Anything is possible, optimists say, but whether trust can be rebuilt after an affair is a thorny question. The hurt feelings that arise from infidelity linger for a long time, and the initial reactions of resentment, disgust, and bitterness are often accompanied by a profound loss of trust.
It doesn’t matter if the extra-marital affair was just a fling; what the betrayed spouse sees is the act of unfaithfulness itself. The marriage may already be rocky, and an illicit affair only reinforces the instability of the union, potentially leading to a permanent rupture.
When one spouse carries on an affair and the other discovers it, various thoughts and feelings come to the forefront:
- Why couldn’t he/she have told me that there was something wrong with our marriage?
- Doesn’t he/she realize that this infidelity could wreck our marriage?
- I’ve been betrayed. You expect me to forgive and forget that easily?
- How do I know this will be the first and last act of infidelity?
- Does he/she not love me anymore? Did he/she ever love me?
- What have I done to drive him/her to the arms of another?
- Am I that bad in bed?
- How could I have been so blind, so stupid, not to notice anything?
- This marriage is just about over. If we stay together, it will only be for the sake of the kids.
- Will I catch a disease? Who else has he/she been sleeping with?
- He/she has turned me into a cynical person. From now on, I’m not going to believe anything he/she tells me.
- I think my self-confidence is just about zilch right now.
Why an Extra-Marital Affair?
Before we tackle the issue of rebuilding trust after an affair, it’s important to explore some reasons why spouses stray. Understanding these reasons can provide insight into the possibility of reconciliation and repairing broken trust.
Youth
Traditionally, men have been the ones to stray, often seeking out a “sweet, young thing.” However, women can play the same game, flirting with younger men and even considering affairs.
Boredom in Marriage
Boredom is a dangerous thing. You know the saying: “An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.” Couples often become too engrossed in their daily routines, neglecting the health of their marriage. While they may fix the garage door, they forget to ask, “Is our marriage in need of repair?”
Irreconcilable Differences
When couples fail to see eye to eye on certain issues, conflicts can arise. Frequent arguments lead to emotional alienation, causing partners to drift apart.
Not Enough Sex
The lack of sex in a marriage can trigger self-doubt and discontent in the rejected spouse. When biological needs go unmet, seeking satisfaction outside the marriage becomes a temptation.
Handling the Infidelity Positively
Discovering your spouse’s infidelity entitles you to express anger. It is natural to react emotionally, perhaps even wanting to leave the house temporarily.
Keep in mind that infidelity may not solely reflect the character of the offending spouse or the “other” person. It can also provoke feelings of doubt and inadequacy in the offended spouse, prompting them to reassess the marriage and their own role within it.
If you need to leave the house to gather your thoughts and emotionally recover from the shock, do so. Once you’ve calmed down, one of you will need to initiate a dialogue. The desire to talk without anger or insults is the first positive step toward addressing the infidelity with a positive and open mind.
What can you do? Here are a few suggestions:
- If both agree to discuss not only the infidelity but also other aspects of the marriage, resolve to avoid negativity and rehashing old arguments. Focus on the present.
- If you’re the offending spouse, admit your infidelity without justifying or defending your actions.
- If you’re the offended spouse, ask your partner why they strayed, and be sure to listen without interrupting.
- Continue the dialogue when possible. Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Each conversation should leave both partners feeling comfortable and receptive, without any lingering resentment.
- Avoid accusations. You can discuss what’s wrong in the marriage, but do so diplomatically and maintain a calm demeanor.
- There will come a time in these discussions when both of you will need to decide whether to start over or if the situation is hopeless.
If you both agree that the situation feels hopeless, don’t despair. Consider whether a therapist or counselor might help salvage your relationship.
If children are involved, making an extra effort to save the marriage can be beneficial. It shows you’re thinking of others who could be hurt by a divorce or separation.
If you mutually decide to see a therapist, congratulations! This means you’re willing to go the extra mile to save your marriage. After five years or more of marriage, that’s a lot of time invested. Why throw away that investment?
Believe it or not, sometimes it takes an act of infidelity to transform the marriage into a more loving and nurturing relationship. It is during the storms of life that people showcase their best survival skills. Once the storm clears, you may begin to see your spouse in a new light and discover traits you never knew they had.
Treat infidelity as a catalyst for growth. Trust will take time to rebuild, but remain an optimist at heart and believe in miracles.
And if you’re young at heart, you might find yourself falling in love with your spouse all over again!
