If you have ever watched an episode of The Bachelor or The Dating Game, you can tell that few people truly master the art of ‘being yourself on a date.’ Most people tend to put on fake smiles, giggle and laugh a little too loudly, play with their hair a little too much, and do everything possible to hide their flaws—whether it’s a blackhead or the inability to hold down a job. What a complete waste of time!
Obviously, if you are dating someone, you’re looking for a connection. However, if you are unable to be yourself or try to put on airs to avoid the other person getting to know the real you, you might as well just stay home.
Sadly, the world of internet dating and casual hook-ups has made it even easier for people to live under false pretenses and make others think they’re someone they aren’t. Surely, you’ve heard stories about married people posing as singles, or people lying endlessly on profiles, even posting false pictures to lead others on. The whole thing seems rather ridiculous. The same technology people use to hook up can be used to investigate the real you, so what’s the point?
Being Yourself: The Key to Healthy Dating
The first date is often like a job interview. Just as you might not reveal to a potential employer that you’re a smoker, it’s fairly normal, and probably wise, to withhold a few things from the person you’re dating. For example, rambling on or being as comfortable with someone on a first or second date as you are with a sibling might seem a little over the top. However, outright lying or deceiving will only make you look bad in the end. The goal is to leave a good impression without leaving a false one. If you’re not an undercover psycho, what’s wrong with being yourself?
Relationship experts advise the dating population to be honest and unafraid to divulge some personal details. Talking about your interests and being yourself on a date—without compromising your values or opinions—is essential for maintaining your self-esteem. It also helps you save time and weed out those who aren’t compatible with you, sooner rather than later. Does this mean you should immediately dive into political or religious debates? Not necessarily. However, if you notice that the person you’re dating has strong opinions that conflict with your value system, there’s a good chance the relationship won’t work in the long run.
Now, if being yourself on a date means bringing along undesirable, rude, or questionable behaviors, you might want to hold off for a while. Just because you love wearing sweatpants and skipping showers, or overeating at dinner, doesn’t mean it’s appropriate for a date. In fact, a lack of manners shows a serious level of disrespect for both yourself and the person you’re dating. Eventually, though, should the relationship continue, they will see that side of you. Then, it will be up to them to decide if your “quality” side is worth your less-than-ideal side.
The benefits of being yourself on a date are certainly vast. For one, you’ll leave the date feeling good about yourself. Even if the date didn’t go well, it’s better than compromising who you are for someone else. Secondly, starting a relationship with honesty is always a good idea. If you begin with false pretenses, the person you’re dating will always wonder what else you’re hiding. This is definitely not the foundation for a long-term connection. Another benefit of being yourself is that you’re more comfortable and confident, showing your true self instead of putting in the effort to be something you’re not. And if you find that you’re incompatible, or your date doesn’t want to see you again, at least you know it was the real you, not a fake version.
Dating is all about trial and error, and with so many people in the world, it’s normal that you won’t connect with everyone, nor will everyone connect with you.
The bottom line is this: When you’re dating, you want someone to get to know the real you. If you’re hiding behind a façade, pretending to be someone you’re not, or trying to impress someone by fitting into their ideals, you’re cheating both yourself and the person sitting across from you. You’re wasting time and energy, and risking your self-esteem in the process. Nervousness is one thing, but pretension is something else entirely. Being yourself on a date isn’t about trying to impress someone; it’s about figuring out whether you could see yourself spending time with this person. It’s also about behaving similarly to a job interview, where you put your best foot forward while maintaining some decorum. You should be able to be yourself on a date and still remain polite, interesting, attractive, and desirable. If you can’t, you might need to spend some time in counseling or etiquette school before continuing to date.
Lastly, when you post your own profile on an online dating site—even if it’s just for fun at first—strive to be as honest as possible. You never know who you’ll meet or where the relationship could lead!
