You would never know that one of you is in an abusive marriage.

But which one? Here’s a hint: She’s the one silently thinking “tells me I’m worthless and makes me sleep on the sofa.”

25% of all women in the US are in an abusive marriage or partnership. And most of time, there are no visible traces of the abuse.

There was a time in my life when I was the one secretly in an abusive marriage. I was the one going through the motions of being happily married, when actually I was being psychologically, emotionally, financially and verbally abuse.

I had no idea how unhealthy my marriage was. I knew there were issues, but I assumed all marriages were like mine. I’d suffered a slow-drip of erosion to my self-esteem for so many years that I couldn’t see how abusive the relationship had become. On top of it, I was too ashamed to give details to anyone, even my family or closest friends, so I had no one to hold up a mirror to show me what my marriage really looked like.

So here I am, holding up a mirror for you. Here’s a chart of characteristics of an abusive marriage versus a healthy marriage. How am I an expert? Well, aside from being a certified life coach and transformational divorce coach, I personally have experienced one of each.

If your marriage is healthy, then PLEASE share this with a friend who you think may be in a toxic situation, even if she can’t see it herself. You’ll be doing her a huge favor — maybe even saving her life. I will never forget the friend who saved mine by holding up a similar mirror for me.

How many of these characteristics are true for your marriage:

In a Healthy Relationship, Your Spouse:

1. Communicates regularly and effectively
2. In an argument, sticks to pertinent issues that are relevant
3. Always says “I’m sorry,” even when not solely responsible
4. Empathizes with your feelings
5. Consults with you on all household decisions
6. Puts your needs/feelings/desires above his
7. Wants to do things together because he enjoys your company
8. Wants you with him to share experiences
9. Wants you to have control of your own money
10. Recalls past events accurately
11. Embraces your family

In an Abusive Relationship, Your Spouse:

1. Keeps you constantly guessing/off guard
2. In an argument, brings up things from the past that aren’t relevant
3. Never takes responsibility, even when it’s his fault
4. Ignores your feelings
5. Makes household decisions without conferring
6. Puts his own needs/feelings/desires above yours
7. Wants to do things together to make things easier for him
8. Wants you with him to use you as a human shield
9. Insists on controlling your money
10. Twists past events
11. Disparages your family

So how does your marriage rate? If there are more characteristics on the “abusive” side than on the “healthy” side, then it’s time to do something about it. If talking to your spouse doesn’t work, then get some support.

A good first step would be to visit The National Domestic Violence website: https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/, or reach out to family, friends or an expert in the field.

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