Boredom in Marriage – Are There Problems in Your Marriage

As we thought about boredom in marriage, we were reminded of a book written by William Doherty in 2003, Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart. The book addresses the issue of boredom in marriage. On page 23, Doherty writes, “The stakes are high. We must name these forces that undermine marriage, from the small forces such as boredom to the big ones such as the throwaway consumer culture…”

We won’t comment on the throwaway consumer culture, though we all agree that excessive materialism can distract people and erode basic family values. Doherty mentions boredom as one of those “small forces” that can affect a marriage. However, to us, it is NOT a small force.

Boredom in marriage is like a hairline crack on a wall—at first, it’s barely noticeable, but over time and through inaction, it can transform into an irreparable fault. Once the crack becomes too large, both partners are already in too deep, unable to extricate themselves from a helpless situation.

Possible Causes

What causes boredom in marriage? Is it just the lack of exciting sex, or does aging play a role? For some couples, it could indeed be a lack of sex, a common complaint. For others, it may be the lack of intellectual stimulation or what some call intellectual incompatibility. We’ve heard some people say that by the time they reach retirement age, they’ve already shared and lived beautiful moments. It’s up to them to continue those beautiful moments beyond retirement. Easier said than done!

Unfortunately, not all couples can sustain beauty and excitement in their marriage. Upon retirement, many fall into a dull routine—eating, reading the paper, watching television, grocery shopping, visiting the kids and grandchildren every now and then, and repeating this cycle until they begin to question if there’s anything else to life. This routine can become even more tiresome if the couple is financially strapped. Insufficient resources can sometimes contribute to boredom in marriage.

Let’s look at some of the possible causes of boredom in marriage

• Not enough sex (or boring sex)
• Illness and disability
• Inability to age gracefully
• Lack of mutual interests
• Intellectual incompatibility
• Absence of humor
• Social isolation
• No community support
• Dependent adult children
• Insufficient financial resources

When we study these causes, three major categories emerge: (a) financial problems (such as the presence of adult children in the home and insufficient financial resources), (b) personality differences (such as boring sex, aging, lack of mutual interests, incompatibility, absence of humor), (c) external factors (such as illness and disability, social isolation, and lack of community support).

Boredom in Marriage Due to Financial Problems

We used to know colleagues nearing retirement who were unable to plan for it. They explained, “We have to postpone retirement because we’re still helping our middle-aged children financially. They’re always short of cash, and my husband and I have no choice but to help in whatever way we can. Since part of our savings must be shared, we can’t afford to travel and enjoy our lifetime savings. That’s putting a strain on our marriage.”

The era of downsizing and the consequences of easy credit have put many adult children into financial difficulty, forcing them to turn to their parents for assistance. When a retiring couple postpones retirement because of financial concerns, boredom can quickly set in. After slaving away at a job for 40-45 years, one feels entitled to reap the fruits of their labor. But when their children are struggling financially, this self-imposed deprivation can lead to resentment or boredom. How do you add spice to the broth when there’s not enough money to buy the spice?

Instead of traveling or discovering new places, husband and wife have to settle for local trips, and in some cases, even those are unaffordable. Rather than investing in a new sport or hobby, they may have to tighten the purse strings to contribute toward their second grandchild’s dental braces.

This lack of choice and freedom creates boredom. This situation also affects married couples who are still many years away from retirement. Expenses like tuition, camp, babysitters, extracurricular activities, and school trips eat into the family budget, preventing parents from enjoying the finer things in life. If a couple mutually decides to postpone a trip to Europe, it means fewer opportunities to share meaningful experiences.

Due to Personality Differences

It’s common for husbands and wives to complain about the lack of intellectual stimulation. One spouse might say, “We’ve grown apart. He’s into baseball and golf and can’t stop talking about them. I don’t share any of his interests. I think golf is utterly boring.”

Alternatively, a husband might say, “I can’t figure out why my wife won’t experiment with me in bed. I tell her how sex can add that much-needed spark to our marriage, but she refuses to try my suggestions. I’m bored with the same routine, and maybe it’s time for me to find a more willing and open-minded partner.”

Sex is a beautiful thing, and couples must make it a priority to keep sex a dominant part of their married life. It’s healthy and can help husband and wife feel closer to one another. There’s nothing wrong with sharing sexual fantasies if they help reignite the old flame. Why not act out those fantasies? Fantasies are a remedy for boredom, especially when they are shared by two intimate people.

While couples should try to develop mutual interests, they should also give each other the space to pursue their individual interests and hobbies. This way, they avoid “choking” each other with constant togetherness. Couples need time apart to reflect on what makes them happy and how they can preserve marital bliss.

Due to External Factors

The lack of community support and social isolation also contribute to boredom, particularly when a couple doesn’t have a large family or when they relocate to a new city, leaving behind their old community. It takes time to cultivate new friendships, but boredom in marriage can be avoided if couples make an effort to engage in their new community. Many city recreational and leisure departments offer programs for couples, children, and seniors. Reaching out to others helps prevent boredom in marriage.

We remember the good times when our father was still alive. Even though he was a busy executive, he made sure to give back to the community. He helped build a church while our mother played the organ so the choir could perform every Sunday. At the dinner table, our parents would speak fondly of their community and how it flourished because of the support it received from committed couples.