For men and women alike one of the chief complaints in a marriage with children is boredom in the bedroom. Perhaps in secret most married couples not only dread the idea of sex but have begun to fall into a routine of making love that is definitely not what it used to be. And although it might be fun to try and point fingers to decide who is to blame, let’s face it- it probably (most definitely) is the kids! After all they are the ones that wake up in the middle of the night just when things start to get romantic, or who are constantly needing every last drop of attention and energy that parents have left after a long day. With all that giving most couples just want to go to sleep, alone and untouched for once and energy for sex becomes unimportant and often over rated! While it may be fun to look at it from a humorous point of view the truth is that boredom in the bedroom or lack of anything in the bedroom, can certainly take it’s toll on a couple!
Boredom usually begins to set in a few months after the first child is born. Sometimes it is because pregnancy and birth have taught us a real life lesson about the true meaning of sex and perhaps the chance of going through it again so quickly scares men and women away from one another. Other times parents become so involved in the needs of an infant that they forget about taking care of each other. Truth is, that the infant stage is the best time to partake in sex because the little critters stay put in their beds and sleep virtually all of the day. As we usually don’t realize this until they turn 2 or so, we miss a grand opportunity (perhaps our last) to maintain a sex life remotely similar to the way it was before children. With children in the home there is less privacy, less time and less energy and as we try to work, take care of a home, ourselves and meet societal expectations- sex moves to last on the list. By time we realize we haven’t made love to our spouse in a month or longer we are usually frustrated, irritated and acutely cognizant of our lack. This is where you can either head for trouble or head for a quickie.
Children are definitely one of the main reasons that the normal natural sex life of a couple slows down. But they are not the only reason boredom in the bedroom sets in. Even well intended couples can find themselves falling asleep after one half glass of wine. Other things that lead to boredom in the bedroom are pent up aggressions towards one another, inability to communicate, lack of self confidence (especially for a woman after having children), inability to ‘break’ the ice with one another, and lack of intimacy in other areas. It is difficult to want to be close to someone who barely notices you are in the room or who never reaches out to touch your hand or give you a hug. It is hard to want to make love to someone who the moment you kiss makes a wise crack about your sudden desire for sex or is indiscreetly passive aggressive. This causes a put off feeling that makes the wanting or urge to have sex with our partners reduced. Additionally as we become parents our roles change drastically and it is often the case that one parent or the other feels they are doing more. All these feelings cause resentment which cuts into even more of the time available for having sex. It can be a vicious cycle but there are succinct ways to come out of it.
One thing that is probably smart is to lower our expectations of sex just a little
Sure, we were able to fit it in 4-5 days a week in the past yet as life changes this can become unreasonable. Another suggestion would be to spice up the sexual relationship between you and your partner on a daily basis. Sending flirty and naughty text messages, pictures or even playfully talking about sex can not only revive old interests but make it fun again. Instead of dwelling on the lack of sex, play a cat and mouse game of actually trying to fit it in. Keep anger, resentment or ill feelings totally out of the sexual relationship and enjoy each other’s bodies and the intimacy of sex when the time comes. Often it can be a great healer of many ailments.
Instead of thinking about a long, romantic afternoon go for a 30 minute shower while the kids watch TV. By all means hire a babysitter at least once or twice a month and have some alone time. Go to dinner and when you get home the stress will be gone and the mood for sex will be perfect. Just because we are married does not mean we should stop dating our spouses or finding them erotically attractive. We can blame the kids for the lack of time and energy but it is difficult to blame them for the lack of desire. Sex is always just as much about the mind as it is the body and trying to recreate feelings from long ago can go miles for spicing up things behind closed doors! Aahhhh, remember when? Another thing that couples need is the realistic ability to laugh and joke about the reality of their sex life. If the dialogue is running, even with the air of comedy, chances are both partners will feel heard and be having fun together again. When we have fun together and enjoy each others company, sex and the desire for it normally follows suit.
Boredom in the Bedroom is really not unlike any other boredom in life. As we raise families we normally get very caught up in routines and schedules that seem to disallow us from engaging in things that we really love. it’s funny that most adults start out with schedules out of the interest for the children but seem to perpetuate them unknowingly out of self interest. Breaking the mold occasionally and stepping outside of our ‘routine’ life may be just the ticket to a rendezvous with our spouse. Children are little once and we often fret, worry, primp and schedule things so carefully that we wind up sucking the fun out of our lives in the process. Unfortunately our children then begin to see us as serious and stringent and then we take their fun away too. By time we realize what we are doing the kids are grown and out of the house and we are left standing beside a complete stranger. As much fun as it could be to get to know them again, it seems that staying in touch all along should really be the goal. Keeping our sex lives alive, having fun together, laughing as much as possible, taking life a little less seriously and making time for making love will definitely ensure that neither you nor your partner gets bored in the bedroom. Married life is undoubtedly an up and down journey; but we have to be wiling to take the ride in order to enjoy it.