It’s difficult to pinpoint the exact moment when “it” actually begins. Some mothers say it happens with the pre-teen hormones that coincide with menstruation. Others believe it starts much earlier. Regardless of when it begins, there will come a moment in both you and your daughter’s lives when you realize, simultaneously, that BOTH of you are women.
Mothers dream of the day when they can talk to their daughters woman to woman. The problem is that just as your daughter is becoming a woman and may want to confide in you about the intimate details of her life—from menstrual cramps to boys—she will also expect you to confide in her. As your daughter gets older, she begins to understand that you are a sexual being (after all, how did you have her?), and she may have questions for you about your past. She may ask you about alcohol, relationships with boys, and other things you did (or didn’t do) when you were her age. These moments can be uncomfortable, but how you handle them and how you both communicate about such things can play a significant role in how well you get along and connect during this transitional time in life.
Building Trust and Communication with Your Teenage Daughter
Being open, honest, and fair with your teenage daughter is not always easy. If she comes home from a date and tells you about a sexual experience she had with her boyfriend, your immediate instinct will likely be to protect and shield her. If she asks when you had sex for the first time, you may want to lie, especially if you feel it was too young in retrospect. If she asks your opinion on a relationship issue with a boy or a friend, you may find it difficult to remain unbiased because the “woman” asking is your daughter.
One great book to get you started understanding this phase with your woman-child is Dear Mom, Everything Your Daughter Wants You to Know But Won’t Tell You. As a parent, especially in the mother-daughter relationship, it’s common to think your daughter tells you everything. However, just as you kept secrets from your mother about the most private aspects of your life, your daughter is doing the same. This book can help you reconnect with your own younger years and provide insight into opening up conversations that are honest and open. The bottom line is that your daughter doesn’t need or want to be judged. But as a parent, hearing that your teen is sexually active or engaging in something you don’t approve of can make it difficult to remain neutral.
Your response during these conversations, especially the first few, will set the tone for how open and honest your daughter will be with you in the future.
Pediatric psychologists strongly believe that mothers and daughters should share a bond of honesty and openness. However, they warn mothers to be good listeners above all else rather than trying to be a “cure-all” for every problem in their daughter’s life. If a teen faces a distraught parent after being honest (which should be seen as a cry for help or a conversation), they may not return to the discussion in the future.
Linda Perlman Gordon, co-author of Too Close for Comfort, believes that while mothers and daughters should confide in each other, mothers should avoid becoming their daughter’s best friend. Regardless of how old your daughter gets, it’s hard to see her as a capable, independent adult. The “mother as a best friend” dynamic can rob your daughter of the opportunity to make decisions on her own and to learn from her own mistakes. While being a mother’s confidant and a source of unconditional love is a wonderful gift, being her “catch-all” substitute best friend is not. Best friends should be of similar ages and share life experiences that mothers and daughters don’t.
When the time comes and your daughter starts asking about your past and teenage years, honesty may not always be the best policy. Children often forget that parents are adults and sometimes think, “what is good for the goose is good for the gander.” In other words, if a mom is dating and having sex outside of marriage, a teenage girl may feel desensitized to the morality of doing the same. Similarly, mothers should be cautious about revealing too much from their own past. While sharing life experiences may make you seem more credible, your teenage daughter might not see it that way. Instead, keep your personal details vague and focus on listening to what your daughter is willing to share. There’s no real benefit to her knowing when you had sex or whether you smoked marijuana. What might seem like a “wise teacher” approach may actually have the opposite effect.
If your daughter is talking to you, count your blessings. The next step is to listen—not only to what she’s saying but also to what she’s not saying. Reflect on your own teen years and thumb through old diaries. This will help you understand what she needs from you and what from your past might be helpful for her to know. Being a good listener, without jumping to conclusions or overreacting, will allow you to be fair and remain open when your daughter needs you most. Even though both of you are “women” now, sharing some common experiences, the truth is that you are at completely different points in life. Above all, you need to be her mother.
