Elise was at the restaurant, eagerly anticipating an intimate evening with Jeff after dinner. But when Jeff arrived, he seemed distracted and ill at ease. Then, without warning, he said, “I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been thinking a lot about my marriage, and I realize I still love Sandra. I’m going to try to fix our broken marriage.”
“But you said…” Elise’s voice cracked.
“I know what I said, Elise,” Jeff interrupted. “That was back then. Now my conscience is telling me that our affair has to end. My marriage needs fixing, and my relationship with you is not helping.” He looked at her directly. “I was lost, desperate for love and attention, and you happened to be there. But continuing our affair is not going to make me happy. For me, winning Sandra back is what will make me happy. I’m sorry.”
Jeff left $150.00 on the table to pay for dinner and put on his coat. He took both her hands and kissed her on the forehead. “You deserve someone who can be emotionally available for you, Elise. Please forget me and move on while I try to salvage what’s left of my marriage.”
Elise watched him hurry out of the restaurant. She had dreamed that she and Jeff would build a future together. He had told her when they started dating that he and his wife were leading separate lives, that the love was gone, and that there was no longer a connection. What made Jeff change his mind?
Elise was sure that Jeff’s marriage was on the rocks. She never once considered that a broken marriage could be fixed.
Or could it?
Are both spouses willing to fix their broken marriage?
There’s a much better chance if both spouses agree that the marriage needs mending. It takes two to tango, as the saying goes, so combining their mental and physical resources to save their union would make the process more manageable. If both husband and wife mutually want to fix what’s broken, that’s a good starting point.
But what if only one spouse wants to fix the marriage? What are the chances of putting the pieces back together?
The chances are slimmer.
A marriage counseling site in Toronto notes that after over 20 years of talking to couples, they’ve found that even if only one spouse is committed to fixing the marriage, it’s still possible to save the relationship. The spouse who seeks counseling learns to see themselves in a different light. Marriage counselors ask questions about the relationship that people may never have considered, helping them “see the light.”
Counselors say that when one spouse changes their thinking and behavior and is sincere in wanting to reconnect, the other spouse often reacts positively and gradually learns to appreciate the other’s efforts. The unwilling spouse may later consider attending couples counseling. Significant behavioral changes in one partner can prompt the other to take notice, paving the way for reconciliation.
For example, a wife wishes her husband would talk more after he comes home from work. She likes to discuss her day and the stress of dealing with a colleague. However, the husband seems disinterested, mumbling, “My day was okay, I guess, the usual,” before turning on the TV, effectively killing the conversation.
Over time, this lack of exchange can provoke feelings of uncertainty and suspicion that the marriage is doomed.
Now, let’s assume that only one spouse is willing to fix a broken marriage. Here are four questions that may help trigger memories of past behaviors—behaviors that led spouses to distance themselves from each other.
Is your marriage broken because of constant arguments over money?
You’ve heard comments like, “My wife (or husband) is a big spender.” Many men and women are appalled by undisciplined spending. One woman mentioned that her husband liked to go bar-hopping with friends, buying rounds for everyone. With a mortgage, children’s braces, summer camps, medical expenses for aging parents, and credit card payments, frivolous spending can seriously harm a marriage.
Suggestion: Meet with a financial planner for budgeting tips. Even in your 30s, you might want to discuss retirement and the pre-retirement income needed to maintain your lifestyle. Couples often rethink their spending when retirement planning is on the agenda; the financial figures can be eye-opening. Eliminating money conflicts can help fix a broken marriage.
Are harmless flirtations becoming a fly in the ointment?
Watching your spouse flirt with others can be irritating—no, it is irritating. No flirtation is truly harmless when it becomes habitual. Who wants to feel sidelined while the other enjoys an ego boost?
Suggestion: Speak up. Have an honest conversation about why the flirting makes you unhappy. Don’t accuse your spouse of infidelity without proof. Remember, what might begin as harmless flirting can escalate into something more serious.
Are the children or in-laws encroaching on your time for intimacy?
Let’s face it: children are adorable, and in-laws can be a big help. However, you shouldn’t let them rain on your parade. Your marriage needs quality time and care.
Suggestion: Set aside a date once a month or every two weeks for a “just us” evening. Rekindle the romance. Laugh, enjoy each other’s company, and make your spouse feel like they are your priority for that evening.
Have you neglected your fitness and health?
You might argue that physical appearance isn’t important—after all, looks are superficial, right? But wasn’t physical attraction what drew you to your spouse in the first place? It was the initial spark that led to your first approach: “I’d like to get to know you better; how about dinner sometime?”
Regular dates helped you discover your spouse’s other admirable qualities, convincing you that marriage was the next logical step. Think back to when you first met. There was a pull of physical attraction.
What happened to the fit, healthy, and well-groomed person you fell in love with?
Danielle Anne says about physical attraction: “It should not be your biggest concern when it comes to relationships, but it does serve as an initial basis for whether a person will end up liking you or not.” We’ll add: “…and it will always be scrutinized by your spouse.”
Suggestion: Take care of yourself. Look after your diet, exercise, and overall appearance. Unless you’re going for a jog, avoid wearing oversized and tired-looking sweatpants too often.
There are many reasons why a marriage can break down, but the four discussed above are among the most common reasons spouses gradually lose interest in the relationship.
One spouse trying to fix a broken marriage is a worthwhile endeavor. It shows commitment and love for your partner. It demonstrates that you’re not ready to throw away what you’ve built together.
You’ve both come this far, and your investment in each other has paid off.
Why give it up now?
