Have you ever noticed that most people forget to mention to their spouses that they ran into an ex-lover at the grocery store? That is, until David Jr. blurts out during dinner that “daddy was talking to the lady in the tight clothes that he knew from a long time ago!” (There goes sex for the night.) Daddy’s face turns red, feeling guilty for no real reason (except, maybe, his thoughts), and mommy is upset too. After all, if it really was no big deal, then why didn’t daddy mention it, right?
The Challenge of Being Friends with Past Lovers
One of the simple truths of marriage is that being friends with past lovers is not an easy thing to navigate, especially when you’re in the thick of married life. Even if spouses act like they don’t care, chances are, they do. That “friendship” with your ex could become trouble for your marriage at some point.
First, you need to be realistic about which past lovers you choose to be friends with. If the guy you used to meet (before your husband) for some “afternoon delight” is suddenly your favorite person to hang out with during your free time, it’s natural for your husband to feel awkward. If you’ve shared any intimate details about your past relationship, he may have legitimate reasons to feel uncomfortable. Similarly, if your ex-girlfriend, the one you dated for three years before marrying your wife, is suddenly your favorite Facebook friend, your wife has reason to be concerned.
Even when these friendships start out innocently enough, it’s difficult to remain just friends with people you’ve shared a certain level of intimacy with. And forcing your spouse to accept this dynamic can be even more challenging.
Reunion events, such as high school reunions, can also cause upheaval in a marriage. While the jealousy over someone you dated twenty years ago may seem misplaced, many married couples like to think—or fool themselves into believing—that they are their spouse’s “one and only.” Of course, not all couples feel this way. Some are genuinely open to being friends with past lovers and don’t feel threatened by them. If that’s your situation, go ahead! Just understand that one sign of trouble in your marriage could easily send your partner running into their ex’s arms, even if just for a night.
For most people, however, it’s probably best to avoid close friendships with those they’ve slept with or dated in the past. There will always be lingering suspicion in your spouse’s mind about what you really talk about or think when you’re with your ex. And frankly, you’ll likely also wonder what might have been—whether you admit it or not.
One of the reasons past lovers should remain in the past is because something once prohibited them from becoming your future. Years after a heart-wrenching breakup, it’s easy to forget the pain, but there’s a real reason you aren’t together anymore. Keeping this person as a friend is often a “have your cake and eat it too” situation, and that rarely works well once you’re married. This isn’t to say you can’t have friendships with people of the opposite sex, but it’s probably best to steer clear of past lovers.
Navigating Jealousy and Marriage
If your spouse seems open to the idea of you being friends with an ex, there’s a good chance they are lying to save face. No one wants to be seen as irrational, jealous, or overly suspicious in the eyes of their partner. This is why they might act as if they don’t mind and may even participate in the friendship. However, there will always be an underlying awkwardness that can threaten the marriage. It’s one thing to occasionally run into someone from your past, but it’s something entirely different to actively seek out and maintain a friendship with someone you’ve been romantically involved with.
Instead of putting your spouse in this uncomfortable position, it’s more respectful to let your past remain in the past. Maintain only occasional and unsubstantial contact, preferably in a setting where your children can witness it—just like in the grocery store.
Marriage is difficult enough. When the heat of passionate love settles down and you’ve established a family and a home, memories of the past can trigger regret. While it’s easy to perceive someone from your past as a “friend” who doesn’t share the burdens of life responsibilities, pursuing that friendship too actively can create unnecessary stress for your spouse and your marriage.
While some may claim that avoiding past lovers is shallow or mean-spirited, being friends with ex-lovers isn’t the best idea for most happily married couples who want to stay that way. You might argue that marriage should be based on trust, honesty, and overcoming childish insecurities. But in practice, a triangle between your spouse and your past lover often ends up with one person hurt—usually your spouse.
