Most people, at some point, will use the “It’s my parents’ fault” excuse. Even if they don’t outwardly admit it, in their minds, they may be thinking, “I am fat because my parents were,” or “I’m broke because my folks were bad with money.” “I drink because my dad did, and I can’t cook because my mom was a bad cook.” Blaming your parents for your mistakes is an awful and extremely limiting way to live your life, whether you do it consciously or not. The anger that stems from years of blaming others for your problems only becomes a personal trap, keeping you stuck in a rut.
The reality is that we are products of our environments. Just like kids who grow up with smokers in the house are more likely to smoke themselves as adults, our upbringing and parental examples play a role in who we are and who we become. The problem is that, along with our upbringing and socialization, comes the reality that, at some point, we become free-thinking adults who make our own decisions. Instead of following in the muddy footprints of our elders, we also have the choice to learn from their mistakes and make our own lives better.
Owning Your Life Choices
In some cases, parents may indeed be the cause—or at least the generalized root—of some of your problems. This is especially true in cases of neglect or abuse. When this happens, it becomes the responsibility of the individual to seek healing and counseling from professionals. However, the vast majority of people refuse to own up to their own problems, and as a result, they place control of their lives outside of their hands. The only things that each of us can control or change are the things we recognize and take responsibility for.
The first step in improving your life is realizing what you’re not good at. Look at areas in your life that you’d like to improve upon, and think about ways to boost these areas. For instance, if you’re bad with money, take a money management course or an online class. Order a book, or look for free services in your community or at your local bank. If you want to learn how to cook, record several cooking shows, ask a friend, or take a class. If you don’t feel you have enough patience with your children after being raised in a home with little to no control, consider taking parenting classes. You might be surprised by how many resources are available if you take the time to look.
Additionally, take some mental inventory and write down some of the preconceived notions you have about life, which may have resulted from your parents. Perhaps they tried to show you that the world is an unfair, frightening place, or maybe they didn’t make you feel secure. They may have left you with the impression that the world is out to get you, or that people can’t be trusted. This doesn’t mean that, as an adult, you have to buy into these lines of thinking. Remember, you can own your own private thoughts and perceptions about YOUR world.
The other problem with blaming others for your lack of success in life—whether your parents or someone else—is that it fills you with anger and resentment, keeping you from escaping to a new and happier life. You are only a victim if you believe you are. Part of the blame game reduces you to nothing but a victim of circumstance and steals your power.
The reality is that all of us, as parents, make mistakes. You will make mistakes with your own children. There will be things they learn from you that they will regret. Just as you will never be the perfect parent, you can only hope that your children will learn from your mistakes and make their own lives better. The same is true for your own parents. No matter what they did wrong, or what sort of skewed belief system they imposed upon you, once you become an adult, you have the choice to live the life you deem acceptable. If you can see where they went wrong, then you have a useful and extremely powerful tool that you can use for your personal betterment, rather than staying stuck in the blame, shame, and resentment game.
If you really want control of your life, then stop blaming others for YOUR problems. Take control of your life. Own the fact that your future can be anything you dream it to be. Believe in yourself. And realize that while you may have been raised by your parents and under their influence, you don’t have to be a product of their bad decisions or shortcomings.
