You are grieving. And it will take time to heal.

You don’t want people to feel sorry for you. You don’t expect constant attention. What happened — happened. But it also feels lonely when people seem to forget.

And perhaps even worse, if they seem to expect some kind of miraculous recovery — and then give you the message you should get it together.

It’s a life skill to move through pain. Grief or sorrow comes in waves and one hopes certainly that each wave decreases in force as time goes by. Yet there are times on this journey that you can get hit with a wave that’s even stronger than the first few. You don’t want to define yourself as a victim and allow the difficult things in your life to totally define you.

But it takes time for the waves to recede.

Why is it that people get so itchy for you to move on?

It seems more than simple self-consciousness or feeling awkward because they might have to ask a private question.

Confronting Fear…

It’s fear. People shy away from reality– that the unthinkable can happen. It’s frightening to wonder if their own life could get out of hand — that they might be faced with a change that’s unwelcome, an illness that could be life-threatening, or a loss that feels unbearable.

So, they back off. They want to believe you’re doing just fine — that whatever loss you’ve experienced is manageable — that your life isn’t careening off the scale.

Three thoughts on handling your grief and loneliness

Here are some ideas to consider.

1. Appreciate the people who do check in and allow yourself to talk with them openly.

When you’re hurting a lot, it’s easy to isolate, to not want to show your grief. You can often try to hide what you’re going through or convince yourself that it only makes it worse to open up to someone. Talking with a good friend who you trust and that knows how to be supportive can ease the loneliness. Your true friends want to be there for you — it’s an honor for them — and it’s what you would do it in return.

2. Use distraction when you need it but know there will be a time when it’s important to work through your loss.

Often, there is a stage in grief when you fill your life with things that will take your mind away from what has happened. You’re scared of becoming depressed. You go see friends, you throw yourself into work, or you become involved in a relationship. You say yes to every invitation you receive. You’re exhausted and you may know what you’re doing. But you’re compelled to do it.

In time, know it’s better to stop and face what’s waiting for you. It can feel more lonely to run away than to stand still and feel the pain.

3. Realize it’s not that people don’t care — they may not know what questions to ask or whether you’re open to sharing. 

People may fumble around and not know what to say but be attempting to reach out. You can let them know you’re okay with talking about it, if indeed, you are. You can look for support groups in your area or now, Facebook groups abound with support for different issues and losses. Those people who are facing what you are, or have done so in the past, can offer a kind of wisdom that others cannot.

If it’s not a good time to talk about it, or risk revealing vulnerability, you can always say, “Thanks for asking, but I can’t talk about it right now.”

And to those who may feel awkward in approaching someone who’s grieving, it’s okay if you stumble around a bit. You asked. You let them know you care. You let them know you remember.

And they won’t feel quite as lonely because you did.

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“He’s been gone two months and three days.” Then it became, “Five months and 17 days.” After several months, I lost count. The new normal had hit. He was creating new relationships and new spaces to call home.

His dorm room. An apartment. The fraternity house. Even the entire college campus.

I wrote about it in a post called “Separate Houses“. When I read it now, I sound a little pitiful. But that’s how it felt for a time. Not long, thank goodness.

I saw a fairly new empty nester this week in my office. She was trying to figure out her own new normal. Her college-age daughter would breeze in for the weekend but spend all her time catching up with friends. Yes. She was home. Yes, mom knew it was her job to step aside. But darn it. She didn’t get the time she wanted with her daughter. After all,  she no longer got to greet that bedhead kid groping her way down the stairs to get a cup of coffee first thing every morning. She didn’t hear the back door slamming after basketball practice: “What’s for dinner?” She’s not getting to enjoy the small glimpses of the child that’s still within the almost grownup she sees before her.

And she missed those moments. A lot of parents miss those moments.

How do you talk to your now emptied child about this new normal? How do you express the kind of time you’d like with her without coming across as needy? What are healthy boundaries?

As I searched my own experience, I discovered three helpful changes in my thinking and behavior.

1.Avoid making assumptions about what time together will be like.

You might have all kinds of ideas about how you’d like a weekend or a holiday to be spent. But your returning child will probably have her own ideas. If you make assumptions, you’re more than likely going to be surprised, and maybe even get hurt. The late teenage years and early twenties aren’t the most empathic of times, and your child may be focused on her independence. She’s not living at home anymore and has had the experience of going and doing whenever she wanted. Coming home for her – maybe even coordinating activities with you – isn’t something she’s used to.

2.Communicate before your time together about your own expectations or desires and theirs.

“We know you’ve got lots of people you want to see. How about we plan to have Saturday brunch, just us? Then the rest of the weekend is up for grabs.” Or, “I’d like to ask that we go as a family to visit Grandma. When could we work that out?” It’s not that those plans are wedged in concrete. You can remain flexible. But you’ve asked for something reasonable. They can as well. These agreements honor the parents, who want a little “alone time” with a child, as well as your child who has others to consider.

Sometimes the shoe is on the other foot, and parents may be busy as well. If you’re communicating and compromising, things will go much more smoothly.

3.Realize you’re practicing a skill you’ll need for the rest of your life – sharing your child with the world and letting go.

If all goes well, and parents want good things for kids, then life will become more complicated. There’ll be a wife or husband, in-laws and babies. How they spend their time will no longer be completely in their control. Just like high school assignments could make or break a weekend, more adult responsibilities will take time – just as they did in your own life.

Letting go is an ongoing journey. But these three ideas can help clear that path and avoid miscommunication and conflict.

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If you recently had a baby, your neighbor smiles and asks, “Are you getting any sleep yet?”

If your mom’s chemo has ended, your friends want to know, “What did the doctors say? How’s she doing?”

But what If you’ve spent the last three or four months struggling with getting out of bed? What if you’re doing well to get one project out of the way at work, when there are five more to take its place? What if you felt no joy in hearing your kids’ laughter?

What if you were having a bout of depression?

Generally, people don’t know what to say, so there are no questions. Because your illness is mental, it’s as if it can’t be talked about.

Add invisibility and loneliness to what those with depression will feel.

Slowly, maybe with therapy, maybe with medication, you can begin to feel better. Maybe you managed to start running, although every morning you had to force your feet to hit the pavement. Maybe you started trying to focus on what you had control over and came up with an active strategy to heal. Maybe you sifted through feelings from old wounds that had never healed. Maybe you cried, worked through anger, kept a journal, or became more mindful.

And your depression began to lift.

If you suffer from depression cycles, you know it will be back. You have to manage it – watch for the signs of its return.

But for now, it’s better.

It’s hard work to accept and work with depression. You’re trying to use your mind – the part of you that’s not functioning well – to fix itself. It’s a bit like trying to run on a broken leg in order for it to heal. But that’s what you have to do.

Some people have the understanding to support you. Many don’t.

People don’t want to believe that something unforeseen, something they can’t control, can take over their life, and rob them of contentment and pleasure.

Just ask any woman who’s struggled with postpartum depression. She’ll tell you that there is very little to no support for a new mom who’s depressed – who can’t seem to bond with her new baby – who wants to scream – who feels dead inside. Instead, she hears, “Oh, you’re just tired.” Or, “It takes a little time to adjust.” Or, “It’s your hormones raging.”

Add discounting and minimizing to her depression.

Finally, celebrities are talking about PPD openly. And it seems to be helping raise awareness and acceptance.

Ask someone who discovers they have bipolar illness, and have to learn how to manage mood swings, racing thoughts and seemingly sudden drops into feelings of emptiness and despair. They learn to make sure they get enough sleep, take medication, watch their stress levels, in order to try and manage their illness. What kind of support do they receive? Are they seen as somehow damaged? Less than?

Many times, yes.

Add shame to an illness that they never asked for, nor did anything to create.

So, if you don’t experience depression, how can you be supportive instead of adding loneliness, minimization and shame onto those that do?

You can say things like, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through. But I’m here to listen.” Simple things really.

You can suspend judgment. You can try to learn. You can confront your own fear of life getting out of control.

And if you do experience depression, you can openly talk with those you trust, who are trying to understand and confront whatever shame, discounting or loneliness you may have been feeling.

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