For men and women alike, one of the chief complaints in a marriage with children is boredom in the bedroom. Perhaps, in secret, most married couples not only dread the idea of sex but have also begun to fall into a routine that is definitely not what it used to be. Although it might be fun to point fingers to decide who is to blame, let’s face it—it’s probably (most definitely) the kids! After all, they are the ones who wake up in the middle of the night just when things start to get romantic, or who constantly need every last drop of attention and energy that parents have left after a long day. With all that giving, most couples just want to go to sleep—alone and untouched for once—and energy for sex becomes unimportant and often overrated! While it may be fun to look at it from a humorous point of view, the truth is that boredom in the bedroom, or lack of anything in the bedroom, can certainly take its toll on a couple!
Boredom usually begins to set in a few months after the first child is born. Sometimes this is because pregnancy and birth teach us a real-life lesson about the true meaning of sex, and perhaps the chance of going through it again so quickly scares men and women away from one another. Other times, parents become so involved in the needs of an infant that they forget to take care of each other. The truth is, the infant stage is the best time to partake in sex because the little critters stay put in their beds and sleep virtually all day. However, we usually don’t realize this until they turn two or so, missing a grand opportunity (perhaps our last) to maintain a sex life remotely similar to the way it was before children. With kids in the home, there is less privacy, less time, and less energy. As we try to work, take care of a home, and meet societal expectations, sex drops to the bottom of the list. By the time we realize we haven’t made love to our spouse in a month or longer, we are usually frustrated, irritated, and acutely aware of our lack of intimacy. This is where you can either head for trouble or settle for a quickie.
Children are definitely one of the main reasons that a couple’s normal sex life slows down, but they are not the only reason boredom sets in. Even well-intentioned couples can find themselves falling asleep after one half glass of wine. Other factors that lead to boredom in the bedroom include pent-up frustrations towards one another, inability to communicate, lack of self-confidence (especially for women after having children), inability to “break the ice” with one another, and lack of intimacy in other areas. It is difficult to feel close to someone who barely notices you are in the room or who never reaches out to touch your hand or give you a hug. It is hard to want to make love to someone who, the moment you kiss, makes a wisecrack about your sudden desire for sex or is indiscreetly passive-aggressive. This creates a sense of rejection that diminishes the urge to be intimate with our partners. Additionally, as we become parents, our roles change drastically, and it is often the case that one parent feels they are doing more than the other. All these feelings lead to resentment, which cuts into the time available for having sex. It can be a vicious cycle, but there are effective ways to break out of it.
One Thing That Is Probably Smart Is to Lower Our Expectations of Sex Just a Little
Sure, we were able to fit it in four to five times a week in the past, but as life changes, this can become unreasonable. Another suggestion would be to spice up the sexual relationship between you and your partner on a daily basis. Sending flirty and naughty text messages, pictures, or even playfully talking about sex can not only revive old interests but also make it fun again. Instead of dwelling on the lack of sex, play a cat-and-mouse game of actually trying to fit it in. Keep anger, resentment, or negative feelings completely out of the sexual relationship and enjoy each other’s bodies and the intimacy of sex when the time comes. Often, it can be a great healer for many ailments.
Instead of thinking about a long, romantic afternoon, consider a 30-minute shower while the kids watch TV. By all means, hire a babysitter at least once or twice a month for some alone time. Go to dinner, and when you get home, the stress will be gone, creating the perfect mood for sex. Just because we are married doesn’t mean we should stop dating our spouses or finding them erotically attractive. We can blame the kids for the lack of time and energy, but it is difficult to blame them for the lack of desire. Sex is always as much about the mind as it is about the body, and trying to recreate feelings from long ago can do wonders for spicing things up behind closed doors! Ah, remember when?
Another essential aspect for couples is the realistic ability to laugh and joke about the reality of their sex life. If the dialogue is flowing—even with a comedic touch—chances are both partners will feel heard and have fun together again. When we have fun together and enjoy each other’s company, sex and the desire for it typically follow suit.
Boredom in the bedroom is really not unlike any other boredom in life. As we raise families, we often get caught up in routines and schedules that seem to disallow us from engaging in things we really love. It’s funny how most adults start with schedules out of concern for the children but perpetuate them unknowingly out of self-interest. Breaking the mold occasionally and stepping outside of our “routine” life may be just the ticket to a rendezvous with our spouse. Children are little for only a short time, and we often fret, worry, primp, and schedule things so carefully that we end up sucking the fun out of our lives in the process. Unfortunately, our children begin to see us as serious and stringent, and then we inadvertently take their fun away too. By the time we realize what we are doing, the kids are grown and out of the house, leaving us standing beside a complete stranger. As much fun as it could be to get to know them again, staying in touch all along should really be the goal. Keeping our sex lives alive, having fun together, laughing as much as possible, taking life a little less seriously, and making time for making love will definitely ensure that neither you nor your partner gets bored in the bedroom. Married life is undoubtedly an up-and-down journey, but we have to be willing to take the ride in order to enjoy it.
