Breaking Up is Hard to Do – And So Is Moving On!
Breaking up is hard to do! And according to the internet, it’s also big business. A simple search online for “how to get your spouse back” will present thousands of tutorials, newsletters, E-books, and advice on how to make that special someone fall back in love with you. While much of this advice is designed to prey on brokenhearted souls, one piece of advice is consistent across the board: stalking and continuously bothering an ex is a big no-no.
Yet so many people find that after a breakup, their exes just can’t seem to let go. When an ex won’t leave you alone, it can be incredibly difficult to move forward—especially if the two of you broke up on “good terms” and vowed to stay friends. Still, the midnight drunk dials, constant calls or texts, emails, and other forms of communication, as well as constant visits, can make recovery for both parties almost impossible. So, what is a girl or boy to do if they find that everywhere they turn, they’re bumping into or talking to their ex?
How to Set Boundaries and Move Forward
First things first! If your ex doesn’t seem able to let go and is constantly trying to set up social engagements or still feels the need to call you daily, you need to take a long, hard look at what you might be doing to encourage this behavior. In truth, having an ex chase you around or hang in the wings can provide you with a safety net of comfort. By keeping an ex “hanging around”—either by being unclear about the space you need or by holding them at arm’s length—you are encouraging the behavior. Likely, there’s something inside of you that isn’t willing to let go of the relationship either. This insecurity not only hurts you but also hurts your ex. If you are sure the relationship is over, you need to commit to a no-contact policy for at least a few months. This way, you cannot be accused of leading someone on, and your ex will be able to process the breakup more easily.
Secondly, if the calls and constant contact are bothering you immensely, and you’ve been clear with your ex that you don’t want to hear from them, you need to take matters into your own hands. One simple solution is not answering your phone. Block your ex’s number, don’t open their emails, and refuse to take their calls. While no one wants to appear cold-hearted or downright mean, the truth is, you’ll be protecting yourself and helping your ex deal with separation anxiety. Eventually, they will get the message. And if you do answer the phone—even if it’s just to reiterate that you don’t want to talk—don’t get sucked into an argument. Why? Because your ex may feel that arguing with you and making your life miserable is at least better than not talking to you at all.
You also need to remove yourself from the circle of friends you shared. This doesn’t mean you have to ditch them completely, but taking a break from typical activities and ensuring you don’t get caught up in any “he said, she said” will help your ex let go of the relationship. Plus, chances are, for your mutual friends, having you two together as a couple is easier for them. They might resist the idea of helping you both move on and could try to pull some strings to get you back together.
Another major rule for putting distance between you and your ex is to never, NEVER engage in a friends with benefits type of sexual relationship. It won’t work. There’s too much history between the two of you, and it will only cause your ex to cling more tightly to the relationship.
If, despite your best efforts to be clear and assertive about the fact that the relationship is over, you’re still getting nowhere or your ex seems more desperate to contact you, it may be time to seek outside help. Talking to local law enforcement and obtaining a temporary restraining or protective order can be a serious yet productive way to ensure they leave you alone. Of course, you don’t want things to escalate to that point, but for many ex-couples, it often does. You need to make sure you’re safe, and listen to your instincts if they tell you your ex is compromising your safety—especially if your ex has any addiction problems.
The truth is, both of you need to separate for a while, even if you want to remain friends eventually. If you stay in too much contact, neither of you will be able to move forward or heal (or learn from) the broken relationship. It’s also important to realize how your life will change once the relationship is over. Though it may feel uncomfortable at first, this separation is necessary for personal growth and moving on.
Whether or not the future holds a friendship for the two of you is anyone’s guess. But for now, remain separated and allow both of you to experience growth and genuinely deal with the break-up before trying to form any sort of new relationship.
