Being Honest with Your Spouse

wife hugging her husband

Honesty is undoubtedly an integral part of living a fulfilled, accomplished, and moral life. The principles of honesty are among the first things that children are taught, and honesty is encouraged in nearly every aspect of life. Thomas Jefferson once said, “Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.” However, the challenge with honesty is that, in its raw form, it represents a search for truth, and that truth can vary greatly from person to person.

When it comes to being honest with your spouse, it is an important aspect of marriage. But there are two kinds of honesty: the momentary kind and the deeper honesty that stems from a lifetime of experiences. Each of us harbors many secrets, and undeniably, some should not be shared, even with a spouse. Life teaches us that, no matter how intricately we know another person, we can never fully know anyone but ourselves. Consider the many stories of individuals whose lives seemed full of integrity and honor but were hiding sinister truths. It appears that honesty is accepted as long as the truths we share are palatable. The entire concept of honesty can be bewildering.

Let’s talk about your spouse. Few partners want to admit when their spouse annoys them or to say they look unattractive, nor do they typically blurt out that they are no longer attracted to them. Spouses often refrain from sharing their innermost thoughts and desires, especially when they know their honesty could hurt their loved ones. In some light, this can be viewed as a form of lying. There are white lies—the ones we tell to protect others from unnecessary pain—and there are lies we tell ourselves to shield us from fear. Honesty with others is closely tied to being real with ourselves. When we feel ashamed of our behavior, we lie—to ourselves and others—to feel better. Millions of couples navigate marriages where love exists, but honesty is approached with caution.

Being honest with your spouse often revolves around trust. There must be a certain level of trust that, by speaking the truth, we won’t feel judged or ridiculed. Since marriage allows us to understand and know our spouse better, we can often anticipate their reactions. If we believe our spouse will react negatively or that it may lead to an argument, it might be wiser to share that truth elsewhere. Of course, marriage requires honesty regarding life’s responsibilities, love for one another, commitment, and long-term goals. No spouse wants to suddenly discover that the other has been hiding $40 worth of debt. Yet in everyday life, honesty with our spouses may be overrated. Honesty with ourselves, however, is vital for a fulfilling life!

Many spouses ask questions they may not truly want the answers to. Questions like, “Does this make me look fat?” or “Do you think John’s wife is prettier than me?” serve little purpose. In these cases, honesty may do more harm than good. On the other hand, questions like “How was your day?” or “Are all the bills paid?” deserve honest responses. The ancient proverb, “If you really want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to,” rings true.

The difficulty of honesty is not solely about being truthful with others. Humans are complex thinkers, and many thoughts and feelings are not meant to be articulated, not even to our spouses. There’s a preconceived notion that married couples share countless hours of deep conversations when, in reality, they often spend time figuring out how to be who they want to be while remaining loving partners. Many wives don’t mention shopping sprees, just as many husbands forget to mention a casual beer with coworkers. Would honesty improve the relationship, or would it simply create more issues? Neither scenario is likely to break vows or destroy love or commitment. In fact, these small omissions may even prevent unnecessary arguments. If an individual can maintain their integrity without disclosing every truth, then perhaps there is no lie. Marriage should enhance our lives, not intrude upon our private moments or thoughts.

Over time, being honest with your spouse becomes easier. In the beginning, each partner may have habits that annoy the other, leading to withheld truths. However, as love persists and couples realize they will likely be together forever, they start to focus on their own lives and pursue what they want. This shift often allows couples to be more honest, as the fear of judgment diminishes. The attitude becomes, “Take me as I am, or don’t take me at all.” At this stage in the relationship, honesty flows more freely because trivial questions and unrealistic expectations fade, allowing couples to settle into a more contented marriage.

Dave Von Ronk aptly described honesty in its true form when he said, “Honesty is the cruelest game of all, because not only can you hurt someone deeply, but you can also feel self-righteous about it.” In a marriage, this approach does not work. While being honest with your spouse is essential for a healthy relationship, maintaining respect for feelings and differences is equally important. A marriage can survive through a web of innocent white lies that don’t threaten the bond, but once harsh truths are unleashed, the emotional fallout can be expansive and irreversible. Since truth can be subjective and often changes based on perspective, it may be wise to hold off on sharing certain truths until the time is right—especially with our spouses.

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