It’s okay to ask. We don’t blame you if there are any lingering doubts in your mind. After all, it’s not a question with one correct answer. What you’ll probably get is a response echoing the proverb, “Life is what you make it.”
So, a marriage is what you make of it. Its success depends on several factors. The fact that this question is repeatedly raised should not be a cause for alarm. Instead, it encourages us to think more deeply, much like we did when we analyzed whether x = y back in high school.
Speaking of x = y, there’s another question that should trigger genuine concern. “Can a marriage work these days?” is a mild, harmless query that may at best awaken the philosopher in us. Nothing more. The more dangerous question, however, is Maureen Dowd’s investigation into whether men are necessary. In her book, which shares the same title, she allegedly raised the issue with a few thinkers, including British geneticist Steve Jones.
Dowd writes: “Some guys I know have been fretting for years that they may be rendered obsolete if women gain biological and financial independence, learning how to reproduce and refinance without them. The Y chromosome has been shedding genes willy-nilly for millions of years and is now a fraction of the size of its partner, the X chromosome. Size matters, and experts are suggesting that in the next one hundred thousand to ten million years, men could disappear, taking Maxim magazine, March Madness, and cold pizza in the morning with them.”
(Are Men Necessary? by M. Dowd, 2005)
We digress a bit from the main topic, but we can’t help but think that this new philosophy, reflected in the growing trend of women having children on their own without husbands or fathers, has some relevance to the question: Can a marriage work these days?
Despite the Odds, Yes, Some Marriages Do Work
The odds are those harsh statistics that present a discouraging picture of marriage as an institution. This explains why we’re seeing an increasing number of marriage counselors and therapists who seem to be doing quite well financially. The more people there are on the brink of divorce, the more income they generate.
Well, as long as they’re saving marriages worth saving and keeping two people together, that’s all that matters. They’re doing an important job in damage control, and the money they make is well-earned.
Anyway, let’s take a look at those statistics (courtesy of Divorce Magazine, compiled from the US Census Bureau, National Center for Health Statistics, Americans for Divorce Reform, and other agencies).
1997 Figures (reported in 2002):
- % of the US population that was married: 59% (down from 62% in 1990 and 72% in 1970)
- % of the US population that never married: 24%
- Median age of males at first marriage: 26.9
- Median age of females at first marriage: 25.3
- Median age of males at first divorce: 30.5
- Median age of females at first divorce: 29
- Median age of males at second marriage: 34
- Median age of females at second marriage: 32
- Median age of males at second divorce: 39.3
- Median age of females at second divorce: 37
- Likelihood of new marriages ending in divorce: 43%
- % of first marriages that end in divorce: 50%
- % of remarriages that end in divorce: 60%
- Number of married couples in 2000: 56.4 million
- Number of people who are divorced in 2000: 8.5 million (males), 11.3 million (females)
- Number of people who were separated in 2000: 1.8 million (males), 2.6 million (females)
These statistics are cold and indifferent, painting a grim picture of the ‘state of the union.’ Judging from these numbers alone, it’s easy to view marriage with suspicion. Why risk the loss of freedom when the institution seems to be crumbling? If we rely solely on these figures, the startling revelation is that 50% of first marriages end in divorce. That doesn’t bode well for healthy relationships. Divorce brings with it a baggage of shattered emotions, dashed hopes, and a vicious cycle of anger, bitterness, and despair. And that’s just for the divorcing couple.
And What About the Children?
However, the fact remains that the other 50% of marriages don’t end in divorce. This serves as a valid argument that marriages can work these days. As positive thinkers often remind us, focus on the glass being half full, not half empty.
That’s a tall order, especially for the marriage department. But marriage counselors and therapists—bless them—are often able to salvage a union that was once robust and full of energy.
How to Make a Marriage Work These Days
Psychologists and marriage counselors argue that when a couple is overwhelmed by negative emotions, they can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel as clearly as someone whose vision isn’t clouded by anger and deception.
Couples in therapy, once they’ve calmed down and had time to recover from a grueling round of arguments, are encouraged to develop a vision of the future they want to build together. That’s one.
Second, they’re asked to conduct a self-examination and identify aspects of their personality that may hinder them from reaching their future goals. At the same time, they’re encouraged to describe the kind of person they want to be, so they can take small steps toward self-improvement.
Third, the therapist discusses with each spouse what skills and knowledge are necessary to create a more promising future and become a more cooperative, receptive partner.
Dr. Peter Peterson of The Couples Institute says that making a marriage work is an uphill struggle, characterized by trade-offs and difficult choices. He emphasizes that couples need to pursue their own interests and hobbies in order to reach their full potential. “They were not joined at the hip,” he says. Each partner is a unique individual, and their personality must develop independently to attain its own strengths and abilities. Marriages are meant to be true partnerships—perfectly balanced and harmonized. There will be pitfalls that threaten that balance and harmony, but because it is a true partnership, the sides simply re-adjust and assume a new dynamic. This is how marriages work these days when the partnership has withstood the test of time and couples have learned to handle the trivialities of daily life intelligently.
What Are These Trade-Offs Dr. Peterson Refers To?
The first trade-off is time. Simply put, it’s the quality time couples spend together—time for other family members, time to plan and coordinate family activities, and time to relax. Time in and time out. Time is a huge investment, and as we get busier with our lives, we often become more selfish about our personal time.
But if we want our marriages to work, we’ll need to make time for our significant other and devote some of that precious time to enriching activities outside of work. We often fall into the trap of defining ourselves by our work (“my work is my life”), and while that’s beneficial for the national work ethic, it can harm relationships.
The second trade-off is comfort. This means stepping out of our comfort zone to experiment with new things and try alternative ways of doing things—especially if the happiness of our marriages depends on it. According to Dr. Peterson, clinging to our comfort zone blinds us to new possibilities—a whole new world that may hold the key to making a marriage work. It’s like setting sail without venturing too far, fearing the unknown. By harboring this fear, we deny ourselves the opportunity to discover what lies beyond the horizon.
The third trade-off is energy—truckloads of it. This is perhaps the hardest trade-off for most married couples. It takes energy to achieve even the most difficult goals. But true effort means listening more instead of interrupting when our partner speaks, offering constructive criticism, and controlling negative reactions. It’s incredible how a “can-do” attitude can save a marriage from falling apart.
Just as our superiors at work commend us when we take on responsibilities and say, “We can do that,” our spouse will appreciate us more if we show a willingness to listen, instead of remaining distant or hesitant.
Can a Marriage Work These Days? Here’s One Last Thought
We had hundreds of marriage quotes to choose from, but these two stood out. From Paul Tillich: “The first duty of love is to listen.” And from an unknown author: “The goal is to have a conversation in a way so that you can have another conversation tomorrow.”
Sure, marriages can work. It’s a matter of using both ears, not just one!
