Are you continuously finding yourself in relationships that just don’t feel right? Are you tired of dimming your light to keep your partner satisfied? If you have reached a point where you need to feel valued and you’re tired of relationships taking a toll on your self-esteem, it’s time for you to get to the root of the problem.

Ask Yourself Why?

The first question we need to ask ourselves is, how do we end up in these unhealthy dysfunctional relationships? What is it that draws us to the same type of people repeatedly?

A theory called “operational conditioning” can help us understand why we behave in a certain way when pursuing relationships.

An example of how we condition people to treat us was confirmed by psychologist Ivan Pavlov. Pavlov fed dogs each day, and before feeding them, he would ring a bell. Every time the bell rang, the dogs associated it with eating soon.

Interestingly, after a while, Pavlov would just ring the bell, and the dogs would begin to salivate, even without the anticipation of eating.

That is what we’re doing when dealing with people. Consciously or unconsciously, we condition people how to treat us by how we respond in our interactions with them.

Have you ever wondered why everything often seems too good to be true in the early stages of dating? When it comes to romantic relationships, most men have three main goals. They want to feel respected, needed, and valued.

So, when a man opens the door, buys you gifts, or brings you flowers, he is shaping the expectation that if he does these things for you, you will lower your defenses and he can get his needs validated.

The same principle applies to women. Women respond to men who make them feel safe, special, and secure. When a woman is seeking a man’s attention, she may start to put extra care into her appearance and behaving in a noticeable way (both of which are culturally conditioned) to get the attention she wants.

We are coming to the table presenting two things:

1. An expectation based on the fantasy that we project on the other person

2. Something they do in response to the attention

These interactions cause us to fantasize or imagine we are being validated and satisfied. This validation is the laying the ground for conditioning. The problem begins once we get what we want. That’s when the shift happens. Appreciation morphs into expectation.

What to do when the real “you” starts to show up?

After we get the wanted attention, the script flips. Now the real you (and the real them) show up.

This is the time you need to pay close attention to how you respond to each other’s actions and reactions. The two of you must find a balance between who you are, individually and collectively, at a core level and what’s driving the other person’s expectations. This is where teaching people how to treat you kicks in.

Here’s the tricky part. The brain doesn’t like change. Suppose we allow dysfunctional and self-serving interactions to become our norm. In that case, we accumulate more and more reasons to validate our behaviors which increases the odds that we will stay rather than leave as things become increasingly dysfunctional.

Therefore, it becomes more difficult to tell the truth, to express your opinion, or to leave someone, even when you know that the only thing the relationship is causing you is pain. Hence, operational conditioning.

The only way to escape this cycle is when the pain of change becomes less than the pain of staying the same.

Human nature is to pick and do the familiar. Your brain prefers a familiar environment. The only way to have meaningful and lasting change in anything is through disruption. And that disruption sometimes necessitates telling someone (and that someone is often yourself) that this toxic way of relating to each other is not acceptable.

The importance of knowing yourself.

If you want to teach others how to treat you, you first need to understand yourself. Stop looking for an external solution to an internal problem. Staying in superficial relationships is the equivalent of treating the symptoms rather than getting to the core of the disease.

Here are five simple steps to create a more fulfilling relationship.

1. Put it on paper. The first thing you need to do is write something down about your family history. Think about your family’s dynamics and gender roles and cultural origin.

2. Get a good understanding of yourself. What makes you feel loved and valued? What are the things that trigger you, and what are the things that suit you? What do you need, and how much do you need it?

3. What’s your relationship with wellbeing? Do you love and respect yourself? Do you feel worthy? What were the core beliefs and values?

4. What are your weaknesses? What are some things you know you don’t need to continue doing? The ultimate goal is to be fully honest with yourself and recognize your weaknesses rather than convince someone that you’re never the problem.

5. Don’t ignore the red flags. We often don’t want to believe that the person we have strong feelings for could be hurtful or dishonest. But in most cases, if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

Your goal is to be true to yourself because until you do that, you will either keep manipulating other people or be manipulated by others. You cannot expect someone to come in and rescue you from yourself.

In the end, we must be that which we seek. That means elevating our awareness and migrating in a meaningful way toward a vision we have for our lives and moving away from what we have seen, experienced, and lived.

Dr. D. Ivan Young is a highly sought-after keynote speaker and media personality. Dr. Young an expert on human behavior and building fulfilling relationships, and a Master Credentialed expert on personality type. Dr. Young is an ICF Credentialed Master Certified Coach, Certified Professional Diversity Coach, a National Board-Certified Health and Wellness Coach, as well as a Credentialed Master MBTI Practitioner.

His TEDx Talk on Emotional Intelligence: Using the Laws of Attraction, has received over three million views. He combines his knowledge, vast experience, and exclusive theories to help motivate, educate, and energize any audience, understanding how to connect ‘human to human’ even when addressing the masses. For more information visit www.drdivanyoung.com and www.divanyoung.com.

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Having wealth comes with constantly wondering how can I protect myself from exploitation? After a while, it reaches the point that you’re wondering if wealth and happiness can go together? That’s when you ponder, is it possible to have love and luxury at the same time?

It’s not hard to find great sex (especially if you haven’t been getting any) or someone attractive who validates your ego. But it would be wise to ask the tricky question – are you trading what validates your ego for what facilitates that person’s economic needs? Dating across socio-economic levels is not for the faint of heart.

Although it is rare to see people with both love and luxury, everything is possible if you build the proper foundation!

Let time and pressure reveal all.

Lonely people can be prone to exploitation. Vulnerability is NOT your friend. “Only fools rush in” is more than a great song title. It’s a hell of a warning! Anytime we jump into something because it makes us feel good, we’re setting ourselves up for failure. This is especially true for those who have been single for a long time, the recently divorced or widowed. Being lonely makes even the slightest bit of attention feel great; herein lies the first hurdle – seeing things as truly they are, not what you believe them to be.

Take the time and allow people to reveal who they really are.

Often it’s hard to tell if somebody is with you only because of your money, lifestyle or status. So, before you jump into another in-fatuous relationship, take the time to do some self-reflection. Work on yourself first. Acknowledge where you are in your life and be honest with yourself about who and what you are NOT. Write down what you do and don’t need in a potential mate. Put the needs first, then list the wants. Above all, don’t settle!

When you meet a potential match…

See how the person acts and reacts when the lights go down, and the masks fall off. Pay close attention to the way people show up when:

• they’re angry
• they feel insecure
• they have lack
• they feel threatened
• they’re successful

Things to consider…

Is the other person sincerely living and functioning in ways that align with your core values and beliefs? Do your lifestyles really match? Does this person seek self-improvement and self-awareness on their own, or are you their catalyst for change?

What happens when you’re not around? If the person is doing any of the aforementioned, only time can validate that they are not merely putting on a show for you.

Don’t ignore the red flags.

Learn to spot red flags, first yours, then theirs.

Suppose you live an isolated lifestyle, have a limited social network, are highly introverted, or tend to surround yourself with people who validate you rather than hold you accountable. In that case, this is the right moment to have a deep and honest conversation with yourself.

In the same breath, if you never know what the other person wants. Suppose they become inaccessible when things don’t go their way. To get back into their good graces, do they make you feel guilty until you give them what they want? Do they tend to attack you in ways that depreciate your self-esteem? If any of those things happen, it’s time to stop looking at the person through rose-colored glasses.

Pay attention to how they talk to and about other people. This includes their exes, housekeepers and waiters, friends and especially family. If someone backstabs their “friends,” siblings or acts disrespectfully towards their parents, that says a lot about their character and how they treat others.

How to know if you’re ready for a relationship? 

When you get into something, make sure you’re ready for it. Timing is everything. This means taking out your own emotional trash before getting into a relationship.

Hire a credentialed life coach to get clarity about your life; deal with past traumatic issues that are still impeding your day-to-day life by seeing a licensed counselor. Put mildly – get your shit together before bringing someone into your life. Make needed lifestyle modifications like eliminating chemical dependency or addictive behaviors, and start practicing more self-care.

It certainly wouldn’t hurt to become spiritually grounded. These simple changes position you to have a more meaningful, healthy and productive quality of life.

The goal of any healthy and functional relationship is to compliment your life, not complete it.

Work on yourself. Only a fool rushes into anything. There is nothing wrong with being friends first. Lasting relationships are built on great friendships.

Take Away

Don’t date out of desperation. From day one, have real, no BS conversations. Attack issues in the early stages of dating; those difficult conversations can spare you a lot of heartbreak down the road. Remember – People say what they mean, and they mean what they say. Especially when they try to put humor around it.

Never sacrifice yourself for another person. You may offer some time out of your schedule or compromise and do things for the person you like or love, but anytime a relationship causes you to be anything other than authentically you, it’s not worth it. Time is precious, don’t waste yours.

Dr. D. Ivan Young is a highly sought-after keynote speaker and media personality. Dr. Young an expert on human behavior and building fulfilling relationships, and a Master Credentialed expert on personality type. Dr. Young is an ICF Credentialed Master Certified Coach, Certified Professional Diversity Coach, a National Board-Certified Health and Wellness Coach, as well as a Credentialed Master MBTI Practitioner.

His TEDx Talk on Emotional Intelligence: Using the Laws of Attraction, has received over three million views. He combines his knowledge, vast experience, and exclusive theories to help motivate, educate, and energize any audience, understanding how to connect ‘human to human’ even when addressing the masses. For more information visit www.drdivanyoung.com and www.divanyoung.com.

The post Not For The Faint of Heart: Dating Across Socio-Economic Levels appeared first on .