From the lyrics of a song ‘breaking up is hard to do.’ The longer that you have been with someone, the harder it is to break the connection and the more resistance you may feel for taking the leap of faith that better things await you. One of the reasons that breaking up with someone is so difficult, whether it be a friend, colleague or romantic love interest, is because it changes the balance of your life and whether or not this is a good or bad thing, it requires some flexibility, adjustment and willingness to accept change in your life.
Long before break-ups actually happen there is usually a haunting feeling inside you that directs you toward what needs to happen. Many times the problems aren’t something obvious or grandiose and they are based rather on a lack of passion. This works only to complicate matters. If that special someone would just cheat, if they would just do something so horrific as to give you an excuse to give them the boot, things would be much easier and you would feel justified in your decision. The problem is that the heart is fickle and when it comes to chemistry and compatibility there are some things that are just unspoken. The longer we are with someone, the more we grow and whether we grow apart or together is a crucial element in whether or not the relationship will last.
Often, breaking up is used as an ultimatum. The ‘I will take me away from you if you do not change’ scenario is a childish way to win in relationships as a whole. It comes with a flagrant air of non-acceptance for another person and requires them to take steps to please you in order to keep you. Rarely does this work. Humans are such innate beings dedicated to their own sense of self and style that changing deeply ingrained attitudes, behaviors, personalities and beliefs is down right impossible. If someone pretends to do so, chances are within the scope of a few months the old self will creep back in and with it comes deep resentment and anger that chokes the relationship. In other words, if someone has to change or if you have to change to keep a relationship, it is best to just move on.
Marriage often makes breaking up even more difficult. Children, finances, in laws, friends and other attachments that root in relationships can make either person feel stuck and paralyzed with a fear of what will happen next. Often in marriage, couples think about breaking up hundreds of times and then find as the storms settle down, the relationship seems to reconnect on an acceptable level. Since no couple knows exactly what they will face in a marriage it is impossible to guess how you may feel or react and with marriage and responsibilities comes the added advantage of not being able to do something based on a rash wave of emotion.
Should you Break Up?
Deciding if breaking up is the way to go is perhaps the most difficult part. If you aren’t happy and realize that this other person in your life is the source of that, chances are breaking up is called for. If you are abused, emotionally or physically breaking up is your only escape and if you find that you are constantly looking or searching for something or someone better and are just waiting to be saved, breaking up is also in order. Even so, it isn’t easy. You have to change your life. If the break up is not your decision it can be even more difficult to cope and you have to find ways to adjust to the changes and embrace them.
Few people in the midst of something negative realize that something positive can come from it. If you choose to look at each phase and stage of your life as a learning experience and try to draw some lessons from it a break up can actually enrich your life as much as the relationship did. If you fail to see your lessons, you will realize with astute disbelief that no matter where you go, there you are. Every relationship will end the same way with the same issues because you have failed to be resilient and responsible for your actions and gave up an opportunity to grow as a person.
Each person that crosses our path has something to teach us and we them. Each person that we love, even for 5 minutes becomes a part of our lives and a part of our future, changing the landscape of our hearts in sometimes prudent ways. Breaking up may be hard to do, but it certainly isn’t the end of the world. It should be looked at as closing a door behind you that opens up another. If you give your self time to grieve the loss of a relationship and strive to reconnect to who you are and what you are worth, you will gain valuable lessons and insight that will begin moving you into a new direction. Change is frightening and breaking up is perhaps the scariest of all fears because it forces you to step out of your comfort zone (even if it is an unhappy place). Your best bet is to take it one step at time and before long you will realize that you are in a better place. You may always miss that special someone and you may always have regrets or feelings that make you feel sentimental, but breaking up can give you back your wings if you decide its time to fly.