regulation— perhaps the greatest asset we have as human beings.

To feel more hope in your life take the challenge brought on by the uncertainty or disappointment to ask yourself what you can control.  It may not be what you originally expected, but recalibrating your outlook is the best way to keep hope alive.

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