Regardless of the reasons for your divorce, the process itself is incredibly challenging, often stirring up unexpected emotional reactions. Maintaining civility during a divorce is one of the toughest aspects of ending a marriage, yet it’s also one of the most enriching ways to navigate the situation while keeping your sanity intact.
For couples with children, the importance of maintaining a civil attitude is clear. Any deviation from this can easily reflect in the children involved. When one parent speaks negatively about the other, it often comes back from the children, highlighting the damage caused by emotional outbursts that degrade family members. Being civil during a divorce should be a goal for everyone involved.
The challenge of maintaining civility during such times is that it can often feel forced. You might be grappling with feelings of guilt, shame, anger, and even fleeting thoughts of rage. These emotions are entirely normal, whether the marriage ended due to betrayal or simply ran its course. Humans experience complex emotions that can lead to dark and scary places when they are hurting. It’s tempting to vent these feelings towards your soon-to-be ex-spouse, especially when you can easily list reasons for your anger and disappointment in what was supposed to be a “happily ever after.” But why should you be the one to practice civility?
Because, in many ways, maintaining a civil demeanor will help you get through the process faster and with less damage. You have every right to your feelings, but you don’t have the right to project your resentment onto others. While it’s perfectly acceptable to have in-depth conversations with friends, many people going through a painful divorce find that temporary therapy can be a more productive outlet for sorting through their experiences. Those who enter counseling often become more honest about their mistakes and can move forward more effectively than those who rely solely on friends, who may feel compelled to protect their reputation.
For some, being civil during a divorce is about taking the high road—a worthwhile reason in itself. One day, you may look back on your behavior and hope to have few regrets. Sometimes, simply refusing to let someone else lower your standards can keep you on the path of civility. For others, however, the emotional turmoil that comes with every conversation and interaction can make it feel nearly impossible to remain calm and rational. That’s understandable, but remember that presenting yourself poorly only gives your spouse more ammunition to use against you in court—especially when children are involved.
Ultimately, your ability to engage in civil discussions will lead you to peace. While it may be a long and arduous road, you can walk it with your head held high if you manage to keep your tongue in check. Each time you refrain from attacking or retaliating, you demonstrate a deeper understanding of your divorce’s reality. In arguments, we often blurt out the first hurtful remark that comes to mind without considering the potential lessons in the exchange. Although you may not enjoy being attacked or hearing negative things about yourself, maintaining a sense of fairness can help you view the situation through a clearer lens. This perspective is a significant gift to yourself. As painful as divorce can be, it offers valuable lessons that need not be repeated. By being civil during a divorce, you can grow through one of the most challenging times in your life. It enables you to negotiate better terms, and often you’ll end up with a more favorable outcome if you present yourself as a calm, level-headed individual simply asking for what is fair. Women, in particular, face the stereotype that emotions equal hysteria, even in today’s society.
Despite your best intentions and determination, you are still human. If you slip up and find yourself hurling some truly terrible insults, allow yourself some grace. Identify what triggered your reaction, and find an alternative way to cope—because it’s bound to happen again. If you were out of line, take responsibility and apologize, just as you would expect your spouse to do in a similar situation. Being civil during a divorce comes with significant challenges, and you’re likely to falter at times. Know yourself, forgive your mistakes, and learn from this painful experience. Divorce can be a growth opportunity, and if you view it that way, you’ll find it easier to hold your tongue when necessary. You’re less likely to repeat the same mistakes later in life if you take the lessons to heart. If you have children, you are providing them with a powerful lesson in forgiveness, self-control, and inner strength. There is no greater gift during this difficult time.
